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21st September 2017
10:20pm BST
Perhaps this one cuts a little too close to the bone, but I didn't say that these life lessons were going to be pleasant. So many times we've witnessed someone on First Dates lay their entire personality out bare for their potential suitor to decide whether they can tolerate it or not and things just haven't worked out well. They'll innocently divulge that they own 37 copies of Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp's Adventure and then you can actually pinpoint the moment their date's eyes glaze over and they begin to daydream of a simpler time when we didn't have to put padlocks on our wheelie bins.
Sure, there's a slim chance that being your true self will allow you to connect with someone on a level that you've never experienced before, proving that true love does exist and all you need to do is open yourself up to the possibility of loving someone else by learning to truly accept yourself for who you are, flaws and all. But that's unlikely because at our very core, most of us are garbage. Instead, I recommend telling other people exactly what they want hear at every opportunity, that way it will give off the illusion that you are anything less than a steaming pile of garbage.
2. Drinking a large amount of alcohol is the best way to deal with any situation
Cast your mind back to the introductory sequence of every First Dates hopeful's appearance. They chat a bit to the camera, then we see them approaching the restaurant, only to be met by Fred and his comfortingly handsome smile. He takes their jacket, then ushers him/her to the bar. Merlin takes over at this point, making casual conversation whilst earnestly getting a drink order out of them so that he can put those nerves to bed, metaphorically speaking. As the dater begins to sip their drink, you can visibly see the jitters beginning to settle as they feel their inhibitions loosening and sense of right and wrong blurring. All is well.
Applying this to real life, First Dates has proven that drinking makes everything a bit easier to deal with. If you're nervous about your driving test, have a quick glass of Prosecco beforehand to settle your nerves and get rid of that unnecessary apprehension. As you may have seen on First Dates, the daters will continue to drink during their meal, increasingly quenching that pesky lingering anxiety. Similarly, you should bring a little flask of your favourite tipple to sip throughout the test as well, that way your nerves won't get a chance to be multiply further.
3. Never eat anything other than extremely basic food when you're in public
The First Dates menu is typically quite dater-friendly. Most times, you'll see the guests opting for something simple like a steak or some chicken with a side salad. It's basic food for basic people who are trying to make an impression. Every once in a while, a rogue dater will enter the ring and get a rack of ribs to start, followed by a burger, then churros for dessert. He/she is out for a good time and cares little about the fact that they will require a full body shower after eating. Some might admire that kind of behaviour on a first date, but we must always be weary of the meme potential when you appear on telly.
In reality, everyone loves a good bowl of chicken wings smothered in sauce, but the time has come for us to accept that this may only be consumed in the comfort of your own home, illuminated solely by the glow of the television playing true crime documentaries which flash jarringly against your sauce-ridden face. When you're at home, nothing is off limits. You can have an entire birthday cake in the bath if you fancy it because nobody will ever know, provided you live alone. If you ever want to fall in love, nutritionally speaking, you need to be respectable in the streets but a fiend in the metaphorical sheets.
4. If you aren't a posh person, you will find it incredibly difficult to penetrate their inner circle
Almost every episode of First Dates has a trademark posh couple and frankly, it's incredibly interesting to see them out in the wild. They'll have their butler wipe the seats before they sit down, order something exotic such as a jus rather than gravy, and their level of conversation will be so unbearably Tory, you'll struggle to follow it in anything other than an ironic manner. I say they, because never in the history of First Dates has a posh person been paired with a commoner. It simply does not happen. I'm not sure what matchmaking techniques they're using behind the scenes, but a fondness for tweed must surely be the main criteria.
Similarly, in everyday life, by the age of 12 you will have discovered whether you are posh or not. Does your family have an AGA? It's bad news if so I'm afraid, you are a big posho. If it turns out that you're not posh, you'll very quickly learn that you will never organically mix with those more affluent than you, and that's fine. The ironclad rules of First Dates stipulate that posh begets posh. If your house is attached to another house and you've ever had your dinner out of a microwave (like a normal human being), you will likely marry someone of a similar heritage. Leave those poshos alone to compare collar pop stiffness, you're doing just fine.
5. Elderly people are the most precious things on earth and we must protect them at all costs
One of the highlights of First Dates is watching an elderly couple manage to tolerate each other for long enough to get through a meal together, then decide that the idea of spending more time in each others' company in the near future doesn't entirely appal them. It's love in its purest form and the world would be a shit tip without it. Anyone that's lucky enough to still have grandparents knows that these precious creatures have lost the ability to sugarcoat things long ago, so it's nothing but truth when they're around. If they admit that they fancy someone on national television, you better believe that it's true love.
If you've sat through an episode which contained OAPs describing the hardship they've endured through loss or heartbreak and you haven't shed a tear, I'm sorry to report that you are made from stone and must be returned to the manufacturer immediately to be humanely destroyed. Oldies have seen the world at its worst, best, then worst again and they're still plodding along looking for a cheeky glass of sherry before dinner. If First Dates has taught us anything, it's that elderly people are better than us disgusting youths and we must do our very best to look after them.
6. Life is an endless pit of sadness and disappointment so you might as well find someone to share it with
It doesn't take First Dates to inspire this obvious logic, but it doesn't hurt to serve as a quick reminder every now and then that having someone to share your misery with is a pretty swell idea. From the moment we're born, we're all slowly hurtling towards the abyss otherwise known as death. In the meantime, we get to suffer a range of emotions including joy, sadness and confusion as to what has happened to the art of journalism. It's a fairly bum deal considering we didn't have any say in being born in the first place, but here we are.
When watching First Dates, it's hard to ignore the fact that most of us just want someone to moan at for the rest of our days. Life is hard enough without being stuck with your own shitty company all the time. The best course of action is to find someone that can put up with your incessant complaints and desire to watch Arrested Development on repeat despite having previously watched every series no less than four times. All the bullshit of work, money and increasing prices of Freddos means nothing at the end of it all. Love *chokes up* truly does conquer all. Go forth and love. Or just watch First Dates repeats in your pants on a Friday night because it's a cracking show.
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