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24th August 2017
06:28pm BST
The S Club 7 singer is 39. Next year, she is going to be 40. She still looks roughly 22 years old, so the only logical explanation for this is a classic case of Benjamin Button Syndrome. Rachel is actually becoming more youthful in appearance while her birth age increases. It's a rare condition, only ever presented in Benjamin Button who is a fictional character, but that's not to say that it isn't possible. Plenty of ogres own swamps and spend their days with their best friend whom is a donkey, so really, where is the line between fact and fiction in the year of our Lord 2017?
To put Rachel's anti-ageing wizardry in perspective, fellow celebrities that share her age of 39 years include James Corden, James Franco, Donald Trump Jr., Katie Price, Perez Hilton and Betty White. It's likely that a spinoff show will result from Rachel's Celebrity MasterChef appearance, which chronicles in great detail her skincare regime, diet, exercise and general wellbeing practices so that we may all achieve immortality in the same way that she has done. Perhaps her secret is that, true to her band's suggestions, she has simply never stopped 'movin' to that funky funky beat'.
2. That kid from Outnumbered has a ridiculous name
To get your Tyger Drew-Honey name, simply pick your favourite animal and spell it pretentiously, then combine it with a past tense verb and a delicious sweet treat. I'm Sealyon Walked-Crème Brûlée!! A minimal amount of research has told me that Tyger's real name is actually Lindzi James Tyger Drew-Honey, which is equally as majestic as what he's shortened it to. Luckily, the guy is incredibly cool and can pull of the name with the perfect amount of grace.
Tyger also went from being a literal baby to a fully grown man in the space of about two years, which again is deeply troubling. If nothing else, I'm glad that Celebrity MasterChef is back so that we can track the miraculous age progression of people in the public eye. I don't even care about their cooking abilities, I just want to know if they can grow beards yet or drive a rental car in a foreign country. He's easily the youngest contestant this year, so in a way he must feel quite Outnumbered lol.
3. REBECCA ADLINGTON OBE IS A CHEAT
The contestants were all given a mystery box full of various ingredients and then tasked with cooking a meal from it using their wildest imagination. What a convenience for Becky Adlington, but weren't they the exact ingredients resting in her box that completed a pasta dish she had cooked mere days ago. She'd been practicing and is therefore a cheat. You're trying to tell me that the entirely random box coincidentally suited her abilities? Get real, I smell a rat and I won't rest until I've uncovered the truth.
My guess is that Becky visited a psychic in the days leading up to her appearance on the show. The psychic told her precisely what would be in the mystery box, so she rushed home to get practicing on her spaghetti bolognese. It's clear as day. Becky Adlington is a massive cheat. Should we call her Olympic medals into question in light of this damning news? Personally, I believe so. Strip her of the OBE, all awards and status as a national treasure. She is using the act of looking into the future to win a celebrity cookery show. Becky, you should be ashamed of yourself. Things cannot go this swimmingly for you in life.
4. Debbie McGee couldn't stop being an entertainer even if she tried
Fair enough she took a pretty easy route in the first cookery task by literally just poaching two pears in a saucepan of red wine, but she did it with style and the judges were seemingly quite impressed with the finished product. Debbie, thrilled to have somehow escaped a bollocking, returned to her cooking station only to give us the performance of a lifetime, by pretending to take a swig from the remains of the tiny bottle of wine she'd used on her pears.
It was encapsulating. This is a woman with about 42 years of experience in the entertainment industry and she graciously treated us to the show that we all so desperately craved. Celebrity MasterChef has the tendency to become quite serious when there's such severities as food poisoning at stake, so it was a joy to get a brief respite from the tension and laugh at what we all find truly funny: Someone pretending to drink to cope with their nerves. Tbh, have a glass, Debbie. You deserve it and thank you.
5. Gregg Wallace doesn't enjoy physical contact
When Debbie learned that she was actually cooking far too much and could eliminate something, she was Debbie McGlee. What luck, she can take it easy now and enjoy her time on Celebrity MasterChef. Perhaps even joke around with a miniature bottle of wine to the camera to express her nerves again. Just kidding, Debbie celebrated the only way she knew how: by hugging Gregg Wallace against his own free will. Gregg indulged the hug because she's Debbie McGee, but he couldn't hide his inner feelings.
Gregg provided his body for a hug, but his mind was a million miles away, longing for a simpler time when awkward MasterChef contestants kept their distance and feared him. He's easily the most comforting of the two judges, but that doesn't mean he's happy with the role. Gregg Wallace is a simple man who likes nothing more than a buttery biscuit base. Debbie tested his patience last night, but she also may have been the catalyst that turns Gregg into a softer being, one who loves hugs and kisses.
6. Dev Griffin can't make eclairs for shit
Credit where it's due, the guy nailed everything else he turned his hand to on last night's Celebrity MasterChef, but we need to talk about those limp eclairs. Dev admitted that they'd never turned out that way in the past, but my dude, we are living in the present. When you're up against such stiff competition as Rachel from S Club 7 and that guy from Outnumbered, you can't afford to bring anything less than your A game, something Dev would've been all too aware of.
Perhaps the pressure got to him. He's a confident guy, things were going well up until that point. Ever the trooper, Dev fashioned his biscuit-like mixtures to create a two-tiered cake thing with the filling sandwiched in the middle. He chucked a few raspberries on top and voilá: Masterchef. Dev's eclairs will henceforth be regarded as a metaphor for life. Sometimes you'll try really hard at something, but it'll still turn to shit. Not to worry though, Gregg Wallace will still have a taste and make you feel better :)
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