The John Lewis Christmas advert is finally here, and it's full of cute, bouncing animals. Yay!
At least, that's what John Lewis wants you to think. But look a little closer. Think a little harder. There's another story here, a darker story, lurking beneath the bright lights and soft focus of 2016's most anticipated advert.
If you haven't seen the advert already,
you can check it out here, but it's not what you think it is. Come with us on a journey, a journey to the other side...
This little girl has been jumping on her bed for the last three hours.
Our hero, Buster, is close to cracking.
But she keeps on bouncing, bouncing, bouncing.
"Urge to kill... rising. Rising. RISI-"
Oh, but thank goodness! Mum's here to save the day.
"If you don't knock that shit off, I'll cancel Christmas. I'll cancel Christmas, and you'll go back to sleeping in the cupboard."
"No thank you, Mummy. I'm asleep now. No more cupboard, please Mummy."
Finally, she's asleep. Now the real work can commence.
Daddy's building something in the garden.
He stretches the canvas across the frame.
He sets up the supports.
He stands back and admires his work.
Beautiful, isn't it? A homemade MMA octagon. The perfect Christmas present for a young child.
Daddy checks the Christmas Eve card. All the fighters are lined up. Everything's in place.
And here comes the first contender: Fox Lesnar.
And the crowd goes wild!
Fox is a major force to be reckoned with, don't let his days as a wrestler foo-
WHAT?! Andrei Arfoxski? They're fighting... as a team? This is unheard of!
Oh shit! Here comes Ryan Badger, and he means business.
The boys size each other up - this is going to be grizzly.
"You ready, Lesnar?"
"I'm ready, Arfoxski."
"You little bitches don't know what you're getting into."
Lesnar and Arfoxski go in for the early strike...
And Ryan Badger goes down, hard! An opening blow from Arfoxski sends him reeling.
It's looking bad for Ryan Badger already.
What kind of sickness is this? What depths have we now sunk to?
Fade...
Christmas Day - hooray!
"Merry Christmas, Mummy! I had the strangest dream last night. All these animals were in the garden, and they all had really bad UFC pun names..."
"UFC? But... how did you...?"
"What the FUCK?"
"...they wouldn't stop bouncing!"
Merry Christmas from John Lewis*
*John Lewis had nothing to do with this. Sorry, John Lewis. In fact, sorry everyone.
