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11th Sep 2019

Six things you might have missed during last night’s GBBO

Ciara Knight

Week 3 – Bread!

Last night’s GBBO should’ve been called ‘Bready Steady Bake’, but whatever.

Our aspiring bakers baked their little baking hearts out, all while Paul Hollywood remained as smug as ever while he got to sample their efforts in a field which he has somehow claimed ownership of despite never applying for nor being granted planning permission.

Truly it was Hollywood’s night as he sniffed, poked, prodded and masticated the bready offerings while our precious bakers looked on, bracing for impact but also horny for a handshake.

Here’s six things you might’ve missed during last night’s show.

1. Henry continued to dress like a work experience student who’s eager to prove that he’s not just there because his dad owns the company, despite him only being there because his dad owns the company

“Sorry I’m late. My dad, the owner of this company, was supposed to give me a lift but he ended up leaving earlier than I expected so I had to get a driver and he refused to play Echosmith so I had to get an Uber and by that point the traffic was a nightmare. Anyway, I’m not going to be doing any work here today because I stayed up very late playing Crash Bandicoot so please just leave me alone to waste the day away sending boring Snapchats and snacking on trail mix, or I will be forced to tell me father, the owner of this company, that you smelled like gin this morning”.

2. Rosie legitimately put her cake on an IV drip because that is just something that happens on our TV screens now I guess?

Given that we’re 10 (ten) series deep into GBBO, it’s perfectly natural that things are going to verge on lunacy to keep the show entertaining. They’ve already diversified the contestants by allowing a goth into a tent, so it makes perfect sense to bring a vet on board who actively incorporates her veterinary instruments into the baking process. This week, we saw Rosie hooking up an IV drip to her freshly baked cake at home. Next week, I’m fully confident that she’s going to use one of those very long gloves, the kind that goes all the way up to your shoulder, to scrape out the inside of a baked Alaska and also check if its baby is developing properly in the womb.

3. Noel Fielding ate too much shortening

Such is the risk you run when you choose to exist on a diet that consists solely of shortening. Noel’s decision to dive into the GBBO shortening cupboard and eat the entire supply has cost him dearly, having shrunk the comedian to an admittedly very adorable size. His previous height of 5′ 9″ has now been downgraded to 2′ 3″ and that is as a direct result of scoffing all of the shortening reserves. The rest of the series will have to be shortening-less and Noel will need to take some time off to adapt to this new way of life. Lesson learned, frankly. Nice boots though.

4. They turned all of the contestants into veggie burgers!

Yes I make this joke at least once every year, but it’s still very funny. During the judging part of the technicals, all of the contestants must line up their bakes behind photographs of themselves. It’s reminiscent of a funeral, where sometimes the family put a photograph of the deceased beside the coffin so all attendees can make sure they’re at the right funeral. Based on the above image, all of the remaining GBBO 2019 contestants have been turned into veggie burgers at the hands of Prue and Paul. May they yeast in peace.

5. The White Stripes made an unexpected appearance in the GBBO tent

Despite having officially broken up in 2011, Meg and Jack White surprised baking and alternative rock enthusiasts alike by popping up in the GBBO tent. They had nothing to promote, no announcements to make, they simply wanted to infiltrate the competition and see Meg crowned as the best baker on the show, or at least star baker just once. Jack assumed the role of the quirky goth presenter who’s really into fashion, while Meg disguised herself as a spook-enthusiast baker who claims that every day is Halloween in her house. We wish them the best of luck!

6. ALICE made a COMPASS out of BREAD

Remember GBBO 2015? A man made an entire replica of a lion’s head out of bread. He spent hours chipping away at the intricate design, producing one of the most beautiful bread sculptures the world has ever seen. Then Brexit happened. Now our GBBO bakers are making a Union Jack loaf of bread and a goddamn bread compass. Would it surprise you to learn that the person who baked the items pictured above is a geography teacher? Probably not. BUT WHAT USE IS A BREAD COMPASS, ALICE? WHAT GOOD IS THAT GOING TO DO IN THE WILDERNESS WHEN YOUR PHONE HAS DIED? SURE, IT WILL PROVIDE SUSTENANCE, BUT THE IRONY OF BEING LOST AND SNACKING ON A FAKE COMPASS WILL BE TOO MUCH.

Images via Channel 4