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02nd Jul 2019

Six things you might have missed during last night’s Love Island

Ciara Knight

Day 24

Just another bloody week in that Love Island villa, isn’t it?

Last night’s episode was fine. It was fine. Nothing spectacular, nothing monumental just fine.

The horny hopefuls are continuing to marinate in their respective villas, sussing out who’s who, what’s what and whether it truly is what it is after all.

Are things a bit boring at present? Yes. But stick with it. Those salacious but contextless postcards are probably going to arrive in the villa postboxes soon, and Amber is going to lose her nut when she finds out what Michael has been saying about her behind her back. Patience, my child.

Here’s six things you might have missed during last night’s Love Island.

1. Anna ignored the several bottles of fresh drinking water around her, instead opting to suck pool water from Ovie’s bellybutton

At a glance, there are at least four water bottles in Anna’s immediate vicinity, yet she opted to scoop up some pool water with her bare hands and decant it into Ovie’s bellybutton, then slurp it up. There’s a number of issues with this picture, the main one being Anna’s voluntary decision to drink pool water, which would have had many butts, feet and sweaty torsos marinating in it over the past few days. The girl is disturbed. She can claim that panic set in during the task, but it’s clear that there was something else afoot. Anna likes the taste of pool water mixed with sweaty bellybutton. She is a sick individual, one that needs to be locked up and potentially given the death penalty. We simply can’t have that kind of maniac loose in our society today.

2. Anna and Ovie broke the sound barrier with the noise of their kissing

Exciting news! Anna and Ovie are the first couple to break the sound barrier on this year’s Love Island. All it took was one incredibly wet kiss to pass Mach 1, thereby producing a sonic boom. Congratulations to the pair who are now officially the loudest kissers in the world. They will soon receive an award from the Guinness World Records and presumably do a tour of TED Talks sharing their story. Other islanders have kissed loudly, but none quite as impressively as Anna and Ovie. We wish the pair all the best in their future endeavours and commend the ITV production team for getting such precise audio recordings of every damn kiss that goes on on that godforsaken villa just mute the damn noises they are disgusting saliva is gross thanks.

3. Molly-Mae broke the fourth wall by staring dead into the night vision camera and also all of our souls combined

As the sun set on another uneventful day in Casa Amor, Molly-Mae took full advantage of having a bed to herself by plonking right in the middle and using far too many pillows than is ergonomically advisable. She then sat bolt upright and stared dead into the lens of the night vision camera which for some reason turned the whites of her eyes completely black. What was she thinking? Was she trying to send a signal to us entertainment-hungry Love Island viewers? Perhaps she was just taking a contemplative few moments before getting off to sleep. Either way, it was frightening and it simply cannot happen again. This isn’t The Office. Nobody is allowed to look into the camera lens. I don’t like it. Pretend we’re not here, thank you.

4. Dennon’s sleeping position fitted in perfectly with The Creation of Adam painting

Little Dennon was sleeping peacefully beside the saviour of Love Island 2019 Maura Higgins, dreaming about little Dennon things such as fancying Maura, maintaining his perfectly-shaped beard and purchasing glasses / sunglasses hybrids, when his body adopted the perfect Creation of Adam pose. Perhaps this is exactly what God had in mind when he created Adam. He wanted Adam to live in a world where being horny and on telly was enough to forge a career out of. Dennon might get to stay in the villa if Maura chooses him, but even if he gets sent home, Dennon will have enough local night club appearances to see him well into the end of this fiscal year. Things are going to be absolutely fine either way. This is all part of God’s plan, sadly.

5. Anna’s subtle audition for The Adjustment Bureau went well

Anna was casually rooting through Ovie’s belongings behind his back because as we all know, that is the only way you can ever truly get to know someone. She located his stash of hats and decided to try out his maroon trilby. Almost instantly, it became apparent what she was playing at. Anna, like the rest of the islanders, is thinking about the future. She wants to know that her career is on an upward trajectory once she leaves the villa. The Adjustment Bureau came out eight years ago and the ending left it wide open for a sequel. Why not Anna? Truly, why not add a Love Island contestant to the cast? It would be very funny. Also, Ovie can lend her a hideous hat from his collection. The stars have frankly never been more perfectly aligned.

6. Tommy appears to have gotten his ‘Chivey’ tattoo removed

Remember when Tommy and Molly-Mae were having breakfast together? Remember at the same time Michael and Yewande (gone but not forgotten) were also eating breakfast and chatting about the various areas of science that they studied? Meanwhile Tommy and Molly-Mae were making up words, such as ‘Chivey’. Well, let’s pretend that Tommy went and got a Chivey tattoo the very next day. He slipped out of the villa, brought a Spanish tattooist a picture of some chives and wrote down the word ‘chivey’, instructing for it to be etched on skin forever. “Ah, si, cebolletas”, the tattooist said, and got to work on tattooing a picture of some chives on young Tommy Fury’s ankle. But it’s been a few weeks now and he’s not really feeling it, so he got the tattoo removed. Or maybe he just scratched his ankle. Impossible to say, really.

Images via ITV