JOE Agony Uncle Matt Berry answers your problems... 6 years ago

JOE Agony Uncle Matt Berry answers your problems...

JOE Agony Uncle Matt Berry delivers more solid advice this week, including: "Age is immaterial, talent is everything", "Gather your rollers tight and tell her" and "At least she gives a s**t".

If you have an issue you'd like Matt to help with - email [email protected].


Dear Uncle Matt,

My girlfriend has started doing this annoying thing of ordering for me when we’re out for dinner. At first I went with it because what she suggested sounded quite interesting, but now it's kale this and aubergine that. I’ve tried telling her but she won’t have it. It's starting to make me not want to dine out with her and go to the pub instead. What should I do?

Carl, Surrey


I hear what you're saying Carl, but you haven't told me if she knows what she's doing or not.

If she knows a kipper from a rabbit and always pleasantly surprises you with grub you would have never tried, I'd let her carry on. If, however, she's being flash, or trying to look sophisticated, then I'd tell her that you really fancy something specific just before you get to the restaurant, that way she'll be clear as to your requirements.

If this doesn't work, and she ignores your hint, then you need to say (and don't be a c**t about it): "Actually I'll stop you there, I'm going to go for the ravioli as, like I said, it's what I bloody fancy." I don't think that's rude, it's just firm. I don't believe she's doing it to be posh or flash as only blokes pull stupid s**t like that, so, unless it's a problem, I'd leave her to it. Thing is Carl, at least she gives a s**t. Remember that boy.

Dear Uncle Matt,


I know you love music and read somewhere that you always thought you would end up doing music professionally. I’m in a band and have been trying to get signed for six years. It's got to the point where people are telling me to give up and get a real job as I'm living at my mum's and on the dole. I know bands that have done the same though before they were signed. Shall I give up my dream or keep pushing? P.S. I'm 32.

Tommy, Salford

It's tough Tommy, and there are a lot of odds against you. Not to mention the fact that the big industries that make money out of the arts or sports are largely engineered and run by departments with ideas and principles that have nothing to do with artistry.

But, if you're bloody good, and you absolutely cannot imagine doing anything else in the world (that's a big question) then you need to stick at it. You need to stick at it for two reasons - 1) You'll definitely regret not doing so later on. 2) The business needs more people, possibly like yourself, who come in late (late by industry standards) and take care of business, thus proving that age is immaterial, and talent is everything.


Remember, a big part of the music biz, (much like the modelling game from what I've heard) seems to still be about old blokes checking out barely legals, with a view to making money out of them, which is something I've always found a bit creepy.

Thing is, it's been that way since the late 50s and will continue, so you Tommy must swim against the tide and proudly poke through.

BBC Electric Proms - Doves Perform

Dear Uncle Matt,

One of my best mates is a girl I've known for 10 years, who I'm also in love with. We flirt and share beds but nothing has actually happened, but hanging out with her stops me from pulling anyone else. She's the best person to party with. I realise it is a classic situation but I need some advice from someone who isn't a t**t?


Leon, Dumfries

Hi Leon,

Without knowing more details like - 'have you tried it on?', 'If you did, did she react positively?', 'Or did she run towards the vicarage?' - I can only really give you advice that is going to sound bleedin' obvious, and possibly not something that you may feel like acting on.

It's simple, you have to tell her what you've just told me. Exactly what you've just told me. And I see two possible outcomes - 1) She apologetically tells you that she sees you as a good friend and cannot think of you in a sack situation, or 2) She feels the same way.

If you don't tell her, you f**k your chance of hearing her say the second one, and life my boy, is too 'kin short to second guess anything or anyone.

So, gather your rollers tight, and tell her. Oh, and when I say tell her, I mean face to face, not by bloody email. It's time to leave your text, or Tinder finger, in your pocket and be a man. Good luck.