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10th October 2017
03:53pm BST
Let's call a spade a spade here, nobody is going to be passing their driving test on this show. The celebrities have been given a week of driving lessons and are then expected to pass the test. It's impossible to pass anything with a week of preparation, apart from STI tests if you're a massive fridget. The show is purely in existence for comedic value and it's a shame that any of the contestants agreed to take part. It's the most 2017 display of 'dance monkey, dance' that we're likely to see and I'd boycott it if I hadn't already begun writing this godforsaken piece.
Two out of three participants had never driven a car before, so the odds were extremely against them already. One girl, Paisley from Tattoo Fixers, had taken and failed the driving test previously, so she's got the most viable shot of passing, but the other two (Connor from The Vamps and CiCi off First Dates) can jog on. They're here to provide some stellar GoPro footage and get a participants' cheque, then go home and return to normality. They've been played for fools, yet I will proceed with consuming this heartless piece of television.
One of the instructors was playing with a fidget spinner and should, therefore, be removed from society at once
In an endearing display of colleagueship, the three driving instructors were gathered in a small office discussing the ins and outs of their career choices. Turbo lad Pells was tucking into the complimentary bowl of jelly beans, while Ricky was playing with a fidget spinner. I realise that television production is a long and arduous process, so this may well have been recorded during a time when this kind of behaviour was acceptable for children, but at no point has it ever been fine for a grown man to be entertaining himself with a fidget spinner.
We, as a society, should always be looking to better ourselves as a whole. If that means removing certain people who refuse to conform, then so be it. This man whose name I can't remember is a stain on humanity. He is enthusiastically playing with a fidget spinner and his colleagues are carrying on their conversation as if that is a perfectly normal thing to happen. He is scum. We must track him down and remove him from the media. In the comfort of his own home, he may do as he pleases, regardless of how disturbing it may be, but I won't have it flaunted on our television screens. Not in this lifetime.
Pells proved that not only can lads drive, they can also instruct
This man is called Pells because of course he is. He's one of the three instructors that teach these hopeless celebrities how to drive. Pells, I'm assuming is his birth name. Otherwise, can we ever truly believe anything on the telly ever again? Either way, Pells is the biggest lad I've seen in a long time. He's tasked with showing a member of The Vamps how to drive, but it's likely that they'll end the lessons prematurely so that they can talk about hair products, Harry Styles and how good the last Fast and the Furious movie was despite the critics' poor reception of it.
Pells' teaching style is very much as you'd expect. He refers to his trainee as 'mate' more often than is comfortable, he checks his hair in the rearview mirror in a jokey way but also in a very earnest way to ensure that his quiff is playing ball. He's not here to be your Dad, he's here to be your pal. Pells won't be annoyed if you fail your driving test after a week of lessons, he'll just go down the pub with the lads and mock your weak grasp of the intricacies of the clutch, then shag your Mum and tell you about it right before you sit your retest.
Halfway through their first lesson, they all stopped off to do some trapeze
In retrospect, my driving lessons were complete garbage because we didn't even stop for coffee. This show is ludicrous. These celebrities have four days to prepare for their driving tests, two of whom have never driven before this week. I hate to be Reverend Buzz Killington, but their time would surely be better spent learning the rules of the road, practising hill starts and nailing three-point turns rather than auditioning for the next series of Celebrity Circus or whatever is likely coming down the line.
Connor trapezed very well, while CiCi and Paisley didn't reach the target. Naturally, this speaks volumes about their driving ability in the sense that it absolutely doesn't because you couldn't possibly pick two more unrelated things than trapeze and driving, so congratulations to the producers on that one. Again, it provided the viewers with a bit of a laugh, but then anxiety gets in the way as you stress about their upcoming driving tests which are approaching quicker than the Celebrity Circus pitch I've just inspired in some production company.
Pells told Connor to 'get a bit of flanter going' if he has a female examiner
*touches nose bridge* Pells, mate, you're on telly. As evidenced above, Pells proved himself to be a massive lad. Well, I'm distressed to report that you can take the car out of the lad, but you can't take the lad out of the car. Pells and Connor were having a quick bit of banter before he went for his test but simply couldn't shake their insatiable thirst for being massive lads. Pells told Connor that he should engage in a spot of 'flanter' if his examiner ends up being a woman.
Connor laughed it off, but his eyes told a different story. Connor is in The Vamps, if his instructor is a woman, he's going to hook her up with a signed CD, tickets to a gig and maybe even a promotional lanyard if it means he can get a pass. Pells, who had a camera relatively close to his face at the time, smirked and proved that there wasn't a trace of regret in his statement. Flanter makes the world go round. If there was more flanter, perhaps there'd be less violence and more newly qualified drivers. Pells for Prime Minister. Flanter for MP.
There's no footage of the actual test so you just have to take their word for it that they've passed
I was, against my expectations, enjoying the show until we got to the stage where the celebrities were taking their driving tests. The instructors along with family and friends waved them off, at which point they made insufferable small talk which we had to listen to. There was no footage, hidden camera or audio from the test itself. I understand that it's probably a legal thing, but I felt cheated. They cheated me and all the other 12 viewers of this show. We never got to see what transpired.
Instead, the celebrity appears with a sheet of paper an hour later to signify whether they've passed or not. It could be a fake! They could've photocopied someone else's test sheet in the ultimate act of flanter. I want to see the actual test, hear the examiner's groans and see literal beads of sweat dripping from the celebrity's temple. I didn't come this far to then be given a quick recollection of what transpired during the most pivotal moment of the show. It is a farce. I'm angry. I'm pleased for those that have passed, but also slightly dubious of their results. Maybe they lied. We will never know.
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