Day 9
“Love Island is for idiots” – a very cool legend who is better than all of us.
Last night’s Love Island was really boring for the first three quarters of the show, then chaos entered the villa in the form of Elma and Maura, two girls who according to Molly-Mae, shouldn’t be hot because she’s never met anyone with those names who was hot.
Teaming comedy with desperation, the hysterical Love Island tradition of getting men to cook (lol) hit harder than usual thanks to the addition of Tommy ‘Can’t make peppermint tea’ Fury.
Everyone was horny, the girls were mad, Anton was aggressively Scottish.
Here’s six things you might have missed during last night’s Love Island.
1. Michael very subtly hit the woah and sadly it went unnoticed
If the above sentence made no sense to you, not to worry, simply pop off to bed at 7pm with a room temperature cup of Bovril and settle into a borderline comatose state until you rise at 6am to sit around all day doing crosswords, sighing and waiting for the sweet release of your impending mortality to catch up with you because you are 97 years old. Everyone else, Michael is henceforth very cool because he hit the woah during last night’s show and appeared to be schooling Amber on how to do it as well. He is the chillest dude in that entire villa and unfortunately our hands are tied on this one and we have no choice but to stan this incredibly special boy.
2. The villa’s treat selection was very mildly upgraded
If you cast your mind all the way back to Tuesday’s roundup, you’ll remember that the villa’s very poor quality of treats was exposed, with Mister Choc’s Peanut & Choco delights being exposed and effectively put on blast to the entire nation. Well, it appears that those complaints haven’t fallen on deaf ears as last night we saw the gang tucking into Mister Choco’s Party Selection pack, which has an overwhelming SEVEN different varieties of chocolate bars to choose from. This means that the islanders can indulge in a vibrant choice of treats to get them through the day, avoiding hunger and the even more dangerous state, hanger. Congratulations to all involved, this very slight upgrade is a step in the right direction. Perhaps next week they will get to have Mors Bors or Cronchies.
3. Anna conveniently wore a green screen dress the day after Sherif was booted out of the villa
It simply can’t be a coincidence that Anna wore a green screen dress the day after Sherif was given his marching orders. The girl has been around long enough to know what it takes to get a viral meme going and all credit to her, she’s made my job an absolute dream today as a result. Anna knew that the public would still be hungry for answers, but the closest thing to sating our appetite is through humour to take at least some of the pain away. While internally we crumble, on the outside we must plough on, trudging through daily life as if we can cope, until eventually our positive thinking overrides our true intent. We may never find out what happened to Sherif Lanre, but at least we have the memes to get us through.
4. Amber greeted the girls into the villa with a heartfelt two-finger salute
Although many of the girls would’ve been tempted to make their feelings about the villa’s new arrivals as clear as Amber did, they all restrained themselves because they remembered that they’re on telly, meaning their family, friends and future employers are all watching. But Amber threw caution to the wind, as well as her two fingers, as she let out a sarcastic “Hi girls” to welcome Maura and Elma into the villa. That’s a level of petty that all of us should aspire to achieve. Have you ever, in all of your life, allowed your true feelings towards complete strangers show in such a blatant manner? Unlikely. Amber is a rogue vagabond who cannot be tamed. She probably openly tells chuggers to fuck off.
5. Tommy once again proved that if you’re good looking, literally nothing else matters in life
Maura didn’t eat a single bite of Tommy’s cheese, bread, ketchup and mayonnaise concoction presumably because she didn’t fancy puking the entire contents of her guts up at the time. But it didn’t matter, she still fancied Tommy because he is a good looking guy. He can’t cook, he can’t make a cup of tea, he can’t break an egg properly, but it’s all fine because Tommy Fury’s eyes look like a beautiful summer’s day spent gazing at the sky with a pair of UV-protected sunglasses. He’s not even particularly good at talking to girls but Maura already made her mind up that she would “hop on that” before she had even entered the villa. What can we learn from this? Very little, but that life is probably a lot easier when you’re hot.
6. The boys proved how comically unsubtle they all are when it comes to eyeing up girls
After Tommy and Danny successfully completed their first course with Maura and Elma, the boys and girls regrouped to discuss the events that had just unfolded. Surprisingly, the unholy state of the food was far from their list of discussion topics, instead choosing to focus on their connections with the opposite sex. Maura made some suggestive comments that I cannot repeat here for religious reasons, while the boys blurted out words like “fire” and “fit” as they stared intensely into the girls’ eyes from afar. At least Elma and Maura tried to conceal their interest, but Tommy, Danny and Michael stood bolt upright gazing over at the girls, almost in an aggressive way, like a wild animal sizing up its next intended mate. Whatever their logic, it has now become abundantly clear that you can never say to any of these guys “Don’t make it obvious, but I think Keith Chegwin’s ghost just walked in”, because they will turn around and loudly clarify “Who? Keith Chegwin’s ghost?” and draw attention to your otherwise civilised self. Shame.
Images via ITV
