*Taylor Swift voice* Bake it off!
GBBO is back on August 28th (next ruddy Tuesday!!1!11!1!), which means that finally our lives can regain purpose and joy.
This morning, the new contestants have been unleashed unto the world, along with a charming set of promotional photographs.
You should know the score by now. I’m going to use these images alone to predict the eventual winner because that’s just how these things work around here.
On your marks. Get set. Predict!
12. Terry
Terry, whomst will henceforth be known as The Monopoly Man, shan’t be winning GBBO this year and that rests entirely as a result of the promotional photograph seen above. Firstly, Terry hasn’t got his glasses on, so he’s unlikely to be able to see the mess he’s made of icing that cupcake. His sleeves aren’t even rolled up, which is a sure sign that he’s not as heavily invested in the proceedings as he should be. As we all know, the international sign for being determined to succeed in something is rolling up your sleeves, then smacking your hands together and saying “Righto”.
Easily the biggest fault in Terry’s promo photograph is the way he’s holding the piping bag. Any experienced baker worth their salt knows that piping bag air bubbles are your worst enemy, just ahead of ISIS and ovens that only display their temperature in Fahrenheit. Terry has scrunched up the excess part of the bag, thereby increasing his chances of encountering an air bubble which will result in an unexpected ejaculation of icing all over the bun, leaving an unsightly mess. Terry should’ve twisted and folded the excess baggage part. He is a fool and undeserving of GBBO victory.
11. Antony
Antony, what are you laughing at? What’s so funny? Is this competition just one big joke to you, son? Do the intricacies of baking tickle your pickle? Grow up, Antony. This is GBBO, not some lacklustre series of Britain’s Got Talent where they draft in obscure judges like the third Hemsworth brother just because he had a window in his schedule. It’s the kind of BGT series where a man that can play his nose like an instrument ends up winning the whole thing. It’s a mess. THIS IS THE GREAT BRITISH BLOODY BAKE OFF ANTONY FFS, CAN U PLS FOCUS.
Evidently, he’s giddy. Antony probably isn’t hugely comfortable with getting his photograph taken, which has resulted in an overcompensation of expression. You can see every single one of his teeth and while they appear to be in great shape due to his regular flossing schedule, it shows that he’s nervous. Antony isn’t confident in his abilities as a baker. Sure, he might win Star Baker on a whim some week, but he’s not going to win the whole competition. His nerves will overwork pastry like there’s no tomorrow. You can practically smell his overactive sweat glands.
10. Kim-Joy
Kim-Joy might’ve won GBBO if I was ranking them based on their names being least to most suitable for a Disney character, but unfortunately that is not the case at this particular moment in time. I have jotted down the idea, but cannot that promise it will come to fruition once I’ve floated it with my editor. Regardless, Kim-Joy is not going to win GBBO this year and it’s incredibly obvious why. Yes, it is because she is a careless baker, one whose concentration doesn’t seem to last long as her mind wanders elsewhere, to lands that involve rainbows, puppies and an effective and harmonious queueing system in Argos.
How do I know this? Excellent question. Kim-Joy has gotten icing in her hair. Look closely at the lower half of her locks. They’ve been dyed purple after what I can only assume was a KitchenAid accident involving macaron mixture and a careless momentary lapse in concentration. Kim-Joy tried to get the dye out of her hair before the photoshoot, but it was a special dye that’s actually illegal in the UK due to its long-lasting effects when it comes into contact with humans. She’s going to have purple hair for years, possibly decades. People pay a lot of money for that finish, so at least she’s got herself a bargain.
9. Karen
Half-zebra half-woman, Karen will not be victorious in her pursuit of this year’s GBBO title. She’s got other things on her mind, such as being the headmistress of a supernatural boarding school which teaches young witches how to hone their craft and use their powers for good in these uncertain times. Baking is something she’s used as a means of relaxation when the school closes for the holidays, or when the girls are being particularly naughty and causing her stress levels to rise. But the truth is, she (illegally) uses magic to enhance her bakes.
GBBO is strictly against its bakers using magic during the competition, so Karen will have to be heavily monitored throughout her time on the show. They will have to assign a special judge to keep an eye on Karen, which ultimately will expose her to be quite an average baker. In the real world, she’d be considered a perfectly proficient baker, but on GBBO we’re looking for greatness and magic-free bakes with the ability to dazzle even Paul Hollywood. Not to worry, Karen will magic her sadness away when she gets eliminated, so she’ll be absolutely fine.
8. Luke
Star of the hit movie, it’s Luke Who’s Baking Too! Credit where it’s due, Luke takes a good photograph. But is it successful in convincing us that he’s going to win GBBO? Honestly, no. You need to look beyond the smile and gaze deep into his soul. Luke’s hiding something, you can practically taste it. Luke is involved in a Fight Club, just like the movie. He unwinds by mercilessly beating the crap out of strangers that equally enjoy the relaxing sensation of having the living Christ kicked out of them. He’s not alone in this endeavour, but it’s going to cost him.
While Luke’s downtime is none of our business, it’s likely that this particular activity will impinge on his chances of being victorious in the competition. His body will ache, he’ll have cuts and bruises to tend to and there’s a very real chance that a fellow Fight Club participant will turn up at the GBBO tent unannounced and looking for vengeance. Depending on how long their fight lasts, Luke’s bakes are in danger of burning in the oven as his focus is used elsewhere. It’s a recipe for disaster and unlikely to land him the GBBO first place prize. Still, great photo though.
7. Imelda
Diabolical piping technique aside, Imelda has revealed herself to be an indecisive person in this promotional photograph. Her wide smile is merely a distraction technique used to divert our attention. Look at her wrist. She’s wearing a bracelet and she’s got a hair tie on standby. But why isn’t the hair tie being used on her hair? Well, it’s evident that Imelda has brought the hair tie in case she changes her mind and wants to tie her hair up after the photograph is taken. She couldn’t commit to having her hair down, so she’s given herself another option.
But what does this decision say about her baking skills? Well, she’s missed a trick. Had Imelda used her head (accessory), she would’ve realised that it could be used to firmly secure the piping bag and prevent any air bubbles from entering during the piping process. As evidenced in the cupcake icing pattern, Imelda struggled to exercise control over the bag. A simple wrap around of the hair tie could’ve achieved a better finish, then been used to tie her hair up afterwards. She’s not an innovator, she is just a smiling contestant whose senseless decision will prove to cost her dearly.
6. Briony
Your friend’s Mum is on the telly! She’s been watching GBBO for years and threatening to enter, so it’s only fitting that she’s finally gotten the chance to compete. Every time you call over, she’s got something in the oven. Briony can be a bit mental with her concoctions, one time giving you a chicken Kiev wrapped in marshmallow, but you ate it because her expectant smile signalled that you wouldn’t be allowed to leave the house until you finished every bite, complimented the chef and pledged to donate £5 a month to a family in the third world because those are the right things to do.
Briony will do well in the competition, but she’s not going to win it. Her fondness for floral patterns is going to attract a lot of bugs into the tent. During a technical challenge, a grasshopper is going to slip into Briony’s lemon puffs without her noticing. Hollywood will get the unlucky bite and descend into a spiral of rage, calling Briony a buffoon and then setting fire to her floral blouse. This will all be edited out of the final show, but you’ll know it happened because Briony will mysteriously decide to go home that week for an ‘unexplained’ reason.
5. Dan
Although he has taken an aesthetically pleasing promotional photograph, Dan will struggle to claim the winner’s trophy in this year’s GBBO. He’ll get distracted towards the end of the competition as his job as an everyday superhero commands his attention. Taking so much time out of his schedule from GBBO is going to take its toll as his hometown descends into an immense pile of filth and crime. The people need Dan, they need his strength and bravery in tackling such menial tasks as convincing people to thoroughly rinse their items before recycling.
He won’t use any superpowers in the competition as that’s strictly forbidden. Dan will park his superhero status outside the tent, just like everyone else. He’s on the show to prove a point. Sure, superheroes are to be adored and respected by all for their bravery and commitment to making this world a better place, but they also have an incredible aptitude for baking. Eventually, Dan will have to choose between being a superhero or winning GBBO and he will chose the former because the world needs someone to remind them to switch off the house alarm in the morning before they try to open a window.
4. Jon
Hard to fault this charming photograph, but nevertheless, we shall. Jon will do well in this year’s GBBO, but like the cupcake being iced above, he’ll struggle to make it to the end. Jon suffers from a very rare condition called Cantfinishanythingitis, which as the name suggests, means he can’t finish anything. School, job applications, Muller Corner yoghurts, Jon hasn’t reached the end of anything in his damn life and this stint on GBBO will be no different, unfortunately for him.
Throughout the competition, he’s going to fall short. Dough won’t be fully risen, cake decorations will be short on finesse, even his apron won’t be tied up properly most days. It’s not Jon’s fault, it’s merely the condition he was born with. Despite not making it to the final, he’s going to give hope to Cantfinishanythingitis sufferers worldwide, who will learn that if they dream, they can partially achieve. He’ll go on to write a book after the show finishes, but inevitably, he won’t get it finished in time for print. Not to worry, Jon. We’ve all had dealings with Cantfinishanythingitis, particularly with Sudokus and vegetables.
3. Manon
What’s her favourite movie? Manon Wire!!! Welcome to the top three, Manon. It’s an honourable finish, but sadly, it’s not the top spot. Unfortunately, it’ll be her dark secret that prevents Manon from progressing to the winning position. You see, Manon is actually American actress Jennifer Garner. She’s starring in a new role next year as a baker, so infiltrated the competition to gain some insider knowledge and perfect her baking skills. The prosthetics are almost believable, but you can tell it’s her right around the eyes and in her smile.
The judges won’t figure it out until the final week of the competition, when Manon forgets to wear her disguise one day. Jennifer Garner will confidently waltz into the tent and everyone will lose it, begging for selfies and boobs to be signed. Jennifer will try to keep up her Manon act, but they’ll see right through it once she stars moaning about how 13 Going On 30 deserved Oscar buzz and how it’s a disgrace that the movie is currently sitting on a meagre score of 54% on Rotten Tomatoes. On the grounds of fraud, she will be removed from the competition. Unlucky, Jennifer. Hope the movie is a success though!
2. Ruby
Congratulations to Ruby, who has won the title of Best Angle Nailed In A GBBO Promo Photograph. The girl, credit where it’s due, is serving a look. She’s nailed her angle beyond belief and that’s a good omen for her performance on the show. Her confidence is staggering. She could successfully run for President of the world with that level of eye contact, and perhaps she will. Ruby doesn’t even need to look at the cupcake as she’s icing it, her peripheral vision is doing all the heavy lifting here. Ruby is the best thing to ever happen to GBBO and deserves to-
Woah. It’s likely that I have just been brainwashed into saying the above statements. I believe that if you look into Ruby’s eyes for too long, she will convince you to do things, things such as whipping up a quick crème pâtissière to have with your scones for Sunday lunch and giving her a high placement in a nonsense listicle. She’s in control of the situation and will manipulate the judges to work in her favour using mind control. She’ll convince them to award her second place so it doesn’t look suspicious, like when you copy your mate’s homework but pepper a few mistakes throughout so the teacher isn’t dubious of your proficiency. Beware of Ruby.
1. Rahul
Congratulations to the only GBBO contestant that’s managed to completely ice the cupcake prop! Rahul screams victory, from his borderline Christmas jumper right down to his piercing stare and controlled smile. He’s won it before he even set foot into the tent. Look at the finish on that cupcake for Christ’s sake, it’s flawless. The peak has a playful flip at the top, it’s positively majestic. Rahul already spent the prize money on those two blindingly glamorous rings. He’s not a flashy guy, he just really likes jewellery.
Place your bets now because this is an absolute certainty. Rahul will be taking the GBBO 2018 crown with great ease. We already know that he’s a snazzy dresser, flashes a friendly smile like no other and has the ability to ice a cupcake to completion. There is nothing this man cannot do. He’s got a heap of icing left in the bag, but that will simply go in the bin rather than indulging in the temptation of adding more icing to the cake. It doesn’t need it. Simplicity is key, as Rahul always says. Rahul, congratulations on prematurely being crowned as the winner of GBBO 2018.
Images via GBBO
