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13th March 2018
02:10pm GMT
'Spread Your Love', the song from that Vin Diesel movie, Skins and NME's 27th best song of 2002 rings out as we're inducted into the show. It's a garage rock classic, with heavy guitar licks and a bass line that would make your 1994 Nissan Micra hop off the ground. When you hear this track at the beginning of a show, you're expecting a gripping drama about a cop that wants to serve justice to the masses, while battling his inner turmoil at being wronged by a close family member in the early 90s. It's a big song, is what I'm saying
Imagine my disappointment when the track is preceded by Yazz's 'The Only Way Is Up' to emphasise four fifth's of the show's name, then accompanied by a montage of some girls getting a massage, a confused miniature dog, three laughing young adults with teeth identical to Rylan, a girl counting her spare change, the outside of a house from two different angles and finally two young men exchanging pleasantries. Black Rebel Motorcycle didn't write that song for this shit. They wrote it for at the very most a Vin Diesel movie and at the very least, a brief interlude on Skins. We've been catfished.
All of the boys style their hair like they've just stopped midway through towel drying it to answer the door
It's an acquired look, both both gentlemen above are at different stages of the drying process. The guy on the left has just begun towel drying, but the guy on the right has almost finished. They halted proceedings because the doorbell rang. 'Good thing we chose to towel dry as opposed to using the hairdryer, otherwise we wouldn't have heard the doorbell', they think to themselves. It's the postman, he's got a delivery that's simply too large to fit through the letterbox. Sadly, it's for neither of them. It's a package for Mr. B Knice. He doesn't live there, but they allow his name to serve as a reminder to always be kind to each other. (To clarify, none of this happened during the show. I'm just giving context for how I believe these hairstyles came about).
I am worried about this dog
This poor little sod was stuck in a massage parlour with three girls moaning about their boyfriends. I don't want to assume the gender of the pooch, but I am getting a strong female vibe off her. Either way, she's absolutely miserable. She sits around listening to these fellow bitches harping on about pointless shit, while she's the one who's never going to get to taste Nutella. Dogs aren't allowed to have chocolate, it could kill them. She'll never get a marshmallow dipped in chocolate and topped with a Smartie at her birthday party, she'll never try one of those chocolate yoghurts with the little balls you tip into them, she'll never get to have a Ferrero Rocher. These girls think they have problems, but they don't. Being a dog is actually very sad.
Their depictions of an average household are grossly exaggerated
Just a casual afternoon in the kitchen, isn't it? Jess is having a little sit down in a full on dress with a salon-finished hairstyle, Nanny Pat is chatting with her as she dries her hands in a pristine tea towel, meanwhile Carol is smiling herself as she does the ironing, also kitted out in a full on dress. This is bullshit and not what everyday kitchens look like, in Essex or otherwise. In my kitchen, we have a strict pyjamas policy, meaning that 80% of the inhabitants must be wearing their jammies at all times, or at the very least, a dressing gown. If clothes are being ironed, the activity is carried out with a scowl and intermittent expressions of 'I never get any help around here'. Nobody wears a dress in the kitchen and the tea towels must always be grubby, everyone knows that. I thought this was reality television, ffs.
I witnessed potentially the dumbest conversation of my short and fruitful life
These two individuals (who I know to be Gemma and Arg because I've watched other reality television shows) engaged in what is a strong contender for the dumbest conversation the world has ever witnessed. Gemma was complimenting Arg on his newly trimmed-down appearance, when she warned him not to return to being a sleuth. A sleuth, you know, a detective. Arg questioned the word, then Gemma said "You know like them koala bears that hang from the trees and don't move all day. Sloths?", so respect to the girl for working through her own stupidity and finally getting the correct word. Arg then chimes in with "I thought a sloth was like a bee or a wasp", to which Gemma tells him "No, it's a bear". So overall, that's quite a conversation to include in the editing process. TOWIE is really something.
The female friendships in Essex are closer than is comfortably necessary
I am a female. I have friendships. I get it. But I have never sat atop the ledge of the bath as one of my friends cocked her leg to shave it. That's just not quite the level of friendship I've reached, which I'm assuming is the case for many girls. Of all the places you'd sit in this instance, surely right down the runway of your mate's butthole is a poor choice. Sit on the ground beside the bath, where modesty is protected and friendships remain intact. Sit outside and chat through the door. Sit in the comfort of your own home and speak over the phone. Move country and use Skype. There are other ways to demonstrate your closeness with friends than by avoiding eye contact with their gaping butthole as they shave their legs in the bath.
The boys' level of banter is criminal and they should be locked up
Perhaps it's just in Essex, but good Lord the level of banter is appalling. A group of boys are sitting in a nightclub that has full studio lighting. They're making small talk, but then they unleash what I assume is their turbo level of banter. One of the guys is quite short, so they have bought him a gift. What could the gift be? What would result in maximum banter for the cameras which are recording at all times? A PAIR OF BOOTS WITH A SMALL HEEL, YOU IDIOT! How hilarious. These Essex boys, they sure know how to have a good time. If you are having a party, you should definitely invite them because they are banter personified, truly. If you are a business person looking for a cheeky influencer to give discount codes on Snapchat, look no further. These boys have an insatiable thirst for banter. Get them on board immediately!
Two young rapscallions went on a date in a helicopter, then had an entire restaurant to themselves to make out
I don't know or care these people are, I just need to know what teeth whitening kits they are using. The male (that's the one on the left) brought the female blindfolded in his smart car to an airport. They then got a helicopter ride over Essex because they all have a serious horn for Essex. After looking at their hometown from a higher vantage point than usual, the pair ate dinner in an empty restaurant which were assured was rented out, but I'm still skeptical. Midway through their grub, the male signalled the waiter to bring over something. It was a plate of cocktail sausages. This is not a joke. The female was surprised and told him "I don't really eat them anymore", which was funny but also raised multiple questions that I won't get into here because the word count is already too high. They finished dinner by having a kiss. What type of kiss do you have in a restaurant, empty or not? Just a quick peck over the table I would've assumed. But not The Teeth. No, The Teeth are the kind of couple that really go for it. Mrs Teeth hopped up on Mr Teeth's lap and they proper went for it. What a strange show.
A Summary Of What I Learned:
- Black Rebel Motorcycle Club have had a rough time of it
- People from Essex really love Essex
- Essex is home to the most teeth per square kilometre than anywhere else in the world
- You must dress up to go down to the kitchen if you live in Essex
- A sleuth is not a sloth, nor is a sloth a bear
- You can drive a smart car now and nobody will make fun of you??
- Your friendships are fake unless you've seen each others' buttholes
- A sick prank is to buy your short friend a pair of shoes with a small heel
- There is another way aside from Essex and it is infinitely better
- Every day we stray further and further from God's light
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