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16th Jul 2018

Predicting the new Love Island contestants’ personalities based on their promo photos

Just what we needed, another Josh and another Laura!

Ciara Knight

*Love Island fresh meat claxon*

The content Lords have looked down upon us once more as we’ve been treated to another batch of Love Island contestants that are entering the villa tonight.

As ever, the premise for this piece is simple. I will be speculating these strangers’ personalities and interests based on nothing more than their promo photographs.

Is it a fair system? No. But is it the best way to tackle such an important development in this extremely competitive time for mainstream media? Again, no.

Regardless, let’s see who’s entering our precious villa tonight.


Occupation: Sandwich Triangle Cutter.

Hobbies: Experimenting with different shades of hair extensions, using a baby voice around her family, tucking her t-shirts in at the back to show off her tattoo of a broken infinity symbol with the word ‘strength’ beside it, sending Instagram DMs to members of JLS, describing food as ‘nom noms’ and reading old Bunty magazines despite being outside the 14 years and under demographic.

Interesting Fact: Stephanie’s tongue is actually glued to her teeth to give what she deems to be “an adorable pose” for photographs. She hasn’t spoken or eaten in seven years but says her Instagram has gone from strength to strength with each post getting an average of 37 likes without even using hashtags.

Celebrity Crush: Martin Clunes.


Occupation: Birthday Card Inscription Writer.

Hobbies: Being a very sensitive guy who actually prefers romcoms to action movies, choosing Alanis Morissette songs at karaoke, asking the barista to turn down the music a smidge because he’s doing a Skype meeting, referring to boobs as ‘diddies’, using physical comedy to pretend to steal the chained pens in banks and walking his pet dog which he got with the sole intention for pulling girls.

Interesting Fact: Paul made a promise to a ghost that he would always cover his right nipple in photographs to show respect for the occult. He has been doing so since 2005 and vows to keep it up even when he reaches the dizzying heights of fame and fortune that Love Island will surely bring.

Celebrity Crush: Cherie Blair.


Occupation: Belt Holer (she puts holes in belts).

Hobbies: Wearing silverware, using the pseudonym Ellie Goulding when she’s booking restaurant tables, unnecessarily frequenting A&E in an attempt to be on 24 Hours In A&E, eating cereal at times other than breakfast because she is very quirky, answering her phone with ‘Yello?’ and putting Katie Price’s books in the horror section of the library, looking at photographs of Tommy Cooper before bed to lure her brain into dreaming about the pair of them on a wild adventure together.

Interesting Fact: Laura once ate a peach so quickly, a friend nearby remarked ‘Wow, you really wolfed that one down, fancy another?’, but she declined the offer.

Celebrity Crush: Gene Hackman.


Occupation: Dimple Inspector.

Hobbies: Describing things as ‘tidy’ with no regard for their neatness, arranging his shoes in order of most likely to be worn by Johnny Bravo to least likely to be worn by Johnny Bravo, using a small amount of makeup during the day, asking girls if they ‘rate his banter’ on a night out, chugging cans of Monster aggressively as he enters the gym, not letting anyone forget that he once paid for the whole group to get an Uber into town and wants the favour returned.

Interesting Fact: Josh has a very rare oboe collection in his house, in a special room with a sign above the door that says ‘Oboe you didn’t just try to come in here’. He lives alone.

Celebrity Crush: Rebecca Loos.

Images via ITV


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