Week 2 – Biscuits!
The country is on its knees and there’s only one thing that can truly unite us all – GBBO!
Last night’s instalment of the show proved that it’s possible for us all to band together, setting aside our differences to stand united on one key issue facing society today: Fig Rolls are an abomination and should henceforth be banned from public consumption.
The bakers were tasked with tackling biscuits during last night’s show, which will ultimately confuse American viewers and rightfully so. Cookies are a type of biscuit, not a blanket term for biscuits. If you think otherwise, you are wrong and making a fool of yourself.
Here’s six important things you might’ve missed during last night’s GBBO.
1. Henry accidentally revealed his GBBO game plan
During a cutesy montage of Henry’s home life, we were treated to scenes of the unconfirmed extra from Harry Potter playing the church organ and nonchalantly reading a copy of Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night upon an outdoor bench of some sort, precisely how the playwright intended for his work to be consumed. But eagle-eyed viewers may have noticed that Henry’s book wasn’t quite as innocent as it seemed. If you observe the fifth paragraph to the right of the page, trigger warning, you are going to get quite a fright. Henry has edited the text to read “I will stop at nothing to win GBBO 2019. I will eat Paul and Prue for sport”. This is pretty damning evidence and hopefully something we will see being addressed as the series progresses. Prue and Paul are not edible. That has been made very clear to all bakers.
2. Phil transported a box of cupcakes ON HIS MOTORBIKE and the entire journey was suspiciously casualty-free
Until this point, many of us would’ve had Helena down as a definite purveyor of witchcraft, but last night’s GBBO revealed that Phil might be the one who is dabbling in the occult. We learned that he enjoys riding motorbikes with his pixelated-jacket wearing friends, a common hobby of most baking enthusiasts. As someone who managed to put her entire elbow through a birthday cheesecake on the bus to work one time, I was personally floored by Phil’s ability to transport a box of half a dozen cupcakes to his friends who were patiently waiting in a carpark, with all parties emerging unscathed. Look at that icing, it’s as fresh as it was once initially piped! There is but one logical explanation for this scientific marvel and it rhymes with bitchcraft.
3. Michelle cheated by pre-making labels for her bakewell bars and should therefore be disqualified and possibly even sent to jail
“Michelle’s delicious bake off bar” HOW DID SHE KNOW THAT IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS BEFORE SHE HAD EVEN MADE IT? We are now in the tenth series of GBBO and we need to be taking things devastatingly serious. The contestants were given 2.5 hours to make their chocolate bars, no more and certainly no less. But Claire from Fleabag Michelle pre-made a decorative label. Is this allowed? Nobody knows where I can find the official GBBO rules and regulations booklet, but I would assume not. Unless Michelle found the time in her allotted 2.5 hours to find a working printer and graphic designer to produce this label, she simply must be disqualified from the competition. It’s the Great British BAKE Off, not the Great British Label Off. She is conning the nation.
4. Helena didn’t make enough Fig Rolls so she simply drew an extra one on the board and hoped that the judges wouldn’t notice
All credit for ingenuity, Helena was thinking on her feet when she used a presumably toxic white marker on the designated Fig Roll presentation slate. She realised that she had fallen one short of the required twelve Fig Rolls, but failed to panic. Frankly, we have to stan that kind of behaviour. It’s a real ‘Ah fuck it’ attitude and one that the GBBO tent is in dire need of this year. Everyone is palpably aware of what’s at stake. They’re all eyeing up book deals and Waterstones signing events where a minor celebrity (Dean Gaffney) pretends to have stumbled upon their heavily-advertised meet and greet, performatively reluctant to get a selfie with them, which he later uploads to the Instagram (main feed, not stories). Thank you for being you, Helena. You witchy goth genius.
5. Alice’s New Zealand sheep looked exactly like inflated Aunt Marge from Harry Potter and nobody even noticed
You show me a single GBBO bake that looks more like inflated Aunt Marge and I will show you a mirror so that you can see what a liar looks like. Alice’s New Zealand lamb was disproportionately large in its tiny field with even tinier fencing around it, much like the memories of Aunt Marge as she floated high above the Dursley residence during one of the movies, I don’t remember exactly which one but also it doesn’t matter. What I am saying is that Alice’s gigantic sheep biscuit concoction could double up as a Harry Potter themed birthday cake, should the situation ever arise. You can never be too prepared for the curves that life tends to throw our way.
6. Alice’s Mum accidentally revealed herself to be Extremely Middle Class and also deeply unfamiliar with how the concept of television works
After learning that she had won star baker, Alice performed a classic GBBO front of camera phone call to inform her nearest and dearest of the triumph. Presumably her Mum, the recipient of the call said “I’m on camera? Oh my God. I’m eating my salad here and I’ve got bits of cress in my teeth”. This is funny for two reasons. Firstly, she is on the phone, so the camera cannot see what she is eating, nor where in her mouth it is currently lodged. Secondly, she has accidentally outed herself as being Extremely Middle Class because nobody with a shitty salary can afford to buy cress. It’s a garnish with little to no nutritional value, reserved for rich people and primary school kids that are learning how to grow plants in grubby little yoghurt pots. All we can do is hope and trust that Alice’s Mum eventually dislodged that piece of cress from her teeth once all the excitement died down. Godspeed.
Images via Channel 4
