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23rd November 2018
01:55pm GMT
Malique was enjoying his morning toilet visit while Rita waited outside, complaining about the smell and various other grievances with the jungle that simply isn't fit for human life. When Malique left the dunny, he was immediately scolded by Rita, who noticed that he had left the toilet seat up. Like a Mum training her child to not be scum, she made him return to the scene of the crime to rectify the situation while she watched. It's the sixth day of I'm A Celeb and they're like a real family already. Now this, this is truly living.
2. To keep himself entertained, Harry introduced a very corrupt gambling system to the jungle
There's a log that sits upon the jungle floor. It's no harm, no foul. So naturally, Harry Redknapp has corrupted it. He noticed that the campmates were playing a game that involves tossing rings to land on the log and offered up £1,000 to anyone that could hook all four rings onto it. It's an unachievable feat. The house always wins. From the outset, the celebrities were being set up for a loss. Harry is a wheeler dealer, finally we have definitive proof. Nobody is getting £1,000. Then, to add flavour to the situation, Harry got up and landed a ring on the log during his first attempt, showing how easy it is to do. Credit where it's due, the man is a hustler.
3. Noel and Harry spent the entire show looking like two Dads that were on a stag do
Ever seen a stag do where it was very obvious that the Dads had been given a courtesy invite and selfishly decided to attend? Like, they were asked along to keep things civil between all parties, but didn't realise that the honourable thing to do would be to kindly refuse the offer and allow the youths to go and enjoy themselves without any oldies holding them back. But no, these chumps took the invitation as a sign that they're both just "one of the boys" and planned to go harder than anyone else. But then precisely three beers in, both had to go back to the hotel to sleep it off. Look at the above image and tell me that I am wrong.
4. Six days in and the tasks have already become extremely undignified, meaning the only way is up
As we saw Noel Edmonds and Harry Redknapp sitting upon a throne, watching Sair and Fleur unscrewing plastic stars using just their tongues, things felt a smidge disturbing. Was this the only way they could've freed the stars? Using their literal tongues for leverage? It was an undignified task from I'm A Celeb, heightened by the fact that two middle aged men had front row seats and kept saying words of encouragement like "Good" and "Come on, that's it". Six days in and we are at rock bottom. Soak it in, Britain. This is what we deserve.
5. In an unexpected turn of events, The Beatles covered The Vamps
Do you get it? There are beetles and various other bugs all over James, who's part of The Vamps. That's it. That's the gag. Sadly, this is the best joke I have ever written.
6. Harry was grounded and his mum didn't want him looking out the window at his friends outside
"Come away from the window, Harry. I don't care if they're all outside, you're not going out to play. Dad's going to be furious when he gets home and hears that you've been fighting with your sister again. She's three years younger, you should know better. You need to sit down and have a think about what you want to do with your life, because if you keep going down this destructive path, you'll go nowhere. Come on, away from the curtains. Idiots outside tell them to stop screeching and ringing the doorbell. No dessert, off to bed. I don't care if it's 6pm, good night".
7. Noel Edmonds doesn't know where the groin area of the human body is
John stood up to ask The Emperor (Noel) a question and was scratching his waist at the time. Noel, a man who we have just learned doesn't know where the groin is, asked John to stop touching his groin. Clearly, a mistake has occurred. Noel Edmonds has gone his entire life thinking that the groin was located on the waist and vice versa. This is funny and probably why he opted not to have a career in physiotherapy as patients simply wouldn't stand for his malpractice, mostly because his ineptitude would leave them without the ability to stand. Get a clue, Noel. No deal.
8. Harry masked his incessant yearning for jam roly-poly poorly
The man just wants a slice of jam roly-poly with custard and it's not too much to ask. He's 71 years old. He's lived a busy life. Now he's in the middle of the Australian jungle, starving to death and in desperate need of a little bit of jam and sponge squished together into an aesthetically pleasing spiralled slice. When their Dingo Dollars left them with a choice between gelato or cheese, Harry convinced Noel to pick cheese. Upon seeing the cheese, Harry couldn't contain his disappointment, not at the meagre amount of cheese supplied, but at the fact that it wasn't a jam roly-poly. I'm A Celeb is a cruel show and it must be stopped.
9. Harry Redknapp flossed, guaranteeing him the millennial vote and ultimately being crowned king of the jungle
That's it, pack up your things, show's over folks. The winner of this year's I'm A Celeb has been crowned and it's Harry Redknapp. After bursting onto the scene with his mischievous personality, he's finally tapped into every age bracket that's likely to vote. The Mums and Dads like his humour, the young adults are enamoured with his fascination for jam roly-polys and now the teens are on his side thanks to the attempted floss Harry performed last night. This is it. Our king of the jungle has made himself known. Let's fast-track the series and get him out of there.
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