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09th Apr 2018

The return of Jersey Shore proves that every day we stray further from God’s light

Vinny wears a Fitbit now ffs

Ciara Knight

Fun Fact: The Japanese version of Jersey Shore is called Macaroni Rascals.

Remember Jersey Shore? The cultural milestone that spawned an influx of such classic shows as The Valleys, Geordie Shore and literally any other series that’s based around the antics of a household featuring a ‘shag pad’.

Jersey Shore ran from 2009-2012 and made celebrities out of utter lunatics. Nobody ever intentionally sat down to watch Jersey Shore. It’s not appointment television. Watching Jersey Shore just happens. You blink and suddenly find yourself three episodes deep on a Sunday afternoon nursing a hangover that scientists in later years will describe as ‘Wow, that was a bad one for sure’.

Anyway, Jersey Shore is back, which proves that every damn day we’re straying further from God’s light.

I watched the first episode of the reboot to demonstrate this hypothesis.

Ronnie did a pregnancy shoot with his new girlfriend and this was one of the final images that they paid real money for

At the top of the inaugural Jersey Shore – Family Vacation episode that I willingly decided to put myself through, there was a zippy montage of what life has been like for the cast since the show finished in 2012. Snooki and JWoww got married and had kids (not with each other, sadly), Pauly D somehow became a DJ in Vegas and appears to be filthy stinking rich now, The Situation got woke, but the most important update was that Ronnie has knocked up a lady that ISN’T Sammi. Once that initial shock seeps in, you’re now faced with the news that Ronnie and his new girl have done a maternity shoot together. God bless the Jersey Shore producers for including some of the final images, as we got to see the one pictured above. It appears that the photographer was a 17-year-old meme fanatic who has never used a camera before.


Vinny wears a Fitbit now!!!!!

Vinny Guadagnino, a man that once upon learning that the girl he was hitting on was a lesbian, confidently declared “That’s a challenge to me, I think I’m a good transition for a lesbian girl”. He then tried hitting on her again by saying “I’m feminine. I have soft features”. That’s the Vinny we got to know on the original Jersey Shore. That’s the Vinny we now know and begrudgingly love. But in 2018, he’s drinking red wine with his family and wearing a Fitbit. 2018 Vinny is worried about his heart rate, ability to burn sufficient calories and reaching the recommended average of 10,000 steps each day. He’s got a girlfriend and his mother still cuts up the food on his plate for ease of consumption. Vinny Guadagnino is living proof that you can both leave the Jersey Shore and the Jersey Shore can fully leave you.



On their way to Miami, the gals (Snooki, JWoww and some girl name Deena who I have never seen before in my life) stopped by the old t-shirt shop they used to work in at the Jersey Shore. Snooki then peeled away for a second under the guise of “taking a shit”, but actually headed back to their old house, which still looks exactly like a television set. After introducing the duck lips to her own, Snooki then pocketed the avian telecommunication device to bring it to Miami. What are the chances of that being the exact same phone six years after filming wrapped up? Precisely zero. These people are morons and fully believe that we are too.


The Situation was in court because he got himself into a tax evasion situation, lol

Statistically, at least one of the Jersey Shore original cast members was always going to end up in jail. My money was on The Situation, so seeing him suited up for his big court date was bittersweet for me. He was involved in some kind of tax evasion situation, and genuinely appeared to be shook up about it all. He ended up pleading guilty, but the judge allowed him to visit the Jersey Shore squad because he/she is obviously a huge fan of the show. This begs the question: Are celebrities above the law? The answer is yes, particularly in the case of Judge Judy.


The girls still go HAM for a pickle

Almost as if it had been heavily scripted in a production meeting, the girls gathered around a large jar of pickles almost immediately upon arriving at the house. JWoww was halfway through a pickle (or gherkin, if you’re not a Yank), when Snooki seductively extracted one from the jar, then literally deep throated the sucker. Unfortunately, when the average person thinks of Jersey Shore, a few quotes come to mind:

  • Cabs are here
  • It’s t-shirt time
  • Yeah buddy
  • GTL
  • Snooki wana smush
  • Snooki wana pickle

Such heightened knowledge a cool six years after the show’s production finished is troubling. The amount of useless information we retain is staggering. What kind of storage space is that taking up? I can’t remember a thing about the Pythagorean Theorem, but I’ll pop out six quotes from a show that I never intentionally watched like it’s nobody’s business. Fuck.


Snooki still comes very close to death on a night out

Of the few Jersey Shore episodes that I’ve seen throughout the course of my lifetime, I remember two things: A gentleman called Pauly D uses precisely 1 (one) entire container of gel on his hair each day and a young lady called Snooki is the very definition of ‘a drunk bitch’ on nights out. I’ve been that drunk bitch before, we all have, but it appears to be Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi’s trademark move. Visions of her soulless eyes trying to communicate with her designated minder on a night out as she stumbles onto the floor of the Jersey Shore house have never left me. In a way, it’s quite comforting to see that six years later, she still absolutely goes for it on a night out. Responsibility will never get in between Snooki and a good time. That’s inspiring, on some level.



As a society, we need to acknowledge that we have strayed irreversibly far away from God’s light. Many of us forget what God’s light actually values, possibly something to do with courage, chivalry, and determination, right? Wrong. Those are the character traits of a Gryffindor. See, nobody knows what God wants. Shows like Jersey Shore aren’t making the world any better, but they’re also not making it any worse. They’re just there, chipping away at it like the rest of us. Watch Jersey Shore if you want. Watch Paw Patrol. Nobody cares. God’s got other stuff going on, probably.



All images via MTV


Jersey Shore,mtv