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25th Jul 2019

Six things you might have missed during last night’s Love Island

Ciara Knight

Day 45

Love Island? More like BETRAYAL ISLAND, am I right?

Folks it kicked off last night, following on from the night before where it did indeed kick off as well.

The previous night’s drama continued as it so often does, with the islanders having the benefit of a good’s night sleep fuelling their further descent into lunacy.

We’re at a crossroads now. Only the top tier contestants may proceed. The dead weight is being trimmed, albeit at a very slow pace.

The end is near.

Here’s six things you might have missed during last night’s Love Island.

1. Tommy referred to India as “some strange woman”, despite knowing her for 9 days

On the previous episode, we saw Tommy referring to Harley as ‘Hayley’ and now his verbal assault against the names of his newest housemates continues. While trying to comfort Jordan but also remaining loyal to his girlfriend’s best mate, Tommy very gently tried to guide Jordan into a clearer frame of mind, one that would ideally see him realise that he’s been a gigantic pig to his girlfriend. “Some strange woman” was how Tommy identified India, a girl who has been living in the same house as him for over a week. They’ve shared meals together, broken bread and consumed precisely one alcoholic beverage each night in each others’ company. They use the same toilet. They are friends. Tommy, learn peoples’ names, please. It’s almost over.

2. Jordan preempted being sent home the next day, so booked himself priority boarding for the flight home

I mean, we don’t know for sure that he wasn’t actually doing that? It would be just as hard to prove than disprove this hypothesis, so let’s roll with it. Jordan would’ve worked out that his popularity tanked based on him and Anna being in the bottom three couples more often than not, as well as his blatant intent to cheat with a very disinterested India. So he jumped the gun and booked priority boarding for the flight home. It means he’s guaranteed to bring his hand luggage on board, as well as a second smaller bag in tow as he glides onto the plane before the peasants who didn’t fork out an extra £9 for the honour. Or maybe he was simply playing the Love Island simulation game to take his mind off things. We simply will never know.

3. Molly-Mae wanted to call her baby Mayonnaise because she has lost her goddamn mind??

Right, everyone has been marinating in the sun for far too long. Their bodies are dealing with higher levels of vitamin D than ever before. Their brains are melting, which is the only reasonably explanation for Molly-Mae’s suggestion that her and Tommy should name their baby Mayo, short for Mayonnaise, but also a county in the west of Ireland. Imagine legitimately calling your baby Mayonnaise. Mayonnaise Fury. It sounds like a crazed diet that celebrities are endorsing in their droves despite Doctor Hilary appearing on Good Morning Britain literally begging people to stop eating mayonnaise for every meal. Molly-Mae has lost her mind, Tommy’s is long gone and we need to look into removing them both from the Love Island villa before they cause irreparable damage to their brains. Fucking Mayonnaise Fury.

4. Jordan used his baby as a bottle holder because he is a genius, it transpires

To be fair, it’s very hard to hold both a baby and a bottle of water at the same time. Jordan is an innovator, we know that now. He placed his half full (or empty) bottle of iced water atop his baby’s head for ease of access. The baby seemed happy to oblige, balancing the bottle to the best of its ability. We got a telling glimpse into the future of these Love Island contestants’ lives with this task, to a world where they will potentially have children and do their best to keep them alive, or at the very least, in good enough condition to balance things on. In a baller move, Anna disowned her fake child immediately upon arrival, leaving Jordan to tend to its every need. Frankly, when you’re left alone with a baby, you can do whatever you want. Rest your drinking vessel on a baby today!

5. Ovie’s baby was somehow aggressively cool despite not even being a real person

Look at that plastic face. Look into those cold, dead eyes. Feel the swagger. That is a fucking cool baby, the kind of baby that would look right through you when you attempt to interact with it, embarrassing you in front of everyone by giving no reaction whatsoever. Just continuing about its baby business, thinking about dumb baby things without even so much as visually registering your existence. That baby is going to rule Montessori school. He’ll have the helpers wrapped around his fingers, tending to his every need and slipping him extra milk at lunch. Ovie and India’s fake baby is aggressively cool. He’s got a leather jacket and packet of cigarettes just out of frame. He listens to Led Zeppelin but refuses to buy a t-shirt because he doesn’t want to shout about it. He Juuls but only on the weekends.

6. Curtis and Chris checked Tommy for head lice

In one of the more tender moments of last night’s show, the evening montage showed Curtis and Chris tenderly checking Tommy Fury’s hair for head lice. It’s a touching image to see three buddies getting together to ensure that their mate’s head hasn’t been infested by ectoparasites. Imagine if the whole villa got head lice. They’d have to use that special shampoo, wash all their bed sheets and then try to work out which grubby little bastard brought the infestation into the villa in the first place. Someone would crack the “It can’t be me because they only go for clean hair lol” joke and everyone would groan. Someone would unnecessarily shave their head. Lucie would return to cry about it for a while. Ovie would make up a song for the head lice. Maura would call them the c-word. Jordan would deny having head lice. Greg would simply enjoy being involved. Fuck, what a storyline. Get head lice into the Love Island villa 2020.

Images via ITV