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06th Jul 2017

Six key moments you might’ve missed on last night’s Love Island

Jesus Christ has risen and he is living in the villa

Ciara Knight

Episode 27.

A lot happened last night, from unexpected comedic qualities to deeply unpleasant kissing sounds, the islanders are still providing us with television gold a mere five weeks in.

Here are six moments you might’ve missed with all the excitement.

1. Gabby is actually very fucking funny

In the previous show, we learned that Marcel is the most popular male islander among voters, a title that very few people would dare try to take away from him. Later that night, while he and Gabby were engaging in some gentle pillow talk, Gabby announced that she’d worked out how Marcel had earned the crown. It’s clearly been on her mind that Marcel has done the nasty with 200-300 people, so she put 2(00) and 3(00) together.

Gabby informed Marcel that he’d been voted the most popular because all those girls he’s had relations with (and maybe boys, it’s 2017 after all) had been casting votes. It’s a good joke, in fact, it’s a great joke. It gets the right amount of passive-aggression across to let him know that she’s horrified about the girth of his past exploits, and also suggests that the vote was in some way compromised. Gabby, you are a sly dawg. While Marcel, you are an old dawg.

2. Amber sleeps like she’s sniffing her armpit

The trademark Love Island morning montage was taking place during last night’s episode when my attention was arrested quicker than Bill Cosby at a women’s march. Kem had just woken up and was shuffling his tanned little torso off the couch when Amber came to the foreground of the screen. Look. At. Her. The girl sleeps like she’s doing a quick check of her armpit to see whether she can get away with not showering for another day. Call me crazy, or running low on content, but that is very fucking funny.

It’s likely they’re struggling to get a decent night’s sleep on the couch, but that’s not from a lack of beds. For some reason, these two (as well as Jonny and Tyla) have opted for the couch area the past two nights. I cannot for the life of me figure out why. They’re not getting any privacy considering there’s another couple beside them, it’s hardly comfortable and there are literally 4,000 empty beds in the next room. They’re a quartet of oddballs, but at least we’ve learned that Amber sleeps weirdly. Namaste.

3. Alex can walk on water, therefore he is our Lord and saviour Jesus Christ

I am sick of these ungrateful degenerates not using the magnificent swimming pool that they’ve been gifted with in that other-worldly villa. They’re sitting around smoking (literally and metaphorically) in 30° heat all day and for some reason, nobody ever gets in the pool. I don’t give a shit if their microphones aren’t waterproof, nobody says anything of worth in a swimming pool anyway. I cannot afford a holiday so I am living my summer vicariously through these chumps. The least they could do is have a splash around the pool on my behalf.

Luckily, by the grace of God himself, Alex took a quick morning dip in the pool on last night’s episode. He jumped in and for a split second, I swear to Christ, the boy walked on water. I’ve taken the best screengrab possible above, but I need you to trust me that he stayed like that for a split second. He didn’t immediately plunge into the water. Alex is Christ reincarnate. I will be keeping my eyes peeled for further signs as the series progresses, but I need everyone to know that I spotted it first. We don’t even know Alex’s surname yet, but I am confident it is Christ.

4. Jonny and Tyla’s kissing is so loud, dogs in Australia can hear it

Alex H. Christ will someone PLEASE make it stop or humanely put me down so I don’t have to be subjected to this monstrosity any longer? I have it on good authority that the sound of Tyla and Jonny’s kissing is being used as a torture method in Guantanamo, with extremely effective results. Why do they do it so loudly? It’s as if they’re both trying to suck the life out of each other through their mouths, like some kind of promiscuous Dementor who’s been warned in the past that he doesn’t actually need to be that accurate with his sucking.

I need them both to leave the villa immediately, for the sake of my sanity. Anyone that has wronged Camilla Thurlow can respectfully get fucked, to be quite frank. Everything they do together annoys me. Jonny is a literal squid and Tyla is actually probably a nice person but I cannot forgive her for nabbing Jonny. Why can’t they kiss quietly? It’s not hard. The loudest sound ever recorded was a volcanic eruption in 1883, but the second loudest is from 2017 and it’s Jonny and Tyla’s lips yelping in unison.

5. The girls are legally required to travel in packs of 3 or more at all times in the villa

They’ve kept it pretty quiet on the show, but there’s actually a strict rule in place on the island stipulating that the girls must travel in threes or more at all times. Unlike The Handmaid’s Tale which requires two, Love Island has taken a more practical approach. Three ensures that, should a situation arise, one girl can run for help while the other two comfort each other. We’ve seen great success from this new addition to the villa’s rules, as the girls all narrowly avoided being aggressively stared at by Craig over the weekend.

It’s a strange one as the boys aren’t required to travel in groups, they are free to roam about the premises as they please. In the instance photographed above, Amber needed to take a shit, so she rounded up the troops (Montana and Camilla) to keep her company for the big occasion. It was just as well she paid attention to this important protocol, as a situation arose (no toilet paper), so Montana was free to fetch some supplies while Camilla stayed with Amber for emotional support. Love Island, making the world a better place since 2015.

6. Tyla said, in a non-jokey way, that her dream man is either Mark Wahlberg or Peter fucking Andre

*Groans uncontrollably* Literally any man in the world and Tyla has chosen a combination of Marky Mark and Katie Price’s ex. If that isn’t the aptest description of Tyla we’re going to receive, I’m not sure what is. She didn’t even go for fan favourites such as Gosling, Tatum or Dornan. The girl picked two men that can’t sing very well and have never particularly reached the staggering heights of fame that they so desperately crave.

In the interest of research, I decided to morph Mark Wahlberg and Peter Andre’s faces together. As you can see from the above image, that is not an attractive combination by anyone’s standard. Some might say hideous. It does, however, explain Tyla’s attraction to the human embodiment of a squid, Jonny. The girl’s tastes are… unconventional at best. Please, Great Britain, vote the worst coupling since Donald Trump and Twitter out of Love Island before I lose my cool entirely.

All images via ITV


Love Island