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28th Jun 2018

Six deeply important moments you might’ve missed on last night’s Love Island

S Club 7 look different

Ciara Knight

Day 21.

Right, confession time.

These aren’t actually important moments. Most of them are made up, that’s the whole joke. I’m on your side, I also consider the show to be garbage. But watching it is an undeniable form of meditation. You get to switch your brain off for precisely one hour every night and watch people destroying their entire lives and reputation in real time for the sake of getting a shag.

So far, this series has been horrendously boring. Truly, these people do nothing. The banter is in minus figures. It’s becoming a chore to write these recaps. Journalism has died.

Anyway, heres six “deeply” “important” moments you might’ve missed on last night’s show.

1. Dani proposed to Laura’s knee

She’d been eyeing up Laura’s right knee for the past few weeks but hadn’t quite built up the courage to express her true feelings until last night. Dani saw the opportunity arise and grasped it with both hands. She cosied over to Laura in her time of need and seized the day. Dani used Laura’s distraction of heartbreak to make a play for the knee. She said something to the effect of “Please marry me, yeah? Thanks” and the knee said yes. Dani and the knee, or ‘Daknee’ as we’re calling them, are now engaged. They will marry in the fall. Best man will be Liam Neeson and bridesmaid will be the ghost of Nina Simone thank you.

2. Laura told Megan that she is not a slag, therefore Megan is no longer a slag

Mark it in your calendars folks because last night, Wednesday 27th June 2018, we learned that Laura doesn’t think that Megan is a slag. This will have come as a huge shock to viewers because just one night previously, Laura said that Megan was indeed a slag, so we would’ve taken that as gospel. However, Laura has since retracted the statement and announced that the opposite is true. Be sure to update your files and log books. Laura now officially believes that Megan is not a slag. We’ll keep you abreast of this story as it progresses. Stick with us for all the latest slag updates.

3. After stealing Wes from Laura, Megan’s biggest concern was that she wouldn’t get to use Laura’s hairbrush anymore

It’s a fair point and one that she fully deserves to air, but maybe just privately to herself, or even whisper it into a box, seal the box and then throw that box directly into the fire pit where it can perish immediately with all of its contents intact. Megan has just stolen Laura’s man, Wes. She pulled Laura aside to apologise for flaunting it, then afterwards told Zara and Adam that she was worried she won’t be able to use Laura’s hairbrush when she’s blowdrying her hair from now on. She only said sorry to increase her chances of being able to borrow the hairbrush agian! This is a modern day Shakespeare love story.

4. Megan subtly eyeballed the camera like Jim from The Office

She’s playing us. She has played us all. Megan knew what she was doing and that look speaks a thousand words, all of them “guilty”. Look at her, sitting there, staring at us. We’ve been had. Caroline Flack was walking into the villa and rather than sitting and smiling at her, as is required by law, Megan boldly stared right down the lens of the camera. She’s hiding far more than we ever thought. It’s a goddam mess. We’ve been played for fools. Jim Halpert would NEVER. Megan is scum. Get her out.

5. S Club 7 look different

Bradley, Paul, Jon, Rachel, Hannah, Jo and Tina turned up to the villa rather unexpectedly to school the islanders on the subject of love. It made perfect sense as they have released countless songs on the topic, turning the matter into banger after relentless banger. But on this occasion, they weren’t singing. The band had an announcement to make. They’ve been on hiatus for quite some time, but they’re willing to return to music if the islanders agree to stop being so insufferably boring. It’s a fair position to put themselves in and hopefully one that the gang will consider.

6. Ellie and Megan couldn’t believe it’s not butter

Hand on heart, I’ve been in a similar position before. It looks, tastes and even smells like butter, but somehow, it just isn’t. Folks, it’s margarine! It’s not butter at all! What is the difference between butter and margarine? Are you truly expecting to learn this in a article about Love Island? Get a grip. Logic has no place here. Anyway, Ellie and Megan were pulled aside and told that it is indeed, not butter. Both were shocked and understandably confused. It will take some time for things to sink in and what the girls truly need right now is the support of their fellow islanders. Finally, once they’ve come to terms with everything, the second half of their lives can begin.

Images via ITV


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