Predicting who's going to win I'm A Celeb 2017 based solely on their promo photographs
I'm running out of ideas - get me out of here!
Somehow, I'm A Celeb has been running for 16 series and is now heading into its 17th assault on our television screens.
At long last, we've finally got confirmation of the ten celebrities that will be entering the jungle in five days time.
But who's going to win? How ever could we figure that out without enlisting the help of Mystic Meg (who isn't entering the jungle this year, ffs)?
Simple, we'll use their promotional photographs and nothing more to determine who's the hungriest for victory.
10. Georgia 'Toff' Toffolo
She hasn't even been in the jungle yet and Georgia's already having a sit down. There's no way she's going to win, you can practically smell the tenth place finish off her. Her boots clearly aren't tied tight enough and you'd recognise that rigid smile of an exhausted young lady anywhere. Hard work is most certainly not her middle name. It's Toff. I literally wrote it above.
Based on the angle of her hat, I'd hazard a guess that Georgia has never worn one for practical reasons before. She's going to spend an awful lot of time talking about her friends from Made In Chelsea in the jungle and will probably start a romance with Boris Johnson's Dad for publicity. Maybe they'll defy the critics and happily marry for twelve years, birthing sixteen children and adopting a goat in The Orient. Either way, she won't win.
9. Dennis Wise
Although he's more upright than Georgia, Dennis is still using a suspiciously prop-like tree stump to rest approximately one buttock cheek. This doesn't bode for the former footballer as it shows that he too gets tired quite easily. Sure, he's only half resting, but that also means he's only half active. Is that a winning stance from Dennis? Is it h*ck.
Dennis' smile speaks a thousand words and all of them are 'fuuuuuck'. He's not cut out for the jungle life. This man lives and breathes football, so if you think he's going to make small talk with a bunch of nobodies around a campfire, you can think again. He demands stimulating conversation about the offside rule every twenty minutes. He'll be gone by week two out of sheer restlessness.
8. Jennie McAlpine
Although she's blatantly trying her hardest to look both tough and likeable, you can see the fear in Jennie's eyes as clear as day. The Coronation Street actress is worried. She doesn't want to eat any bugs, nor wake up with some kind of wildlife gnawing at her curls. Jennie is afraid of what is likely to come over the next couple of weeks.
Her stance, although powerful to the naked eye, is uncertain. She's hiding half a leg and doffing her hat to distract us from the truth. Jennie doesn't have the killer instinct that many of her fellow celebrities do. She's left it at home with Tyrone and the kids. That's not a knot in her shirt, it's a protruding knot in her stomach. Please, find it in your heart to pray for Jennie.
7. Jamie Lomas
Again we see a contestant that isn't able to stand on his own two feet and that's going to be his downfall throughout the series. The Hollyoaks bad boy might have a dazzling smile in his promo photograph, but his body language suggests a lack of confidence in his own abilities. Why does his hand need to support his knee like that? Is it one of those disobedient knees? That'll cost him.
Alternatively, maybe the photographer just instructed Jamie to rest his foot on some wood, but such a line of thinking would negate this entire piece of content, so let's brush that out of the way immediately with a joke I've been waiting my whole life to make. Ready? Ok. Here it is: Jamie Lomas isn't as smart as his brother Dip. Thank you.
6. Rebekah Vardy
Although putting your hands on your hips is generally a power stance, Rebekah's hidden right foot suggests that a) her foot has something to hide or b) she's frightened. Her hair and makeup is far too perfect in this image to maintain during a stint in the Australian jungle. She'll be forced to go au natural by day two and who knows how that'll affect her desire to win.
Rebekah's nails are also going to be a problem when she's given bush tucker trials to do that will likely soil them. There's no shame finishing in sixth place, especially when your husband is a Leicester City footballer. (Is this a sick burn? I don't know anything about football).
5. Stanley Johnson
STANLEY PUT YOUR HAT ON FOR GOD'S SAKE IT'S NOT MUCH USE TO YOU SWINGING BY YOUR SIDE, PAL. Look at that smile, that's the smile of a man that has produced a son that looks like a Cabbage Patch Doll. He cannot win having committed such crimes against children's toys. It goes against nature and everything that I'm A Celeb stands for.
Furthermore, Stanley doesn't appear to be much of an outdoorsman based on the above pose. He looks like the middle person in a photograph of a long row of people, who didn't know if he should turn to face left or right so made a last minute decision to go right. Britain doesn't want their King of the jungle to be Stanley Johnson, nor does he himself.
4. Vanessa White
We're used to seeing her on Saturdays, but now we'll get to see her every day until she's voted off I'm A Celeb. Vanessa's promo photo is perfectly fine, but that's exactly where the problem lies. She seems too nice to battle the extremities of the Australian jungle. One bite of a snake and she's toast, regardless of what day it is.
Similar to Rebekah, her nails are too glamorous to produce any real threat to her fellow contestants. Sure, Vanessa might continuously sing uplifting pop songs to them, pushing every single one of them to the point of insanity, but they'll never quit. If this was celebrity GBBO, she'd win the hearts of the nation. But it isn't. This is I'm A Celeb. This is warfare. She is simply too pleasant.
3. Shappi Khorsandi
Mistake number one is touching the leaf of an unknown plant and that could well be Shappi's downfall in the jungle. Every seasoned inhabitant of jungles knows that you shouldn't touch anything unless you're certain you know exactly what it is. Shappi is breaking all five of the Official Jungle Codes in the above image. It's a real concern.
Danger aside, the comedian is going to finish in a very respectable third place, beating off stiff competition to win a tiny non-existent crown. Also, in a win-win situation, hopefully people will learn her name now instead of referring to her as 'that comedian off those panel shows', so every cloud.
2. Amir Khan
Some might mistake the above pose to be that of a winner, but a seasoned body language expert such as myself can read between the lines. Amir is simply too prepared for the jungle. He's a tough nut and it will take very little to crack him, but that won't play well with viewers. Nobody likes a show off.
He'll dive into every bush tucker trial and boast about being "almost too full" after three teaspoons of rice for dinner, but it won't be enough to see him crowned as the winner of this year's I'm A Celeb. Those legs are precisely shoulder width apart, his hands rest confidently on his hips. This man is too smug. The jungle won't break him. Nothing will. Still, second place is a decent achievement (unless you're Amir Khan).
1. Jack Maynard
The YouTuber / Conor Maynard's little brother is going to win this year's I'm A Celebrity and I recommend that you put a large amount of money on him immediately. How do I know this? Because I am not an idiot, that's why. Look at that photograph. It's exceptional. Jack has put both his hands in his pockets because he is extremely at ease with the situation that is about to unfold. He ain't afraid of no poisonous snakes or spiders. He will simply charm them into submission.
Jack has clearly worn quite a few hats in his time as this particular one looks all too comfortable. Even his gilet is playfully tucked behind one arm, such is the serenity in which Jack finds himself at the time of the photo shoot. He'll do his best in the bush tucker trials, he'll be nice to everyone and he will win over the hearts of the nation with his cheeky little dimple. Jack Maynard isn't afraid of the jungle, the jungle is afraid of Jack Maynard. When he wins, I will say "I told you so", because I will have told you so.
All images via ITV