Episode 30!
So much happened last night, it’s perfectly understandable and over one-fifth of the population had to take a sick day from work today just so they could recuperate. Heroically, I am here to recap what happened.
What follows is a listicle of six gravely important things you may have missed last night while you were distracted by Jonny’s troublesome blinking pattern.
Godspeed.
1. Amber needs some sort of national recognition for the memeability of her facial expressions
Last night, we saw the aftermath of new girl (Georgia) having picked Kem to couple up with. Naturally, Amber lost her absolute reason over this innocent enough decision. Everyone felt bad for Georgia as she was put in a really difficult position, everyone except Amber. She pulled this exquisite facial contortion in response to Georgia asking if she was going to be horrible to her for the entirety of her stay on the island. Amber, ever the camera’s best friend, visually signified that she was contemplating such a power move.
Never has a more expressive face graced our television screens in the history of all humanity, and for this I am truly grateful. Amber has provided us with non-stop memes since the inception of this series 30 episodes ago and my live tweeting would’ve gone to shit if it wasn’t for her expressive visage. Any time there’s something remotely dramatic occurring in the villa, the camera without fail will always plant itself firmly on Amber for the reaction money shot. She delivers the goods every single goddamn time.
2. Jonny is extremely shit at comebacks, among everything else
Theo made a solid dig at Jonny while reassuring Amber and Kem that everything would be fine. He said “you two will stay strong, you’ll carry on as normal and Jonny will probably get a bit too protective”, in plain earshot of Jonny. Jonny, the undeniable big man who had mere minutes ago called Theo a “gigantic bellend”, spent a moment doing his utmost to concoct a retort. Much to the disappointment of everyone around, Jonny finally stuttered his way through “Enjoy the bed you idiot”.
Theo was visibly quaking after such a hurtful remark. He was said to have needed two hours with the villa’s psychologist to talk through the devastation that inevitably ensued from Jonny’s harsh words. Theo may be 6′ 5″ in stature, but he feels raw emotion just like the rest of us. The fact that “enjoy the bed you idiot” was the best comeback Jonny could scrape together after a newcomer had stolen his girl would suggest that things don’t bode well for the rest of his stay in the villa. *cough* vote him off *cough*.
3. Montana is still snacking away like an absolute champ
In the midst of last night’s drama, the nation’s sweetheart was continuing her quest to get every bit of value out of her full board package holiday. Camilla and Theo were involved in a heated discussion about whether he should apologise to Jonny or not, but Montana was blinded by her insatiable hunger for snacks. She delicately piled four slices of bread into the villa’s toaster, with the intensity and tunnel vision that can only be likened to a prisoner’s first meal outside the confines of the jailhouse.
This is precisely why we, as a nation, are in love with Montana. She’s a very laid back girl who gives good advice, but also is the first one horsing into a bowl of cereal in that kitchen every time a spot of drama kicks off. It’s the modern day equivalent of grabbing a fistful of popcorn when a pivotal movie scene comes along. Be the Montana you want to see in the world. Live your life, eat the snacks, wait until the best looking person comes along and then pounce. Chill or be chilled. Tom Cruise. Namaste.
4. Theo likes a little drop of Ribena before bed
Listen, I said these were going to be important things, not essential. Either way, 9th July 2017 will forever be known as the day we learned that Theo enjoys a sip of Ribena before bed. It’s not remarkable, just an interesting tidbit I wanted to include in today’s Love Island roundup. We don’t know that much about Theo just yet, so it’s nice to have the knowledge of his pre-bed beverage choice. I would’ve thought he’d go for a glass of water, or even some milk to settle his stomach, but oh lordy how wrong I was.
Theo is a professional athlete, he’s 25 and from Bath. The guy has come to this island to find love, just like everyone else. What sets him apart from the others? He definitely sprints 400 metres quicker than any of them and he does a stunning impression of Jonny. Perhaps us viewers have finally received what we so desperately craved, an islander that isn’t afraid to call Jonny out for being the scum of the earth, followed by a spot on blinking and dumb voice impression of him. Theo for Prime Minister!
5. The islanders are STILL rigorously brushing their tongues
We’re five weeks in and I’m becoming increasingly concerned for the islanders’ tongue welfare. They’re scrubbing their tongues with such a ferocity, it can logically only end in tears. I was under the illusion that they were putting on a bit of a show for the cameras, similar to how you always want to brush your teeth for longer than the person beside you as a power move and to prove that you have the superior oral hygiene. But it appears that my logic was flawed, as they’re still going to town on their tongues in private.
It’s not even a subtle close-mouthed procedure, these brazen folk are drooping out their tongues for all to see, then scrubbing away to their heart’s content. Are they sending subliminal messages home? Ten tongue scrubs means they’re safe, twelve means they’re in very real danger and request immediate backup. Olivia gave her tongue a serious clean yesterday morning, but what was she trying to convey? If I had to hazard a guess, I’d be inclined to believe that she is letting the general public know that she needs some Tungsten, a rare metal often used in incandescent bulbs.
6. The Spanish should stick to tapas and leave brunch to the professionals
With all due respect to my thousands of Spanish readers, what in the fuck is this monstrosity? The islanders were invited to a couples’ brunch yesterday and the spread that was put on can only be described as ‘WHAT?’. We all know that brunch is merely a gateway to drinking all day, along with accompanying sweet treats and the greasiest savoury breakfast items. What was presented to the islanders is offensive. Two slices of seedy batch loaf toasted, browning mashed avocado and what is either a type of cheese or tofu. Not fucking acceptable, Love Island.
I’d also like to draw sufficient attention to the item of cutlery placed to the right of the “meal” above. At a glance, you would be forgiven for mistaking it for a knife. However, if you try to locate the tip of the knife, you will fail miserably. That isn’t a knife at all. It’s some weird double-handled piece of cutlery that I don’t care to distinguish. Similar to the threat on a long-haul flight, are knives banned from the villa? Are they restricted to blunt objects only? What the fuck is really going on in that villa that they don’t want us to see? Find out next time on Love Island.
All images via ITV
