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27th Jun 2019

Ranking the Gavin & Stacey rehearsal attendees from least to most excited about the reunion

Ciara Knight

Oh my Christ

There is going to be a Gavin & Stacey special airing this Christmas. That is a fact. That is what we know.

Continuing to sufficiently whet the nation’s appetites, James Corden tweeted a rehearsal photograph yesterday, proving beyond reasonable doubt that the reunion is real and it’s definitely happening. No take-backsies.

Having tried and failed at reading the scripts on the table several times, I gave up on trying to spoil the Gavin & Stacey 2019 Christmas special for myself and those around me.

Instead, the most logical step to keep our minds ticking over for another six months is to work who’s the most jazzed about the reunion, which can then lead to well-informed speculation about some potential storylines.

It’s a foolproof method and it’s going to work. Trust me.

7. Jason

This is a concerned man. This is a man that’s about to have his secrets laid bare for all the world to see. The truth about the fishing trip is coming. Jason’s life is over. Bryn isn’t even at the table reading to share his torment. Bad things are going to happen in Barry this Christmas. Jason will return home to learn that the whole family are going glamping for New Year’s Eve. Due to random selection, he’s going to be sharing a tent with Bryn. It’s going to be very cold and things are going to descend into murky waters, figuratively speaking. Neither will be able to avoid the speculation this time because Dave Coaches will have installed a night vision camera in the tent. Now there is concrete evidence of the unspeakable event. They’re done. It’s over.

6. Stacey

Stacey’s mad as hell. This reunion is going to expose her in some way. Given that it’s nine years after we’ve caught up with the gang, a lot’s going to have changed. Stacey will be a mum now, cooking up omelettes for her own tribe, possibly even branching out into frittatas after a recent Italian weekend break. But what’s troubling Stacey? Does the Christmas dinner end in a row between her and Pam? Does Bryn get her the wrong present? Is the attention focused more on the kids than Stacey, causing her to kick off? Will she finally call out Nessa for being a cheapskate after she gifts everyone one singular Celebration sweet for the ninth year in a row? No. It’s something else. Stacey’s mad because she’s going to wake up to a gigantic pimple on Christmas morning and be forced to wear sunglasses indoors again because that’s the most logical way to distract from a blemish when you’re Stacey of Gavin & Stacey fame.

5. Gavin

Gavin’s doing well to keep his cool, but he’s a bit angry. This Christmas is going to be tough. Gavin simply wants to sing ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’ down the phone to Smithy, bombing along the road to Barry in his Citroen Saxo. But now he’s a Dad. He’s got responsibilities. He’s got priorities other than ensuring that he doesn’t run out of hair gel and keeping his Fred Perry top button closed at all times. Christmas sees Gav running around buying presents when he should be trying out a different beer of the week and confiding in his dad about secret job interviews. Instead, he’ll be installing an Xbox and assembling a Wendy house. Stacey won’t even kiss him anymore. He’s less LADS LADS LADS and more DADS DADS DADS now and it kills him. So he’s going to get caught messaging a 21-year-old on Instagram.

4. Pam

Pam’s excited about the reunion. She’s been going to choir practice and exercising her vocal cords in preparation for the annual singsong around Mick’s keyboard. Not that it’s a competition, but Pam is confident that she can sing higher notes than both Gwen and Bryn combined. Pam’s still grateful that the whole vegetarian facade is behind her, but it’ll still be brought up at this year’s Christmas dinner, just like every year. Since the last episode, she’s fallen out with Dawn and Pete. They misjudged a boozy night at the Shipmans and invited her and Mick to consummate their friendship, leading to an explosive row and punch-up between Pete and Mick. Mick still orders Pete’s turkey every year out of courtesy, but that’s the only meat both families will exchange from now on.

3. Mick

Mick’s confused, but evidently happy to be there. This Christmas is the one he’s going to finally get some respect out of Pam, and a little appreciation for all that he does for their family. Just kidding, he’ll be running around doing nonsense errands and smoothing things over with people Pam has wronged in the past. Mick’s expression suggests that he’s going to be on telly again, this time as a contestant on the Christmas edition of The Chase. He’ll charm the nation, sparking a viral hashtag called ‘#DaddyChase’ and instantly become a minor celebrity around Billericay. Youths will swoon, elderly ladies will flirt even the wildlife population Essex will be attracted to Mick’s charm. Then he’ll tweet something dumb about Brexit and instantly be cancelled into obscurity in the Gavin & Stacey fantasy land.

2. Gwen

We can’t see her face, but Gwen’s posture tells us everything we need to know. She’s on the edge of her seat. Gwen is going to have a holly jolly Gavin & Stacey Christmas this year because the gang are heading to Barry. It’s her turn to put on a spread, which will consist of prawn cocktail omelettes to start, turkey and ham omelettes for the main course and sherry trifle omelettes for dessert, all served with an additional portion of omelette on the side to make sure nobody goes hungry. They’ll pack all members of the Shipman and West clans into Gwen’s tiny dining come living room and gorge themselves on protein-based goodness until the wee hours. Gwen’s been training her whole life in anticipation of this moment. Not one to forget the loved ones of days gone by, Gwen will lead the tribute to Doris with a mint Baileys, encouraging everyone to get absolutely twatted in her honour. This is Gwen’s Christmas and long may it last.

1. Nessa

Merry Christmas to Nessa Jenkins and Nessa Jenkins only. She knows something and is doing well to keep it a secret. She’s got her back shaved in preparation for what’s sure to be an eventful holiday season. That smirk tells me that Nessa has had another baby in the interim period between now and the last time we saw her. But here’s the twist, it’s not Smithy’s. It’s not Dave Coaches’. It’s not John Prescott’s. It’s Owain Hughes’. And before you ask, he doesn’t. You see, a happily ever after ending with Smithy didn’t sit right with Nessa. She’s not the soppy kind. She craves instability, mayhem and adventure. Nessa is the lead architect of her own demise and it’s all going to come to a head this Christmas. Also Neil (the baby) is 35 now and a flat earth truther.

Not Pictured:

Bryn is excited about the reunion because he’s been working his way through a new Sex and the City DVD boxset of late and can’t wait to talk about.

Smithy isn’t excited because the traditional Christmas Eve Indian takeaway ordering process has got him filled with anxiety already.

Dave Coaches isn’t actually pretty nonplussed about the whole thing.

Images via Twitter