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15th August 2017
10:57pm BST
Life is hard, it comes at you fast and throws curveballs at every opportunity. The most important thing is that you try your hardest at everything you do. Whether it's a new job or hobby you're looking to take up, you're not going to get much out of it unless you give 100%. If you apply anything less than your utmost, you must carry the burden of knowing that Phillip Schofield is fucking livid with you. He wants you to do well, he wants everything to work out. He wants you to win £250,000. If Phillip sees you moping out of that cube with anything less than all 9 lives intact, he's not going to be mad, just deeply disappointed with you. So take this threat with you going forward and just do your fucking best because nobody should ever make King Phillip Schofield feel anything other than positively chirpy.
2. Your family and friends are fucking useless during a time of crisis
If The Cube has taught us nothing else, it's shown that bringing three of your nearest and dearest anywhere with you is a majestic waste of everyone's time. They'll sit in the audience with a heavy spotlight cast upon them looking concerned at regular intervals, but they're of no value to anyone. Phillip casually asks for their advice throughout the show, which usually amounts to "Just take it slow Denise yeah? You're rushing it now and getting flustered". Terrific advice, sister-in-law. I will be sure to slowly try to beat this fucking unbeatable cube whilst the pressure of Phillip Schofield rests heavily upon my shoulders. Burying your head into your hands every time I lose a life is really helping. Moral of the story here is that nobody can ever help you but yourself. Become a recluse, live in the woods, unlock your inner hermit because people are garbage.
3. Sometimes the most important person gets none of the glory
This is like the grown up version of doing group projects at uni, where one dickhead always puts in more work than the others, but everyone emerges with the same grade in the end. On The Cube, there's a person that shows an example of how each task is supposed to go down, but they're always in a shiny helmet. Why can't this superhuman get the recognition he/she deserves? Who is this person? Is it a member of Daft Punk, and if so, which one? Some people are perfectly happy to carry out trojan work behind the scenes for the bigger picture to excel, but it's high time we give them a shout out. I dedicate this mediocre display of writing to anyone that's ever missed out on the adoration and praise we all so desperately crave. Your time will come, champ.
4. Sometimes your shitty body just won't do what you want it to
Whether you're trying to lift one singular weight at the gym or do that cool spinny thing other people can do with a pen, sometimes your body sticks its heels in and says "No, absolutely not". It's a fair stance, given the horrendous things we put our bodies through on a regular basis (heavy drinking, social smoking, CrossFit), but when there's £250k at stake, it's hard not to get angry at your below par body. Thank you for housing me, body, but could you now please balance this ball from one end of the beam to the other so that we can buy ourselves some new clothes and maybe a holiday, you sack of shit. Cheers mate.
5. Never take a risk on anything because you'll probably fail and look stupid in the process
Far too many times we've witnessed contestants on The Cube deciding to risk it for a larger quantity of that sweet sweet cash. They'll burn through lives quicker than a child with their first Playstation game and ultimately end up resting everything on one menial task. Tensions are running high, Phillip Schofield is dishing out salty 'I told you so' statements like they're going out of fashion, and the contestant is blinded by their thirst for money. In a classic turn of events, they lose everything, proving that you should literally never take a risk on anything in life. Play it safe, limit your potential for upset and shelter yourself from all potential harm. You'll be bored as fuck, but it's better than being disappointed and looking dumb :)
6. Become a celebrity because you'll automatically be better at most things
Case in point: Sir Mo Farah. Although he is a runner first and a celebrity second, the guy annihilated The Cube and that can only be attributed to his celebrity status. Sure, he's a professional athlete and potentially the most physically fit man in the world, but it was his fame and adoration that spurred on the courage to secure such a momentous win. This proves that a regular run of the mill loser such as myself would stand no chance against The Cube. I must first enter Love Island to achieve notoriety, then fuel my physical ability upon that and that alone. I shall win the £250k, then begrudgingly give it to charity because those are the rules when you're famous. Still, I'll probably get into some nightclubs for free so it's not all bad news.
7. Life would be insufferable if we all had 9 lives
As the game of The Cube progresses, the players inevitably lose some of their 9 lives (unless they're Mo Farah). With each loss of life, the contestant becomes increasingly disheartened with their efforts. The weight of the nation's expectations rest heavily on the person who has voluntarily put themselves in a position to be ridiculed and judged. By the time they've reached their final life, living isn't fun anymore. This is their last shot, the pressure is immense. Your 9th life carries the failures of the past along with the unfulfilled potential you've accumulated. Living isn't fun anymore. Fuck, this got very deep. My point is that we should all live every day like it's our last or something bullshitty like that.
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