Should’ve called it Come Dance With Me (On Ice), tbh
Not sure if you’ve heard, but Dancing On Ice is back.
Yeah honestly, they’re making another series. Look, I know. But anyway.
Given that the show has already started and one person has gone home, it’s still important that we get this important piece of content done, regardless.
It is a well-known fact that you can predict the winner of a reality TV series based solely on their promotional photographs, mostly because I got it right one time and refuse to let anyone forget about it (thank you Rahul from GBBO).
So, let’s fast-forward this year’s series of DOI and spoil it for everyone.
12. Mark Little
This one doesn’t really count because he’s already been eliminated, but anyway, he was never going to win and you can see it all over his face. The Neighbours star is a joker, the whole competition is but a jape to him. You don’t wear a jazzy tie to a photoshoot unless you intend on being the token comic relief entrant of the competition. The above image wouldn’t look out of place on the back of a children’s entertainer’s truck, complete with the slogan ‘Choose Mark for a good time’ and in very tiny print underneath ‘Competitive rates apply’. DOI was but a jape to Mark, as well it should have been.
11. Saara Alto
With all credit to Saara, this is a good photograph, but it is not, on any known planet inhabited by humans, convincing of her aptitude for ice skating. Saara is a million miles away, dreaming of a simpler time when she had to pretend to both like and respect Simon Cowell so that she could progress further along in her X Factor journey. The above image belongs on a poster for the musical adaptation of Coronation Street, chronicling the time when Janice and Les Battersby first began dating. Saara will play the role of Les, right after he learned that a woman would allow him to actually touch her sometimes.
10. Brian McFadden
This is not a Dancing On Ice promo photograph, this is an unsuccessful comedian’s Twitter profile picture, which sits above his bio that states ‘If you are easily offended, this is not the account for you’, despite all of his tweets being stolen jokes about very mundane and inoffensive things such as pogs and the price of Freddos. Brian is looking to the left, thinking of times gone by, simpler times when he was in a band with a hit song legitimately called ‘When You’re Looking Like That’. Based on this image, Brian won’t be winning DOI this year, but he might get a gig in a tiny dive bar in Surrey if he can produce a tight four minute standup set by tomorrow.
9. Melody Thornton
Her name might sound like an Enid Blyton character who has an affinity for cooking roadkill under the guise of regular meat, but that’s where her aptitude for ice skating ends. Pussycat Doll Melody isn’t serving a winners’ smile here. This is an advert you see along the underground escalators reminding you that invisible braces are well within your personal budget thanks to their new monthly payment structure. If you straighten your gross chompers, you too could wear fluorescent pink earrings and smile wider than you’ve ever done before. Why not pop in for a free, no obligation consultation some time?
8. James Jordan
Hang on a second, they’ve got a professional dancer in the dancing competition that is set on ice? This is a nonsense. It’s like having Michael Phelps in a contest to see who can find the Titanic’s wreckage first. Anyway, let’s get back to the matter at hand, which is roasting his promo photograph. James won’t be winning this year’s Dancing On Ice, despite his blatant upper hand in the competition, mostly because he is very clearly a magician who wants you to attend his brand new show about mind control, which he promises will be worth your time and money. Audience involvement is mandatory and also the tickets are £75 each despite him being relatively unknown in the magic industry as of yet. Book early to avoid disappointment!
7. Richard Blackwood
Richard you are facing the wrong way! Such a blatant lack of ability to follow basic instructions will surely hamper Richard’s efforts in securing the crown (which I’m assuming is made entirely out of ice) in this year’s DOI. This isn’t a promotional photograph showcasing a man’s ice skating abilities, it’s a club DJ’s poster promising that he’ll play the biggest hits of the 90s all night long (until 11pm when the manager makes him play something contemporary and inoffensive for the final three hours of clubbing). He once met Usher at an afterparty and uses that as his Instagram #TBT post every week. Also, he name is DJ Random because he is both a disc jockey and, as the name suggests, vErY rAnDoM!!!
6. Jane Danson
This isn’t a Dancing On Ice promo photo, it’s the teaser poster for a new West End play that involves an evil stepmother manipulating her new husband into emancipating his bratty offspring so that they’re free to go and live with their birth mother. Weeks later, it will transpire that the evil stepmother actually enjoyed making the kids’ lives a total misery, realising that causing suffering in others actually allows her to feel truly alive. She’ll end up murdering her husband and having taxidermy performed on the children so that they are forever immortalised in her possession. Still, Jane should do well in the competition. She seems to be having a fun, albeit suspicious time.
5. Ryan Sidebottom
A cricketer who’s turning his fancy footwork to ice skating? No. This is a celebrity lifeguard who found fame that one time he was filmed rescuing a tiny dog who got into difficulty at the beach and has appeared on every reality television series ever since. He’s promoting his new book ‘When The Waves Wave Back’, a tell-all insight into his many lifeguard-related tales he’s accumulated over the years, as well as four random bible passages for some reason. Ryan isn’t going to win DOI 2019, not with that expression. A smidge of confidence wouldn’t go amiss, nor would a very gentle conditioner and setting spray.
4. Saira Khan
Planning a surprise party? Well this excitable woman will organise it all down to the finest of details. Simply call our freephone number for a no obligation quote to see how you can plan the most spectacular event of the year. With her pHd in POE (Party Organisation Engineering), Pamela Partytime (real name) urges you to call the number below or even reach her via email or WhatsApp. Your loved one will be just as shocked as Pamela is by the prices they’re offering their services at. Saira, you cannot be this surprised by a camera. We need a confident DOI champion and respectfully, chief, this ain’t it.
3. Wes Nelson
That’s not the guy off Love Island, it’s a cheeky nightclub promoter in Santa Ponsa who dares you and your mates to come inside for a round of cheeky 2-for-1 cocktails. He promises not to spike your drinks, not unless you ask him to! He could tell you were British by your accents, but also by your style. He’d like to know how long you’re sticking around for, and if he can crash on your hotel floor for a few nights since his Mrs kicked him out over a small misunderstanding about his permission to cheat on her. Based on this telling image, Wes’ reality television luck will see him doing well in the competition, but he’ll fail to make the final two. Still, no shame in a third place finish.
2. Didi Conn
She’s got the ice skating uniform down, but Didi’s above expression is that of an excitable barmaid who knows your order and takes great pleasure in saying “Hiya love, the usual, is it?” every time you walk through those grubby little stained glass doors. Problem is, you’ve gone off stout and actually prefer lager these days, but Didi doesn’t know that and her delicate heart won’t be able to take it if you correct her. So you indulge the fantasy, allowing her to prepare a stomach-churning glass of stout every time. Still, at least she’s pleasant about it and her jazzy little jacket is fun to look at. Didi can’t win Dancing On Ice, not when she’s holding an entire pub full of patrons to ransom with her misplaced diligence. Just keep a log book, Didi. You can update it then.
1. Gemma Collins
She’s beauty and she’s grace. She’s Miss Dancing On Ice Champion 2019, probably. Queen Gemma Collins is pictured here after finding out that TOWIE residuals will continue to be paid to her until the end of time. Just kidding, she’s preemptively celebrating her DOI win, as is only right. The playful open-mouthed smile, the tilted head, the perfectly-coiffed hairstyle, she’s won the crown before the competition even began. That’s a winner’s pose, also that of someone who has just won £4 on a scratch card and/or found out that her primary school bully has just died of natural causes. Congratulations on your preemptive win, Gemma. Although you’re yet to technically dance on the ice just yet, it’s very honourable that you’re trying.
Images via ITV