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14th May 2019

Predicting the winner of Eurovision 2019 based solely on their promo photographs

Why bother watching it when we can just crown the winner right now?

Ciara Knight

Tel Aviv? But I hardly know her

Not sure if you’ve heard, but Eurovision 2019 kicks off tonight, with the final taking place on Saturday night.

It’s sure to be the usual Eurovisiony spectacle, full of music, culture, excitement and more key changes than a locksmith’s after divorce became legal in this country.

But why wait for the semi-finals, finals and results to filter through so that we can figure out our eventual winner when we can crown them right here, right now?

Simply, we must use the mandatory Eurovision 2019 promotional photographs to pinpoint our victor. It is the only way.

41. Hungary – Joci Pápai

“What’s up guys? Welcome back to my channel”. Unfortunately Joci won’t be winning Eurovision 2019 because he will fail to turn up on the night as his YouTube commitments take over. He’s got a hugely successful channel with over 13 subscribers as of this morning. Joci vlogs his everyday life which includes going to the gym, hanging with “the boys”, deliberately going to bars and clubs that his ex frequents and trying to get his startup off the ground. His startup is an online company that will put rhinestones in your leather jacket and have it back to you within the next day, or thereabouts. Use the discount code ‘RHINESTONELEGEND69’ to get 10% off this Eurovision weekend.

40. Czech Republic – Lake Malawi

These boys will also miss the song contest this year as they’ve landed themselves with after-school detention until further notice. The guy in the middle threw the guy on the right’s shoes on the roof of the bike shed and the janitor couldn’t find his ladder to retrieve them. So the guy on the left climbed a tree and jumped across to the shed roof, disrupting an entire classroom overlooking the yard in the process. Chaos ensued, the shoes were unfortunately returned and everyone’s parents were called. Now these enemies will turn into friends and perhaps lovers as they’re forced to spend every evening together for the next undetermined amount of time. “Gutted we’re missing Eurovision now’, they said.

39. Finland – Darude feat. Sebastian Rejman

These two guys are going to give you the most fire haircut you’ve ever borne witness to. The guy on the right will shampoo your skull, throwing in an unrequested massage with sensual oil that you didn’t ask for, grunting intermittently as he lodges part of your DNA underneath his fingernails in the process. Then the dude on the left will take over, sunglasses remaining on the entire time, carefully trimming your locks and tidying up your facial hair as he goes. The guy on the right will return to sweep the floor and offer you a beer because tea and coffee are for weirdos. When your new do is finally revealed, you’ll yelp as it becomes clear that you’ve been stitched up. They’ve shaved a dollar sign into your scalp and a smiley face. You idiot. You got got.

38. Georgia – Oto Nemsadze

Oto won’t win Eurovision because he’s too busy asking if you can cover his shift next week. He’s going through a lot at the moment, his pet hamster is still missing and his favourite brand of sparkling water has just been discontinued. Oto really needs you to swap shifts and promises this is the last time he’ll ask. Last week he turned up for work with a giant bandage around his arm, which has now revealed itself to have been covering up a tattoo tribute to Chips the missing hamster. You might catch him tearing up in work sometimes, but that’s only because his lunch (a smoothie) tastes a bit funny, almost like hamster. Probably unrelated though. Probably.

37. Norway – KEiiNO

This is not a Eurovision promo photograph, it’s the teaser for a sassy new sitcom where one woman must choose between the good guy or the bad guy. The twist is, they’re both very bad… at choosing outfits. That’s the catch, she’s always been attracted to guys with a bizarre dress sense, guys that stitch electrical fuses onto their jackets, or wear drain plugs as necklaces. But now, she has to make a choice. Does she go for the guy with a reasonably bad wardrobe, or the guy with a horrendously bad wardrobe? Each of the two bring different qualities to the table, but only one will purposely clash with her outfit at the upcoming state gala, sabotaging her chances of winning Best Dressed. Stay tuned to find out.

36. Poland – Tulia

This colourful bunch won’t win Eurovision 2019 because they’ll be too busy being a bunch of school bullies who make fun of students that wear their bag straps over both shoulders as opposed to just one. Everybody knows that one strap is cool as hell, but two is nerdy and eager. They’ll start by calling them ‘Two-strap losers’, then the name-calling will turn physical, with some gentle nudges in the corridor here and there. It’s all going to come to a head when some genius manufactures a three-strap bag and the girls fight over the correct protocol for this particular bag. Is it cool or uncool? They’ll be split down the middle, forming two smaller groups. Then, they’ll fight to the death all in the name of schoolbag etiquette. Classic.

35. The Netherlands – Duncan Laurence

Unfortunately Duncan won’t make it to the competition on time because he’s stuck down a well. His phone ran out of battery several hours ago, not that it made any difference because the impressive structural integrity of the well blocked out all mobile phone reception. So he’s patiently waiting to be rescued, taking moody photographs of himself intermittently (that’s how the phone battery died) and humming a catchy tune to keep his mind occupied. Duncan may never leave the well, but at least he’s learned a valuable lesson about the importance of always carrying a whistle with you wherever you go. (He could use that whistle to compose next year’s winning Eurovision song, should he escape the well in time to compete).

34. Armenia – Srbuk

This isn’t a Eurovision promo photograph, it’s the poster for a new psychological thriller movie about a woman with four hands. She overcomes adversity to be crowned the best juggler the world has ever seen, only to have the title stripped by the emergence of another extra-limbed juggler, but this girl has six hands and is technically a spider. Srbuk goes under the knife to get four more arms added, but complications arise during surgery. They have to amputate all but one arm, leaving her juggling career in tatters, or so it seems. Can Srbuk reclaim the Best Juggler In The World title before it’s too late? Can she use her feet to juggle? How many hands are too many hands? Find out this summer when 2 Many Arms 2 Count comes to Netflix.

33. Belgium – Eliot

This guy can’t win Eurovision because he’s very clearly the latest bad boy to join the Hollyoaks cast. The folks in whatever fictional town Hollyoaks is set in are initially fooled by Eliot’s charm and immovable quiff, but things quickly turn sour as his true colours emerge. Eliot has a debilitating Cheestrings addiction, wolfing down on average 35 of the cheesy delights each day. He struggles to fund this dairy-laden lifestyle and has to resort to crime. Robberies, drug dealing, selling counterfeit copies of Shrek 2 on DVD, there’s nothing Eliot won’t do to get his Cheestrings fix. With the right guidance from his social worker, can Eliot turn things around and get himself weaned off the snack? You’ll have to tune in to find out, silly.

32. Iceland – Hatari

Your Mum’s book club filled in the wrong form online to secure an advanced copy of To Kill A Mockingbird 2: This Time It’s Personal, and have somehow ended up entering Eurovision 2019. They’ve put together the act pictured above after a very last-minute rummage through your Mum’s attic. All credit to the gang, they’ve made hay while the sun shines, getting in touch with their sultry sides and trying out something new. You Mum was supposed to be their fourth member, but she pulled out last minute due to prior commitments. Still, these guys aren’t angry, so close-knit is the book club community. Unfortunately the aforementioned book is going to come into stock on the same day as the Eurovision final, so a tough decision will have to be made.

31. Montenegro – D mol

The latest advert for Primark has gotten mixed up with the Eurovison entries’ promo photographs, but let’s roll with it anyway. What songs do each of these guys prefer to sing at karaoke? Starting from left to right: Kings of Leon – ‘Sex on Fire’, Mariah Carey – ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’, Alesha Dixon – ‘The Boy Does Nothing’, Bon Jovi – ‘It’s My Life’, JoJo – ‘Leave (Get Out)’ and Iglu & Hartly – ‘In This City’. Although this group of affordable leisurewear fanatics are complete strangers, they stand a very reasonable chance at banding together to end climate change, one plastic straw at a time. The guy on the right just has to look at a straw and it instantly turns to dust. The girl beside him is actually 75% turtle, so this battle is very personal for her.

30. San Marino – Serhat

Your old geography teacher has scrubbed up well for the graduation ball and now he wants to talk to you guys ‘like humans’ as opposed to students. He’s got some harsh truths to unleash, such as the importance of never taking life for granted, and always tipping at least 10% in a restaurant no matter how bad the service is. Several beers into the night, he’s singing like a canary, confirming the rumours about Mrs Grantham and that 19-year-old student teacher, as well as the actual meat quantity in the canteen’s beef stroganoff (less than 30%). As he’s being escorted out of the venue, he’ll shout ‘Schooldays are the best days of your lives, that’s why I became a teacher!’ and a very small quantity of urine will visibly trickle down his leg.

29. North Macedonia – Tamara Todevska

Tamara would like to connect with you on LinkedIn and although she is a total stranger, is confident that her professional profile (for which she pays a monthly stipend) will convince you to accept the request. From there, she’s going to snoop on your profile, copying the stronger points to further enhance her personal page, then endorse you for ‘Typing’, ‘Filing’ and ‘Admin – General’, which is when your career is really going to take off. Once potential employers catch wind of your exceptional aptitude for ‘Admin – General’, the offers will come rolling in. You’ll be inundated with job offers, playing them against each other so that you can come away with the highest bid. Strap yourself in, this Eurovision is going to put you on the path to greatness.

28. Greece – Katerine Duska

Katerine can’t win Eurovision because she’ll be too busy putting on a show for her parents in the living room. She’ll start by doing some handmade invitations inviting them to a ‘Spectacular Performance Bonanza’ which takes place at 7am SHARP. Once her disinterested mum and dad arrive, there’ll be a lukewarm water reception and an assortment of dry cereals available. Katerine will start with a quick warmup dance, then segue into some impromptu karaoke, back to the dancing and finish up with a gymnastics display. Start to finish, the whole thing will take 35 minutes and her parents will be closed-mouth yawning the entire time. When she turns 4, they’re enlisting her in stage school because her artistic energy is becoming a real problem around the house.

27. Latvia – Carousel

The offspring of Mumford & Sons can’t win Eurovision because they have to get back to being staff at a hipster cafe. They serve coffee in old flower pots and exclusively eat nettles for sustenance. They refuse to carry milk in the shop and refer to it as ‘the devil’s jizz’. One time, a customer asked for a flat white and they laughed so hard, every one of them suffered a fractured rib in the exact same spot. Activated charcoal is their buzzword of the month, which sees its inclusion in every drink and vegan snack on offer at the moment. The guy on the right accidentally consumed meat last month and made himself vomit on the spot. He used the girl’s hat to collect the vomit, then re-consumed it and hand-washed the hat because nothing can ever go to waste.

26. Denmark – Leonora

That girl from school who always wore Heelys is back and she’s all grown up now. Her Heelys were burned in a religious ceremony in her back garden the summer after you all graduated from school. Now, Leonora is going to find you best damn table in this whole entire Nando’s, just as soon as you let her know if you’ve eaten here before. Essentially, you’re going to be doing all the work aside from bringing the food to your table. Also, you seem to have asked for a glass of water but your eyes tell a different story. You’re going to fill that glass up with Sprite, aren’t you? Honestly, don’t even bother. Security has been alerted and Leonora’s supervisor has been watching you from the moment you set foot in the door. Just leave. You’re scum.

25. Croatia – Roko

Rocko from Rocko’s Modern Life has finally turned his efforts towards the music industry. Upon the suggestion of his label, he’s dropped the ‘c’ and now Roko is a human boy as opposed to an anthropomorphic wallaby. He’s still fond of a jazzy patterned shirt, but only when the situation dictates. His pet dog Spunky is unfortunately no longer with us, but still raises many questions such as ‘Should a wallaby be allowed to have a dog as a pet?’ and ‘Is Spunky a suitable name to be used on Nickelodeon?’. This Eurovision contest is personal for Roko, he’s going out there in tribute to his beloved pooch, but also to find Rocko’s Modern Wife. We wish him the best of luck in all of his endeavours.

24. Austria – PÆNDA

Your old art teacher has taken on a new career and this time, it’s personal. Not content with teaching a bunch of moronic teens about the correct way to use watercolour paints, she’s living out her lifelong dream of being a fist model. She’s always been drawn to fists, literally, so when she saw an advert in the local paper looking for a fist model, PÆNDA jumped at the chance. Her first shoot was a bit of a disaster, a combination of her fist being too tight, then too loose, then resembling a piece of root ginger. But seven penniless years into the endeavour, PÆNDA just picked up her first fist modelling paycheque for a successful campaign for invisible watches. “This is my time”, she hilariously said when the payment finally reached her account, pointing to the invisible watch with a smirk.

23. Russia – Sergey Lazarev

Sergey is a complete stranger sitting opposite you on the train and he keeps looking at you with his weighted stare. You can’t figure out why, perhaps he knows you, perhaps he’s a model scout and wants to take you all the way to stardom, or maybe he’s simply admiring your presence. No, wait, you’ve just gotten the scent of a particularly potent fart. Someone has farted on the train and Sergey thinks it’s you. He has no evidence to back up this claim, it’s just a hunch. You try to make it seem like you too are horrified by the fart, but really overcook the egg by pulling your jumper over your nose and trying to open a blatantly un-openable window. You fool, Sergey has played you. It was him who farted all along. You idiot. He wanted you to smell it.

22. Romania – Ester Peony

Your cousin’s called over and she wants a favour. After making smalltalk with your parents, she’s cornered you and needs some help. A friend of hers has been arrested for a nonviolent crime and it’s all a huge misunderstanding. He was simply stealing the police car FOR A LAUGH and had no intention of actually keeping it. Anyway, she knows that you’ve got a mate who works in Tesco and they’ve got a security guard, so was wondering if you could get in touch with them and get all the charges dropped? She knows it’s a long shot but she’s a compulsive liar and for some reason is hellbent on trying to impress you, despite you being ten years older and blatantly disinterested in befriending your cousins. There’s a bottle of gin in it for you if you can help (there isn’t).

21. Switzerland – Luca Hänni

This revolutionary magician is about to blow your fragile mind. Remember when he put a small sponge ball in your hand a few seconds ago? Well open your hand, champ. That’s right, your hand is now filled with several small sponge balls, multiplying by the second. The sponge balls keep appearing, there’s thousands of them filling the room. You can clench your fist but it’s no use, the balls will not relent. You’re drowning in a sea of sponge, people are screaming, a small child is laughing for some reason. This is hell, you are going to suffocate. WAIT. Open your eyes, it was all a dream. Magic isn’t real, it was all in your mind. You roll over to go back to sleep. ‘Did you have a bad dream?’ a voice says. You look around, it’s Luca. He’s at the foot of your bed. Surprise.

20. Serbia – Nevena Božović

You know how old photographs look? With emotionless expressions, awkward posing, cold, dead eyes and plain clothing? Well, this is what old photographs are going to look like in 100 years time. People with fidget spinners, vibrator necklaces, Heelys, contactless credit card payments. We’re living in the golden age but too privileged to realise it right now. One day we too will be old. No one can live forever, not even Elton John. Nevena is a time traveler, sent to us from the year 3000, she said not much has changed but they live underwater. Also your great, great, great granddaughter is pretty fine, so at least that’s some comfort to take from things. Otherwise, humanity is doomed and climate change is real. Stay woke.

19. Ireland – Sarah McTernan

This isn’t a Eurovision promo photograph, it’s an ad for the latest range of mascara available in Boots. This isn’t just any mascara, it has the power to turn your life right around. Remember that parking fine you forgot to pay? Cancelled. That jumper you can’t get a stain out of? Fixed. Those nice biscuits the supermarket doesn’t sell anymore? Returned. If you buy this mascara and apply it liberally, everything is going to fall into place. You’ll get an instant promotion at work, find true love, force your parents to admit that they prefer you to your sister, even learn how to ride a bike. Some side effects of the mascara include eyelash loss, partial or total blindness, itchy or flaky scalp and constantly being mistaken for a model/DJ/socialite. Tread carefully.

18. Slovenia – Zala Kralj & Gašper Šantl

Your new neighbours have just called over and they’ve baked some suspiciously-perfect scones, aesthetically glazed and risen in all the right places. You can see the original packet has been discarded in your front garden, but think it best not to throw any accusations about. Everyone makes small talk about nothing in particular, then you notice that Zala and Gašper haven’t blinked the entire time, nor have they unfixed their gaze from the treehouse beside the house. Come to think of it, you hadn’t noticed any neighbouring houses around. You get a weird vibe and thank them for their gift. When you return into the house, you stuff the scones straight into the bin, then check through the front windows to ensure they’ve left the premises. When you go back into the kitchen, the scones are resting in a perfect circle on the countertop. The front door slams shut. Run.

17. Albania – Jonida Maliqi

The new no-nonsense receptionist at your dentist’s is staring at you while you pretend to read a magazine in the waiting room. It’s upside down, so you fix it as subtly as possible, hoping nobody has noticed, but Jonida definitely has. Her stare is judgemental, she knows you haven’t been flossing and she’s going to tell the dentist before you go in. She’s reading your files right now, horrified at how many times you’ve had to get sealants done. While your teeth continue to decay, so does her unfounded disdain for your physical presence. You could drop dead right now and she wouldn’t even blink. You are a mere blip on her radar. Another patient comes in and she smiles, interacting warmly. This is personal. Jonida hates you and your shitty teeth.

16. Israel – Kobi Marimi

Your favourite bar has a new barman and he is here to serve drinks but also looks. His brooding appearance was an essential requirement during the hiring process. He’s got a fixation on coasters and can’t rest until there’s one placed under every drink in the bar. Kobi will make you an espresso martini, but he won’t be happy about it due to its notoriously lengthy preparation process. He’ll stare from across the bar as you take a sip, willing you to like it. If you do anything other than smile, you’ll be ignored for the rest of the night. When you’re leaving, Kobi will shout ‘THANKS GUYS’ after you, embarrassing you into thanking him back. ‘APPRECIATE THE TIP’, he’ll add, fully aware that you haven’t left a tip on the table you absolute cheapskate.

15. Malta – Michela

Michela has just learned how you die and she’s troubled by it. Unfortunately she can’t disclose this information as she’ll be turned into a pile of rubble, so it will continue to remain a mystery to both you and I. Still, it’s not that bad. We all have to go somehow. Stop looking at her eyes, she’s not that sad. Everything will be fine. Maybe cancel your skiing trip next year, or don’t, just see how you feel on the day. Probably avoid the A1 on your drive home as well, just in case that’s the problem. Look, we could sit here and guess all day but it’s not going to change the inevitable. You’ve had a good life, made some decent friends. Just try to enjoy it as best you can for the next few weeks, yeah?

14. United Kingdom – Michael Rice

Ricey can’t win Eurovision because he’s too busy being that guy at school who used to make fart sounds at the back of the classroom during English lessons. The teacher never told him off because he was a close friend of Ricey’s Dad, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t furious. Ricey would pretend to fart at the perfect moment, proving his astute sense of comic timing. Once, a girl was asked to read the opening chapter of The Wind That Shakes The Barley aloud and just as she was announcing the title, Ricey let one rip. Everyone erupted, even the teacher. The girl was mortified, she had to change schools, not sure what happened to her after that. Still, she’s sure to be knocking about somewhere, trumping here and trumping there. Nice one, Ricey lad.

13. Moldova – Anna Odobescu

Anna might look familiar to you, and that’s because she is. She was in that movie, remember the one? Where the girl goes missing and then they eventually find her but not in the way that you’d think? That guy was in it, the one with the sad look in his eyes? His real life wife was in that limited series, the one that got awards season hype but failed to follow through? You do, you know what I’m talking about. It’s on the tip of my tongue. It had that banger of an intro song, really punchy chorus? Ah you do, you know it. Take out Shazam and I’ll try to hum it. Fuck, it’s not working. Agh. THINK! Shit. Not to worry, it’ll come to me eventually. Just give me a second. Stop shouting.

12. France – Bilal Hassani

Bilal saw you arriving in late for work and won’t hesitate to report it to your line manager. Sure, it’s not your fault. The alarm clock went off and you thought you snoozed it but in fact disabled it altogether. Then your car was slow to start, plus you needed petrol on the way and that particular petrol station actually does very decent coffee and croissants so you couldn’t just ignore them. Parking was a nightmare, as was the dash from your space to the office in the pouring rain, which you diverted to pick up a second coffee along the way because you’re only human. But no, go off, Bilal. Tell the manager. Tell the media. Tell the world. Who cares? You’ll be late one day too, Bilal. And everyone will see. We’re watching.

11. Lithuania – Jurij Veklenko

Your barber isn’t mad to see what you’ve done to your precious locks with a razor, just disappointed. He specifically told you that if you wanted to engage in some DIY hair grooming, ask him to show you first. But no, off you’ve gone and butchered your head and along with it, your reputation as someone who usually has quite nice hair. Jurij always knew this was going to happen. He’s been cutting hair long enough to know a rogue customer when he sees one. Now he’s been dumped with the task of trying to salvage your barnet on a busy Saturday afternoon. “I did warn you, haha”, he keeps saying in a jokey but also very serious way. His beard oil is dripping off his face with rage. Don’t you dare waste Jurij’s time again. He has elderly customers to flirt with.

10. Australia – Kate Miller-Heidke

Hey look, it’s your housemate who leaves passive-aggressive notes around the house such as ‘Please can everyone keep the kitchen tidy :)’, ‘Once again, a quick reminder that sliding down the stairs naked on a mattress shouting ‘I AM THE NAKED KING OF THIS FORT’ is forbidden by the management’ and ‘Please stop writing flat earth conspiracy theories on the bathroom mirror when it’s fogged up, thanks guys :)’. The lease is up soon and it’s unlikely you can continue to cohabitate together with such different views of the world. One time she cooked too much pasta and offered you the leftovers, which was a disgusting and malicious act since you’d just lost a game of Super Mario Brothers on the Wii (who are Italian – the home of pasta). What a wagon.

9. Cyprus – Tamta

That AI sex robot that you ordered as a joke has arrived. Looks super lifelike, kind of chillingly so. According to the box, Tamta can talk and walk like a regular human, she even pays taxes. Her blinking is staggered so that it’s in perfect rhythm with regular humans. Haha, what a fun joke to pay £5,000 for one of these dolls, wait until the group chat catches wind of it. She’ll be great fun at parties, opening beer bottles with her eyelids and blurting out the nastiest rounds in Never Have I Ever. Such a good prank you’ve played on yourself. Well, better put her back in the box until the guys call around. You’ve no intention of actually using the robot, you’re not a freak. She might get lonely in the cupboard though. Best keep her in the bedroom for warmth to prolong the battery life, just in case.

8. Sweden – John Lundvik

This ASOS model wants you to buy another plain jumper despite already have 17 of them in your wardrobe. This one’s different though, you can tell by looking at it. The fabric seems softer to the touch, possibly even wrinkle-resistant. You won’t even have to iron this one, probably goes through several wears without needing a wash too. Heck, maybe you should buy two so that they can be worn in rotation? No harm in throwing in a couple of pairs of jeans to go with it, some shoes wouldn’t go amiss either. Heck, summer’s on the way, what harm in a few lightweight t-shirts as well? Heck, you can always return them. Excellent, time to head to the checkout. Perfect, you’ve amassed £150 worth of clothes you don’t need. Purchase. CVV number. Confirm.

7. Belarus – ZENA

Getting your passport photograph taken? Excellent, simply peruse this guide photograph for the relevant dos and don’ts of the process. You must make sure that your face is clearly visible with both eyes open and uninhabited by glasses. You must have precisely two thirds of your right ear visible for identification purposes, along with a small portion of your neck. Ideally, your hair will fall just to your shoulder (male and female) and a smile is crucial to for the photograph. Should you fail to adhere to these stipulations, you could be refused entry to a host of regions including your home country. It’s £8 per photograph and non-refundable. Ready? Smile. 3…2….1…

6. Azerbaijan – Chingiz

What’s that over there? A razor? No thanks. Body hair is IN and societal expectations of male and female grooming practices are OUT. Chingiz wants you to be yourself, warts, hairs and all. He’s looking for any fucks to give about the patriarchy, but can’t seem to find any. In his TED Talk, Chingiz will tell the heartwarming tale of one time when he was forced to wear a t-shirt to school underneath his blazer. The headmaster sent him home to locate the shirt, but Chingiz never returned. In total, he has done one entire day of school in his life and even that was a bit too much for him to handle. ‘You can’t just go around topless all the time’, the principal said. But who’s laughing now? Still Chingiz, who is also still topless under his blazer to this very day.

5. Italy – Mahmood

Mahmood welcomes you to this very high end clothing store that he knows you can’t afford to purchase anything in. He locked eyes with the security guard as you walked in, alerting him in an unspoken manner to the likely threat that faces them. You’ll wander around, certain you’re convincing that staff that you deserve to be in there, and what’s more, could afford to purchase anything on sale should the mood strike you. Mahmood stares at you the entire time, following you throughout the shop fixing anything you touch. You’re the only customer they’ve had today, but he still doesn’t want your custom, not that you can afford it. As you leave, you give the security guard a knowing wink. ‘Fooled them’, you think to yourself. You didn’t though.

4. Estonia – Victor Crone

This year’s Big Brother villain can’t win Eurovision 2019 because he’ll be in the BB house causing mischief and mayhem among the other contestants. His cheeky smile might suggest innocence, but Victor has a dark secret he’s been keeping from the rest of the house. It turns out, Victor is actually a Brony and has been for quite some time. Big Brother famously forbids Bronies from entering the house, but a few lies on the application form saw Victor slipping through the cracks. When his seedy little quirk is revealed during the infamous My Little Pony task during week four, Victor will be ejected from the house and forbidden to return. Lucky for him, he’ll get to share a taxi home with the My Little Pony props and be elated the entire way. This man is a menace to society.

3. Germany – S!sters

Blatant P!nk fans, S!sters have a broken computer which means the letter ‘i’ isn’t an option for them right now. Still, ‘S!sters’ looks cool with an exclamation mark anyway, so it’s a win-win situation for the girls. They’re excited to welcome you into their home for a housewarming party. You’re a friend of a friend, but they’re intent on making you feel welcome at all times. If you wouldn’t mind slipping your shoes off at the front door, that would be great. There’s drinks in the fridge and snacks on the table. Grab a seat on the floor and the satanic rituals can begin. Did you remember to bring your vial of pig’s blood and feather from a virgin raven? Oopsy, not to worry, Nicky brought a spare. Come on, get involved, don’t be shy. Let’s shave your eyebrows.

2. Spain – Miki

Miki can’t win Eurovision 2019 because he’s very clearly the student president of a University. He won the spot after a long and arduous campaign which involved promising pizza in the college canteen at lunch, as well as reduced prices for two-finger Kit Kats on the weekends. The entire student campus fell for his wit and charm, only to be bitterly disappointed when during his first week as official student president, Miki revealed that he had no real interest in the job and was merely doing it so that he could put it on LinkedIn to impress his ex. Now that reality has hit him hard, Miki will abdicate the role and return to his life as that student who always has juggling batons for some reason. We wish his the best of luck in his future endeavours.

1. Portugal – Osiris

Congratulations to this year’s Eurovision promo photograph winner – Osiris, a man who has figured out how to smoke a rose like a cigarette. He was the only competitor to use a prop in their photograph and it was a bold risk, but one that has payed off in dividends. Look how cool he is. Imagine being in the smoking area of a pub and seeing Osiris rock up, ask you for a lighter and then proceed to smoke an entire red rose, from stalk to bud. You would give him that lighter and insist that he keep it forever, along with all of your worldly possessions. Eurovision isn’t about music anymore. It’s about spirit, culture, and above all else, banter. And what is more banterous than a man smoking a rose? Absolutely nothing, that’s what. Congratulations Osiris, victory is preemptively yours. Breathe it loud and breathe it proud, fam. Namaste.

Images via Eurovision