Fill the Love Island void with this equally ridiculous show.
ABC is entering its fourteenth season of The Bachelorette, an American reality dating television show where one woman gets to take her pick from 28 men. It’s a spin off of The Bachelor, a show where one man gets to pick from 28 women. Basically, equality has just arrived to the USA.
Well what luck for us civilians but haven’t this upcoming season’s male contestants been revealed! “Who fucking cares?”, I hear you cry and what’s more, I agree.
Let’s typecast these dorks based on their promo photos alone.
Alex
You’ve just walked into a furniture shop based on nothing other than an innate desire to sit down for a few minutes. But Alex isn’t going to let that happen. He’s on commission and will stop at nothing to make a sweet, sweet sale. He’s out for blood and you are merely a pawn in his sadistic game. “Can I help you guys with anything?”, he asks loudly so his manager overhears. “Just browsing”, you reply, then immediately leave because you realise that the jig is up. Classic fucking Alex.
Blake
You went to Uni with Blake, remember? He was on a sports scholarship and sold steroids to the younger guys. Turns out he wasn’t allowed to graduate because he was never actually enrolled in the college. Blake just hung around campus because he was unemployed and had no mates. He was actually 35 at the time, now he’s 40. Blake once pinched a girl’s bum at a disco, then called her a stuck up bitch when she slapped him. What a legend.
Chase
Chase recently lost 30lbs and now feels entirely qualified to ridicule everyone else’s dietary habits. All he did was give up beer and replace it with gin, but that’s a secret he’ll never tell. Chase likens himself to David Gandy and will deny his thinning hair until the day the very last strand falls out. Chase’s idea of a perfect date involves going to his favourite steak restaurant despite the girl mentioning eight times that she’s vegan.
Chris
Chris’ teeny tiny whisper of a fringe tells us all we need to know about him. But let’s also dig deeper. Chris definitely refers to women exclusively as ‘chicks’ and has a small dog that he brings for walks with the sole intention of ‘picking up chicks’. He struggles to grow any legitimate facial hair, so gets implants put in every second month. Unbeknownst to Chris, the transplant hair comes from Armenian men’s pubes.
Christian
“I’m not like other guys, I’m one of the good ones”, Christian tells every single girl he’s ever met. And it’s true. Christian isn’t like other guys. For instance, he is a Never Nude and always smells like cheese. His teeth move independently of his mouth when Christian speaks, which results in a tiny pool of spit around the edges of his mouth at all times. Christian is the first Bachelorette contestant to ever wear a short-sleeved jumper, so at least that’ll make him somewhat memorable for three days.
Christon
Christon is a maths teacher by day and an undertaker by night. His obsession with death could’ve gone one of two ways, and luckily it’s taken the least indicting path. He feels most comfortable among dead bodies, often sneaking into the undertaker building at night to sleep with the cadavers. Christon will try to woo The Bachelorette by taking her on a date to an embalming course where they’ll learn how to preserve human remains with formaldehyde-based chemical solutions. Kinky 😉
Clay
America’s most famous mediocre magician has entered the ring and it’s over for you bitches. Clay can do everything – card tricks, hypnotism, even convince a girl to like him. He’ll have The Bachelorette eating out of the palm of his hand once he dazzles her with his undeniable charm and fascination with the occult. In his spare time, Clay also likes to play chess and alphabetise his extensive Blu-ray collection. Careful, don’t look directly into his eyes or you might fall under his spell.
Colton
Spencer Pratt was a villainous cast member on The Hills from 2007-2010 and found fame due to his relationship with Heidi Montag. The pair married in 2009 and now have a son called Gunner Stone. He’s since been on Celebrity Big Brother and I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here!, so going on The Bachelorette makes perfect sense aside from the fact that he has a wife and a kid. Best of luck, Spencer. Send our best to Heidi and Gunner!
Connor
Connor was arrested shortly after this photograph was taken and will no longer be taking part in the show. Although we haven’t been permitted to access the official police report, it has been widely speculated that his crime was against fashion. Connor has four buttons of his shirt open, which is twice the allowed amount in modern society. Connor has used a floral pocket square to try to distract us from his offences, but it’s not working. He could and should fry for what he’s done.
Darius
Are you looking to buy or sell a home? Darius has the know-how to get you the best deal around. Simply call the freephone number that’s attached to his local supermarket’s noticeboard and you’ll get a quote within minutes. Place your trust in Darius, man of the people. He’s got a proven 100% success rate of calling back every single missed call he’s ever received. Trust Darius for piece of mind and piece of pie. That’s right, with every consultation, Darius gives you a 10% off voucher for an apple pie from Kay’s Bakery.
David
Hey look! It’s that guy you always see on the train to work! He always seems to be in a good mood and once gave up his seat to an elderly lady. She tried to refuse, but he insisted because he’s a decent guy. His headphones always spill music into the carriage, revealing his deepest darkest secret: He’s a huge David Sneddon fan! David could work anywhere, a bank, a hotel, a Post Office. We’ll never know. Anyway, best of luck!
Garrett
Wholesome Captain America is flying the flag for over-achieving virgins everywhere with this eager snap. Garrett still lives with his parents and while some might see that as a failure, others consider it a very savvy move. If he can continue to stay under his folks’ roof for another 35 years, Garrett will have saved up enough money to become a homeowner himself. His Twitch account is going to take off any day now, and who’ll be laughing then? The bullies again, probably.
Grant
Allergic-reaction-suffering Matt Damon’s shirt is too big, but wait until you hear why. You see, Grant was born with a rare defect that means his heart is simply too large. He has too much love to give and every day he spends without a soulmate, he edges one bit closer to death. The Bachelorette would be very foolish to ignore Grant, given his medical condition. His heart is bulging through his chest waiting to love her. Or she could reject him and be responsible for his murder. Her choice, really.
Jake
The school bully has really turned his life around since that time he got expelled for drawing a penis (and balls) on the detention room whiteboard. He’s a different person now. Jake goes to pilates, he drives an electric car, he even donates to UNICEF. The only thing that’s missing from Jake’s new life is a lady, perhaps a Bachelorette, if he’s lucky. But should she reject Jake, you can be sure he’s going to revert back to his school bully ways. He’ll tell everyone she’s a massive virgin with wonky boobs.
Jason
Donald Trump Jr. is the eldest child of the President of the United States. He’s currently a trustee and executive director of a trust that controls the Trump Organization, along with his brother Eric. If that isn’t enough to convince The Bachelorette to pick Jason, maybe it would interest her to hear that he’s also a bit of a bad boy, having met with a Russian lawyer to receive damaging information about Hillary Clinton’s campaign during the election in 2016. Keep an eye on this one!
Jean Blanc
Come and have a sit down, mate, your mum and I want to talk to you about something. You’ve probably noticed that we’ve been arguing quite a bit recently, well that’s because we’re not getting on. It’s not anything that you’ve done, it’s just something that happens to parents sometimes. I’m going to move into Nan’s for a while, just to give your Mum some space. Everything will be fine, we just need you to be brave at the moment. Also, don’t tell your mates at school just yet. They’ll tell their parents and there’ll be a huge fuss over nothing. Thanks champ.
Joe
Look! It’s the guy everyone got on well with in your old job. Pretty decent dude actually, always wrote funny messages on birthday cards and was a good laugh on a night out. Anyway, he’s the Zodiac Killer and now he’s on The Bachelor. He’s not even interested in finding love. Joe’s just looking for victims and he’s going to start with you, the viewer. Unfortunately you’ve drawn the short straw. Don’t try to evade him, it’ll only make things worse. Just get your affairs in order and welcome death with open arms. RIP.
John
John has set up a sophisticated dark web page where he is selling used ladies’ underwear for a hefty profit. The problem is, most of the underwear hasn’t actually been worn by ladies, instead, he’s been getting his buddies over for a few drinks and they’ve been wearing them and getting a cut of the revenue as payment. It’s a seedy business but someone’s got to do it and creeps are willing to pay top dollar for soiled knickers. Anyway, John needs to find a real lady to help out his enterprise. Enter: The Bachelorette.
Jordan
Jordan’s trust fund just came through and now he’s off to Cape Verde with the BOYYYYS. He’ll be having a couple of glasses of champagne on the flight over, being told to simmer down by a flight attendant, then physically restrained after getting quite mouthy with a fellow passenger who politely asked him not to recline his seat. Jordan will eventually get released from airport jail and spend the entire holiday on a yacht drinking cocktails and smoking cigars. He regularly threatens legal action to anyone that dares cross him and he exclusively wears boat shoes without socks.
Kamil
Your sister’s ex-boyfriend is back on the market again and he’ll stop at nothing to find his true love. Kamil drives a Volkswagen Golf and blow dries his hair using a woman’s curler brush. He brings a packed lunch to work every day and goes for runs in the evening. Kamil still stays in touch with your family because he grew quite fond of them, but also he’s playing the long game and hoping that your sister will one day take him back. Who cares, he gets you into the golf club for free!
Leo
Jesus has died and now he is risen. We must respect our King and see to his every wish. Just kidding, Leo is the waiter at your nearest Nando’s and although you’re basically your own waiter in there, he still hovers near your table asking if everything is alright. Not that he’d make use of himself to refill your drink, oh no, that’s your job pal. Still, he’s good banter. One time Leo knocked over a chair and exclaimed ‘I meant to do that’. Everyone laughed. You had to be there.
Lincoln
‘Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again?’, says Lincoln to every girl at the bar. Most laugh it off, but once every six months, someone falls for it. Lincoln is a nice guy, he just has absolutely no game whatsoever. Look at his confidently placed hand in the pant suit pocket. Seems like a smooth customer, right? Wrong. Lincoln has bad breath and blinks weird. Nobody can tolerate him for long. It’s a shame but that’s the way the cookie sometimes crumbles.
Mike
Hey girl. You busy? I’d love to take you back to the ranch to meet my family and then ride horses into the sunset. Just kidding, Mike doesn’t own a ranch. He doesn’t even own a hairbrush. He lives in his car along with a diabetic pet cat and four vinyl players. Mike is a struggling musician who’s tried everything – American Idol, America’s Got Talent, stalking Randy Jackson. It’s a bust. The world is sleeping on his gift. Still, hopefully he’ll get some good exposure from The Bachelor.
Nick
Nicky Noodle here is a gym bro, but he’s a sensitive one. Sure, he’ll grunt so loud lifting weights that it distracts everyone around and the management have to ask him to keep it down, but he’ll also wipe the machines clean after sweating all over them. Nick even offers to refill peoples’ water bottles if they’re running low. Oh wait, he actually works at the gym. That’s weird. Why is he working out on the job? That seems like a bit of a liberty? Weird. Take a break, Nick. You can only be so swole.
Rickey
Aspiring cabaret singer, Rickey is just on The Bachelorette to kill time. He’s got the moves, the showmanship, the voice and most definitely the style. Every day is a show day for Rickey, lest you forget. He’ll regularly burst into song at the most inopportune moments. Singing Fall Out Boy’s ‘Sugar We’re Goin’ Down’ as your Grandmother’s coffin was lowered into the grave wasn’t Rickey’s finest moment, but it definitely made for some good gossip at the reception afterwards. He’s a good soul, but Lord, at times he can be a smidge too much.
Ryan
Ryan is the most boring man alive and he blissfully prides himself on it. Got any book recommendations, Ryan? ‘The Bible’. Seen any good movies lately? ‘Titanic is a classic’. What kind of music are you into? ‘A bit of everything’. FFS RYAN GIVE ME SOMETHING. He has the above shirt in eight different colours. One of them is pink, so he deems it to be ‘a bit too jazzy’ and will probably never wear it. Ryan is so boring he actively searches for Anne Hathaway movies on Netflix. Go home, Ryan.
Trent
Trent knows what you did last summer. Because he was watching you the entire time. He’s a creep, you see. A peeping Tom. Trent gets off on looking at other people going about their daily lives. Trent once sat and watched a mother of two unpacking the shopping from her car for fifteen minutes, then rewatched it on his phone which was recording her the entire time. He’s bananas. The Bachelorette better not be a fan of mundane everyday activities because Trent will take an unhealthy shine to her and probably masturbate to her Instagram stories.
Wills
Wills just got the inside track on a foolproof scheme that could see your investment quadrupled and returned to you within six months. It’s all totally above board, you just need to deposit £25k into his bank account by midnight tonight, along with a vial of your blood, two toenail clippings and a written promise to always respect women, no matter what. Then sit back and wait for those pennies to roll in. Wills gets nothing out of this deal, just the satisfaction of a job well done. You can trust him. Why would he lie to you? He’s got absolutely nothing to gain here.
Images via E Online
