These things, they seem to just get stranger and stranger
A new Stranger Things series three teaser trailer has dropped and it does little other than reconfirm that the theme song absolutely undeniably slaps.
In the summer of 1985, the adventure continues… pic.twitter.com/m3s6hyJL8k
— Stranger Things (@Stranger_Things) December 10, 2018
All we’ve got to work with is the episode titles and frankly, that’s more than enough when you’ve got an overactive imagination and far too much time on your hands.
So, to keep us all busy until the unspecified date in 2019 when the new series will finally be released, let’s figure out what’s going to happen based off the episode titles.
No, I haven’t lost my mind. You’ve lost your mind. Or you’re about to. Over how accurate these plot summaries are going to be.
Episode 1: Suzie, Do You Copy?
New character Suzie gets a suspiciously good test result at school having failed every exam up until that point. She goes from getting an average grade of D- to a flawless A+ in the space of a few months. The teachers are suspicious of her progress and call a meeting with her parents. They’re as baffled as the rest of the faculty and end up confronting Suzie in an emotional scene while she’s trying to dry her hair after swimming practice. If she doesn’t dry it straight away, it starts to frizz and it’ll become a whole thing. Honestly, not worth getting into it right now.
Anyway, Suzie denies cheating on the test, then slips into a coma shortly after writing a note indicating that she has been to the Upside Down and received special powers which allow her to know the capital city of every country in the world. It’s a niche gift, but one she promises to use for good. Failing that, she vows to become a Geography teacher as there’s not a lot else she can do with her newfound ability. In the final scene, her best friend Fluffy Mipkins figures out that she was never in the Upside Down as her passport is missing the stamp you get when you arrive there. It turns out Suzie copied the answers to the test from none other than Geography whizz Will Byers and is just a big massive liar. They sacrifice her to the Demogorgons shortly after.
Episode 2: The Mall Rats
Paul Blart: Mall Cop is back, but this time he means business. He’s ditched his security guard uniform and instead slipped himself into a rat costume, advertising cheese for a popular cheesemongers in the Hawkins Mall. Although it’s typically mice that are attracted to cheese, this particular shop employs an inviting sense of whimsy with their approach to guerrilla marketing, something the customers quite frankly can’t get enough of, nor can Paul Blart. It’s a viral sensation, regularly trending on Imgur and Stumble Upon.
Despite his unconventional job, Paul finds love with a fellow Mall Rat. Her name is Nancy Wheeler and although she’s twenty years his junior, their connection is undeniable. They join forces and adopt Eleven’s younger sister, Ten. Their perfectly little family isn’t without its troubles, as the smell of cheese coming from Paul Blart’s work uniform attracts a group of mice into their house. But they’re not just any mice, they’re Demogorgons in disguise and they want to live there rent free. “Not on my watch”, Paul Blart says as he blasts them with a flamethrower. RIP.
Episode 3: The Case Of The Missing Lifeguard
A trip to Hawkins beach in the middle of winter ends in turmoil for Will, Mike, Eleven, Dustin and Lucas as they notice that the yellow flag is flying at half mast. Any beach goer worth their saltwater knows what that means – a member of the lifeguard team has lost their luggage from a recent holiday trip abroad. Rather than enjoying their time in the sandy abyss, the gang put all their efforts into helping the distraught lifeguard with relocating their suitcase. “Our sandcastles can wait”, Lucas says as he rolls up his sleeves to get to work on some real issues.
They call the airline, speak to the airport manager, even ring the police due to confusing instructions given to them by the airline, but to no avail. What was supposed to be a relaxing day at the beach ends up being a stressful event for the kids. They’re about ready to call off the search when Dustin notices something in the distance. It’s the suitcase! Bobbing up and down in the water! The lifeguard uses the people of Hawkins’ tax-funded jet ski to retrieve it. When it comes ashore, Mike wedges the case open to find that it’s empty apart from a soggy note that just says ‘Stranger Things have happened LOL’.
Episode 4: The Sauna Test
A dodgy curry results in Eleven having an unpredictable tummy on a lazy Sunday afternoon in Hawkins, Indiana. She’d already made plans with Hopper and doesn’t want to cancel, so she pops and Imodium and perseveres. Things seem to be clearing up down south, right up until Eleven needs an emergency trip to the bathroom. Frustrated with the eventual output, she carries on, experiencing what can only be described as a continuous fart attack right in the car beside Hopper. She cannot stop trumping, not even if she wanted to.
Hopper is a perfect gentleman and uses Eleven’s latest health development to his advantage. They were planning on going swimming anyway, so he tests the theory of whether a particularly hefty bout of flatulence can indeed turn a swimming pool into a jacuzzi. Disappointingly, it doesn’t make any difference, but the pair have fun regardless. Afterwards, they nip into the sauna and Eleven ignites it with just one minuscule fart. Everyone perishes to their death and smell of sulphur hangs over Hawkins for many years to come. RIP.
Episode 5: The Source
A gentleman from Essex joins the Stranger Things universe for Christmas and he’s got one thing on his mind – making sure everyone gets to enjoy a typical British Christmas dinner together in perfect harmony, free from any interference from the Upside Down and those pesky Department of Energy scientific researchers. Credit where it’s due, Jack manages to keep the Demogorgons at bay, instead realising that it’s actually the regular people he should’ve been worried about all along.
Innocently enough during Christmas dinner, Jack requests that Karen Wheeler pass him the cranberry sauce. Confused with the language barrier, Karen struggles to understand Jack’s thick Essex lilt, instead thinking he’s asking for its source. She insists that it’s a homemade product, but Jack doesn’t care. He just wants to cram some cranberry sauce right down his pie hole. Tensions mount and there’s a physical struggle with the bowl. It ends up splashing across the walls, ceiling, everywhere. Nobody gets to eat cranberry sauce and Christmas is ruined, all because of Jack’s thick Essex accent.
Episode 6: The Birthday
Lucas turns 45 years old, prompting a lot of questions about his youthful appearance and desire to hang around with a group of pre-teens all the time. After he pleads his case, everyone moves on and they resume normality in the town of Hawkins. Steve’s birthday then rolls around and it emerges that he’s turning 87 years old. At this point, Hopper starts to smell a rat. It’s Paul Blart, who is also 87 years old, but nobody queries it. After some digging around at Hawkins university, Hopper then discovers the harrowing truth that nobody expected.
Benjamin Button Syndrome is real and it’s happening in their town. People are ageing backwards, gaining more youthful appearances with every year. Nobody can do anything about it, so they all hang out in Mike’s basement and watch the movie together to educate themselves. They’re stunned by Brad Pitt’s acting prowess, describing it as flawless and Oscar-worthy. Cate Blanchett’s achievements are somewhat overlooked, which sparks a debate about the equality movement that’s currently taking place in Hollywood, despite the series being set in 1985. Honestly the whole episode is a bit of a mess and could’ve had a tighter edit and more gripping storyline.
Episode 7: The Bite
Dustin’s got a hickey, but who gave him the hickey? Nobody knows, not even Dustin. He awakes one morning from his slumber to notice a giant love bite on his neck. Although impressed at first, his friends then start to doubt Dustin’s protest that he doesn’t know where it came from. They fall out, with Will and Lucas calling him “a shady little bitch” and “a curly headed c**t”, in an unprecedented turn of events. Dustin tries to figure out who gave him the hickey, but keeps drawing blanks. He’s angry and confused, questioning his sanity and searching for answers.
In the final scene, we see Dustin going to bed, defeated after weeks of research. He’s lost everything, his friends, family, even Joyce Byers can’t stand him anymore. This mysterious hickey has ruined his life and left him with nothing. Just as he switches off the nightlight, something twitches under his pillow, but Dustin doesn’t notice and starts to fall asleep. Finally, we see it. D’Artagnan is back and he’s horny as hell. The episode ends with him tenderly nuzzling on Dustin’s neck. In the morning, Dustin will awake to yet another freshly squeezed hickey and try to figure it all out again. The perils of being a preteen in Hawkins, Indiana, eh?
Episode 8: The Battle Of Starcourt
Where does a packet of Starburst go when it commits a crime? To jail. But first, to the Starcourt to be convicted, just like everyone else. Jonathan Byers is enjoying a packet of Starburst (then called Opal Fruits) when one of them slips out of the wrapper and accidentally murders a man. Shocked by its actions, Jonathan contacts the manufacturer and demands a replacement yellow Starburst and recommends an entire packet also be sent as a goodwill gesture for the hardship that he’s had to endure as a result. They refuse, citing the owner to be at fault.
Livid, Jonathan enlists the help of Mike, Eleven, Dustin, Nancy Lucas and even Max to seek revenge. They successfully prosecute the murderous Starburst and also the manufacturer for gross negligence, winning $5m in damages. It’s a huge win for the kids, but also the consumer vs confectionary industry at large. Jonathan spends the money on a Stranger Things t-shirt and various other merchandise items, along with a packet of Fruit Pastilles (noted rivals of Starburst – nice). Everyone is happy to see the back of the case, then one of Jonathan’s Fruit Pastilles jumps out of the packet and accidentally murders a baby. Will they get another $5m settlement or is time up on Jonathan’s weak attempts at concealing his unquenchable thirst for homicide? You’ll have to wait for Stranger Things series 4 to find out.
