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26th Jul 2018

Ten football-based one-liners Bautista needs to say in Final Score after he kills a bad guy

Wil Jones

“The transfer window is now open”

So there’s this film coming out called Final Score. It is basically Die Hard at a football match, and it was filmed at West Ham’s Upton Park before they demolished. It stars former WWE champion Dave Bautista, and Pierce Brosnan is also in it. Seriously, just watch the trailer, it looks AMAZING.

Yeah, it’s the first-ever football-based action movie. Just think of the possibilities. Hopefully there will be a scene where the bad guys burst into the commentary studio and take Gary Neville and Steven Gerrard hostage. There will definitely be a bit where some snooty prawn sandwich fans in the directors’ box tries to sell out to the bad guys, and gets killed for his troubles. Maybe Mark Noble will team up with Dave Bautista.

What I’m most excited about though are the potential one-liners. Any good action hero knows they have to say some cool quip after they kill a bad guy. But here, they might get to be football-themed. Like, if Bautista doesn’t say “Red card!” or “Offside!” after he offs some dude, I’m gonna demand my money back.

But hat’s the least they could do. Here are ten football-based one-liners that need to be used in Final Score.

(If the producers are reading this, feel free to go back and do reshoots to add them in.)

Bautista throws a bad guy throw a window, then turns to camera and says “The transfer window is now open”.

There’s a car chase, and just when it looks like the bad guy is about to get away, Bautista’s side kick (Pierce Brosnan) drives the West Ham team bus up and blocks the exit. The bad guy crashes into and the bus explodes, as Bronsnan dives away in slow mo. As he gets up and dusts himself off, Bautista turns to camera and says “Sometimes, you’ve just gotta park the bus”.

A bad guy will slip off the stadium roof chasing Bautista and fall to his death, and then Bautista turns to the camera and says “There’s no such thing as safe standing in modern football!”.

A small child is a hostage of the bad guys, but he has a water pistol that he’s playing with. He points it at one of the bad guys. The bad guy laughs, then shows him that he’s got a real gun, a 9mm pistol. Then Bautista bursts in, a fight ensues. The bad guy gets the upper hand, and reaches for his gun, but instead grabs the water pistol. Baustista laughs, then before he kills him, he turns to the camera and says “Thats what I call a false nine”.

The bad guy fires a heat seeking rocket launcher at Bautista, but he dives out of the way. It turns around and hits the back guy instead. Just as it turns around, Bautista turns to the camera and says “It’s coming home”.

There is a fight in the Upton Park trophy room, which ends with a bad guy crashing through the trophy case, and knocking over the 1980 FA Cup. The bad guy the looks in the trophy, to find Bautista has put a grenade in it, which blows him up. Bautista then turns to the camera and says “That’s the magic of the FA Cup” .

Bautista will shoot a bazooka at a bad guy who standing by the goal on the pitch, unawares. The shocked bad guy will put his hand out, as if to stop the rocket, but of course it hits hit and explodes. Bautista turns to the camera and says “You just don’t save those”.

The bad guys have got a load of attack dogs that they are threatening Bautista with, but after a fight they end up tumbling over the concessions stand. A bad guy ends up getting covered in a load of meat pies, and the dogs smell them and attack them. Bautista turns to the camera and says “That’s what I call a relegation dogfight”.

Bautista kicks a bad guy in the face with his left foot. He then turns to camera and says “They always said I had a cultured left foot”.

Bautista and some henchman are fighting. They are in the boiler room or something, and there is a naked flame. The bad guy is about to kill Bautista, when he reaches over and opens some oil pipe or something flammable. A big bubble of flammable oil comes out, then explodes, incinerating the bad dude. But just before that happens, Bautista turns to the camera and says “I’m forever blowing bubbles”.

Final Score is released on September 7th, and will be available on Sky Cinema from the same day.