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30th Jun 2017

Six crucial things you might’ve missed on last night’s Love Island

We don't deserve Camilla, all men look the same now (and other important information from last night's drama)...

Ciara Knight

Episode 22.

My friends, it all kicked off last night. The boys went to a new villa (complete with a fully-functioning sex swing) and were joined by 1 girl that was copied and pasted 5 times. Meanwhile, 6 of the exact same boys entered the original villa and now the communal horn in the Love Island air is palpable.

Here’s what you probably missed last night while you were distracted by trying to figure out what we ever did to deserve Camilla Thurlow.

1. Montana blinks unevenly

I noticed this from day one, but didn’t feel it was worth mentioning. The fact is, we’re now 22 days into this series and I’m running low on content. Anyway, I’ve taken roughly 2.4 million screengrabs of every contestant at this stage and one thing that keeps snagging my attention is Montana’s blinking process. Firstly, she blinks an awful lot when she speaks, but then just a regular amount when she isn’t speaking. This is a common occurrence and not something I’m particularly arsed delving into the science behind.

As evidenced above, the blink itself is quite uneven. Montana will droop her right eyelid before her left, which similar to every episode of Love Island, will make no difference to your life whatsoever, but it’s just nice to know what’s going on. Try it yourself! Pause the telly every time Montana’s talking to the camera and see how many times you can catch her looking like that three-eyed fish on The Simpsons whose eyes blinked one by one. I believe his name was Blinky, which is actually a massive LOL in itself.

2. 22 days into it, they’re still reminding us of the contestants’ names as if we haven’t already made 6,000 memes about them

God bless Love Island and all who inhabit it. As is common practice with any reality television show, the contestants’ names usually appear on screen so the viewer can easily identify them for trolling purposes online. However, Love Island is now a worldwide phenomenon, with people more likely to be able to identify Camilla Thurlow than the leader of the free world, Tom Cruise. We no longer necessitate their names popping up each time they speak. I know these contestants better than I know every single member of my family.

I’d like to take this opportunity to assure the producers that it’s no longer necessary and they should now turn their efforts to protecting sweet angel Camilla at all costs. As we’ve learned, she is simply too precious for this earth and I would like some sort of procedure to be put into place so that when she leaves the island, no harm may ever come to her. Perhaps enlisting Liam Neeson’s character from Taken to be her official protector forevermore would be a step in the right direction. The world needs to step the fuck up before she can re-enter it. Be the change you want Camilla to see in the world.

3. It is 2017 and all boys look the same now

Sincerely, best of luck to anyone trying to convince me that the above image isn’t the same person copied and pasted six times because I simply will never subscribe to such horseshittery. It would appear that Love Island has put a call out for six bodies with perhaps some sliver of hair diversity between them. On paper, these will all be Amber’s type because on paper they are all the exact fucking same. When the contestants say they’re looking for a good personality as well as looks, they’re in luck, because personality is likely to be the only thing to separate these gentlemen.

You might have noticed that there’s been a new range of Ken Dolls brought out, with varying degrees of insufferable hipster, athletic, part-time rapper and such like available to purchase. I urge you to check them out, then return to the image above and do your absolute best trying to convince anyone that this isn’t a very elaborate practical joke being played on the islanders. One man, six clones, one island. It’s also likely that the girls will somehow end up fighting for the same one, the one with the most insatiable appetite for banter, unbeknownst that they are all the same, but with different serial numbers.

4. It is still 2017 and all girls look the same now too

If anyone can successfully put forward an argument that those are five different girls in the screenshot above, I am more than willing to accuse you of witchcraft and request that you are treated as a dangerous criminal from now on. I’m willing to cave a small bit. With the exception of the girl that has brown hair, we as a nation need to acknowledge that the four blonde ladies are the exact same people. I do not need to stay tuned for their burgeoning personalities to shine, I already know them inside and out and it consists of fake tan, hair extensions, fake eyelashes and a fondness for crisps and Ed Sheeran, preferably at the same time.

Would it kill the producers to bring a normal girl on the show? These superhuman specimens are giving viewers unrealistic expectations of the inhabitants of villas. When I was 5, my family and I stayed in a villa in France. The woman who owned the house was small, had grey hair, saggy boobs and a glass eye. That is fucking living, my friends. I don’t want to turn against Love Island, I have praised the life out of it for several weeks now, but I want to see an accurate representation of myself in there: an ugly loser who should exist solely on the internet and never put on a bikini.

5. Craig’s been on the island for two minutes and he’s already fucking roasted

Craig hasn’t even reached the villa yet and he already looks like a fucking traffic light. This poor fucker’s onscreen appearances by this point totals one. One appearance. He has walked up the driveway with the rest of the boys AND HE’S WEARING A SHIRT THE ENTIRE FUCKING TIME. One can only assume that he’s been in the region for a day or two getting prepped to go into the house, possibly fancied starting a bit of a base coat to kickstart his tanning, so decided that wearing suncream would be an incredibly pussyish thing to do.

He describes himself as “a bad boy” and truly, we must all concur that there is nothing badder than trying to defy the sun. Craig needn’t take precautions against the sun, he will simply resort to fine old fashioned fisticuffs to protect his body from the harmful rays. Craig says that when it comes to girls, he’s “a proper softie”. But it’s important to clarify that when it comes to the sun, he is merely human and prone to burning, then peeling, then returning to being pasty but now with added freckles, just like the rest of us.

6. ‘Dusting’ isn’t the action of removing dirt from something anymore

When the boys reached their new villa, it didn’t take them long to notice the bizarre sex swing in the back garden. I say sex swing, but honestly I firmly believe that most viewers were eyeing it up for reading a good book in the evening sun. Either way, Kem’s immediate reaction was that the bed would 100% be used for “dusting”. To me, in my naivety, I immediately pondered how much dust could accumulate on a swinging bed over the course of a few days, and furthermore how one could be so excited at the prospect of that.

Luckily, it wasn’t long before Dom and Kem began to demonstrate, in an extremely #NoHomo kind of way, how they would carry out their dusting side by side on the swinging bed. Is it worth trying to work out the connection between the act of coitus with removing dust from an object? For the sake of all of our sanity combined, I believe not. All we need ponder from this moment onwards is whether ‘dusting’ is a widely used term for intercourse, or whether Kem invented it on the spot, thereby making him this generation’s Shakespeare.

All images via ITV


Love Island