Day 21
Not sure if you’ve heard, but there’s a new series of Love Island on telly at the moment.
To get you up to speed, the show puts roughly 14 people into a villa together and they’re all very horny, so inevitably they start pairing off and then must fight to the death until one of them is crowned the victor of The Hunger Games.
It’s a heartwarming affair best watched with family members of all ages, especially young ones.
Here’s six things you might have missed during last night’s incredibly uneventful show.
1. We finally got an accurate representation of what brushing your teeth in the morning looks like
I am sick to the literal back teeth of seeing Love Island‘s inhabitants daintily brushing their teeth like they’re on goddamn TV or something. Gently scrubbing to and fro with electric toothbrushes because they are apparently already millionaires. They stand in front of the mirrors eyeing up their flawless torsos, barely frothing at the mouth, conversing with each other and then unleashing a tiny little elegant spit into the sink at the end. It’s misleading. Brushing your teeth is an aggressive affair, it’s animalistic. If you don’t look like a rabies-ridden dog while you’re brushing your teeth, you aren’t doing it right. Amber gets it. She’s contorted her body over the sink, foaming at the mouth, eyes in a fixed morning gaze contemplating life. That’s how it’s done, Britain. Wake up.
2. Danny did a Bear Grylls
Hahaha what a good joke. Danny is drinking something yellow so it looks like piss! But let’s hypothesise that I am correct. Based on Tom’s reaction in the above image, it’s plausible. Imagine Danny just straight up drank his own piss and decided to bring that quirk into Love Island. Every morning he takes his personalised water bottle into the bathroom and loads up on piss for the day. He’ll then refrigerate it for 2-3 hours so it reaches the optimum drinking temperature and proceed to sip on his own piss throughout the day. The other islanders beg him to stop, but he won’t. Now that he’s coupled up with Arabella, he’s going to drink her piss as well. One person can only excrete so much piss in a day. She will beg him to stop, but he won’t. Danny will get thrown out of the villa for trying to drink everyone’s piss. He’ll rig the toilet so that it doesn’t flush, scurrying in after each islander to get a hit of that sweet sweet pissy water. He’s scum.
3. Anton looked chillingly like Aladdin during the ‘Online Buzz’ challenge
Just a standard Love Island visual comparison point here, but a very accurate one at that. Let’s think about the similarities between Aladdin and Anton. Firstly, both their names begin with an ‘A’. Also they’re both impoverished little rapscallions in search of a precious oil lamp which when rubbed produces a genie who helps them to get richer and ultimately trick a princess into loving them. Where their differences come into play is the magic carpet. While Aladdin is in possession of a magic carpet that can transport both him and Princess Jasmine all over the world, Anton’s does not. His magic carpet is long gone thanks to his mother who voluntarily waxes it on a bi-monthly basis.
4. Molly-Mae used the term “the palms of your feet” because she is an idiot, it transpires
After the intended outcome of the ‘Online Buzz’ challenge ensued, Molly-Mae was particularly chived off about one of the comments. A delightful Twitter user, of which there are many, suggested that Tommy deserves better than Molly-Mae. Naturally, Molly-Mae didn’t take too kindly to the insinuation that she isn’t good enough for Tyson Fury’s younger brother and wanted to talk things through. In trying to work it out, she said “So in what way do you deserve better? Like…. someone that licks the palms of your feet?”. This is funny for two reasons, firstly because Molly-Mae fully believes that that is the exact term she was looking for and also because it insinuates that Tommy is a monkey since they have hand-like feet. Lol.
5. For a very brief moment, Maura looked like the Masked Magician
Yes we can all see very clearly that it is a face mask, but I cannot stress enough how boring this series is and how little happens in each episode. So we must bend the truth wherever we see fit so as to drag some sort of life out of this mundane crop of degenerates. Imagine if Maura was actually the Masked Magician. Remember Breaking The Magician’s Code? That show was absolutely sick. A magician revealed loads of tricks and it was the purest form of Dad-bait television we’ve ever seen. All across the nation, Dads would assemble in front of the telly to try and uncover the secrets behind the magic tricks right before the literal magician did it. “He’s got a stunt double, bet the house on it”, the Dads would exclaim, only to later find out that it was actually a mirror being used. “Well you could do it that way as well”, they’d admit in defeat.
6. Tommy invented a new word in “refreshifies”, which proves that he and Molly-Mae are perfect for each other in the sense that they are both a bit dim
“… it just refreshifies my memory”, said a grinning Tommy in relation to hearing that Molly-Mae is fully committed to him, thus proving that the pair are genuinely very well suited. Between Molly-Mae’s inability to correctly identify basic anatomy and Tommy’s fondness for creating words out of thin air (also see: Chivey), they’re sure to have a long-lasting and certainly very interesting relationship together. Imagine a world where Tommy and Molly-Mae get married. “I Scooby Dooby Dooo”, they’d say at the altar, then begin their new life together wearing wedding bands on their “hand toes”. Imagine the children. Imagine the grandchildren. The future is in safe hands thanks to Love Island 2019. May God bless us, everyone.
Images via ITV
