Our ancestors fought in the war for this.
It has recently come to my attention that there is currently a programme on television whereby someone selects a potential suitor based on the appearance of their naked body.
The premise is extremely 2017 and I’m excited to see if I can further my findings on humanity by watching an episode.
What follows is a selection of my findings. Some had to be omitted because they were simply too #woke for public consumption.
It’s hard to imagine being so dissatisfiedly single that you would put your naked body on the telly
This is on par with the kind of people that decide to go on Embarrassing Bodies when they’ve got a medical condition so rare that they feel the only way to tackle it is by publicly showing it to a celebrity doctor on telly. What has happened in these peoples’ lives that has led them to this point? It’s 2017. We can make eggs in the microwave in mere minutes for fuck sake. There’s got to be another way to find someone to love you. We have apps, websites, nightclubs, even Twitter DMs. You do not need to get naked on the telly.
The participants are all really young too. There’s no need to panic about being single when you’re 23, you have plenty of time to get your act together. Start worrying about that shit when you’re 65, but only if all your friends are off getting married and you start to feel a bit lonely. Otherwise, live your damn life. We’re here for a good time, not for a long time. Your naked form will be far more amusing in your late 60s anyway, and you stand a far better chance of being turned into a meme after your appearance on Naked Attraction when you’re old and carefree. Follow ur dreams, etc.
Five minutes and thirty-three seconds into the show, I have seen 6 (SIX) penises
The girl who is choosing a mate by their naked body is treated to an exposé of the male anatomy, whereby the colourful boxes they’re standing in all lift up halfway so that she can get a good old look at their dicks. It was a giddy moment, as my co-workers nearby were glued to the screen and I had to explain that this was genuinely work for me and that I am glad to have studied so hard for a Masters degree to get me to this particular point in my life.
Gemma critiqued all six penises, with one of the obliging gentlemen even lifting his out of the way so that she could get a good look at his balls. At this point, I began to wonder about humanity. We’ve come a long way, and although we’re living in uncertain times post-Brexit, perhaps the larger issue we needed to be facing as a country is peoples’ desire to get naked on the telly. It’s a similar mindset that a football match streaker shares, whereby they seek power through displaying their anatomy. There’s an interesting study in there, if anyone would like to undertake it.
They referred to the bottom of the bum cheeks as ‘the smile’
Admittedly, this gave me a hearty laugh amidst a sea of distressing content. I see it now, my eyes have been opened. The bottom of bum cheeks actually does look like a smile. If we go a little further, the two back dimples that everyone has (not visible above), combined with the bum crack and smile completes a face. Now, when someone says ‘Watch your back’, we are all within our rights to reply ‘I always do’ because there is a literal face on our backsides and it has been there for quite some time.
I’ve changed my mind about Naked Attraction, it’s actually very educational. So far, I’ve learned that some people are desperately single, you can see six penises in five minutes if you look in the right place, and also I now know that bum cheeks make a cute little smiley face. Truly, every day is indeed a school day.
Watching the contestants hug whilst trying not to touch genitals is the best part of the show
When the clothed contestant eliminates a naked one based solely on the appearance of his dick, there’s a quick chat together in front of the remaining flaccid five penises, then they say their goodbyes. The naked guy will instigate a hug, forgetting that his penis is hanging out wild and free down there. Generally, the girl will bend over, forming a large angle so that she’s bending over the penis rather than grazing it off her body. “That is a disgusting eliminated penis, get the heck away from me”, she will say.
This raises a solid question about boundaries in the modern age. When someone instigates a hug, is it absolutely necessary to indulge them? Personally, I’m not much of a hugger. I prefer a stern handshake or a cordial nod. Hugging, especially in public spaces, is awkward and unnecessary. Do the eliminated contestants really need to go in for a hug, especially since their exposed bodies are going to involve an intense amount of touching off the clothed ones? I feel not, but it’s not my place to say.
Tattoos have gone too far
As a special treat, we get to see even more of these naked bodies as the show goes on. The screen the boys are concealed by slowly lifts up to reveal the torso, at which point we can really get to know these naked bodies. Tattoos, piercings, bizarre hair management techniques and several other bodily quirks begin to show themselves. For me, it’s the tattoos that create most intrigue. I always find them fascinating and enjoy hearing the stories behind peoples’ decisions to permanently ink their bodies.
But I feel at liberty to express my controversial feelings that tattoos have gone too far. A man has got ‘Mum’s cooking’ engraved on his chest forever more. That’s not going anywhere. Unless his Mum is Delia Smith or Nigella Lawson, I refuse to believe that it is so damn tasty that it merits being immortalised as a tattoo. I could be jumping to conclusions, perhaps that’s the name of his indie band that the lead singer from Kasabian once referred to as ‘shit’, or a childhood book that was truly special to him. But if it’s simply to commemorate his mother’s culinary skills, couldn’t he just tell her to her face that it’s nice?
I didn’t think there was anything more embarrassing than being naked on the telly, but then I saw a man wearing a hairband whilst naked on the telly
Bryn was eliminated second because Gemma didn’t like that he seemed to be smaller than the rest of the lads. That’s smaller in height, nothing to do with his penis (allegedly). When we finally got to see Bryn’s face, I was shocked to see that he was proudly wearing a hairband. Not just a regular hairband, one of those double strength ones for even the most unkempt of hairstyles. It was an instant epiphany, I achieved clarity in that exact moment. Being naked on the telly isn’t actually that embarrassing.
We’ve all seen a naked person before, whether in real life, in a shitty sex ed schoolbook, in a movie or on the internet, they’re out there. We shouldn’t be afraid of our most basic form. Animals are naked all the time and they’re not in the least bit ashamed. I’ve had cats proudly display their buttholes to me more times than I’ve had lukewarm dinners. As an ever-evolving species, we need to band together and desensitise each other from being embarrassed by our naked bodies. Instead, let’s shame men that wear double-strength hairbands.
Penis appearance didn’t bear any influence on Gemma’s final decision, which is good news for ugly penis holders
Gemma heroically whittled it down to two final boys after having a good look at their penises and also faces. Then, in a cruel twist that I genuinely did not see coming, she had to take her clothes off and reveal her naked form to the contestants. At this point, the only person wearing clothes was the presenter and she somehow looked like the odd one out because 2017 is a wild ride. After Gemma got naked, they all had a quick chat and she chose the guy that was slightly less good looking but significantly less of an arsehole.
The defeated lad smugly walked away with his wang swinging in the studio breeze, and Gemma revealed that her suitor just seemed like a very nice guy. She made no remark about his penis, which wasn’t quite as pronounced as the other guy’s, but that’s fine. In the end, personality prevailed, rendering the entire premise for the show completely pointless. Gemma and her new man were still together six weeks later and seemed to still like each other fully clothed. In conclusion, this show is literally and metaphorically nuts.
All images via Channel 4
