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13th October 2017
02:33pm BST
Some say the font is the spookiest thing about this movie and they're absolutely correct. Although 1980 was worlds apart from now regarding technology, this title card screams of Microsoft Paint and that is simply unacceptable. The leading is offensively close and the kerning is uncomfortably tight, particularly between the 1 and 3. Whose decision was it to etch the 'th' on the actual 3? It's a bold move and further adds to the unacceptability of the piece. What about the drop shadow from the number 3? The light is coming from the same side as the viewpoint. IT IS A MESS. Although I wasn't alive in 1980, I can't imagine I would've liked this at the time, nor do I now.
A literal sexual assault takes place within the first 9 minutes
Hollywood :) After bursting into a café looking for directions to Camp Crystal Lake, a young girl is offered a lift by a pervy old man. First, he inquires as to whether all the girls at camp will look as good as her, then assists her in getting into his truck by placing both his hands firmly on her bottom. Considering the week Hollywood has had, this is disturbing. In 1980 people probably didn't have to lock their front doors because the world was a safer place, so getting a lift with a complete stranger wasn't hugely out of the ordinary. If one ass grab equalled one lift to your destination in 1980, perhaps due to inflation we're looking at three ass grabs in 2017? I hate everything.
This is what men wore whilst doing manual labour in 1980 apparently
"I'll be back soon honey, just heading out into the garden topless with some tight denim jean shorts, ankle socks, boots and a bandana around my neck", is probably what you would've heard at home in 1980 as this ludicrous movie suggests. What follows this scene is three teens assisting this man in toppling over the tree stump which has very clearly already been uprooted. None of the teens were perturbed by this man's attire, which is indeed as spooky as you would expect from a scary movie.
One of the teens had a definite boner and nobody said anything about it
The camera swooped from his feet right up to the bulge which I assumed was establishing a major plot point of the movie. However, it transpired that the clear boner had nothing to do with the movie and was perhaps an oversight in post-production. In 2017, you couldn't get away with having an accidental hard-on during a movie because you would turn into an instant meme and thereby become immortalised and inducted into the Meme Hall Of Fame. These punks are lucky nobody knew how to screengrab back then.
The special effects were pretty much non-existent, but the makeup was decent
Aside from the fake skin directly above this girl's nose being an entirely different shade to the rest of her face, it does legitimately appear as though she has been axed in the head. That's a tough thing to pull off, as evidenced by the absolute shitshow of Halloween costumes we all witness every year that usually consists of a hairband that makes it seem like a knife is absolutely not piercing through someone's skull. Well done Friday The 13th makeup person, you did well at a time when tight jean shorts on Dads were a thing.
The teens were all extremely horny, but their technological restrictions inspired some impressive creativity
Their days spent at Camp Blood, as it was affectionately known, mostly involved finding a quiet spot where they could mash their genitalia together. The ones that didn't have a designated fellow genitalia masher tried their utmost to get a good seeing to, by altering a game as wholesome as Monopoly to involve stripping. In 2017 this is also quite true. Teens are horny maybe even more so now, except they don't have to resort to board games with a kinky twist, they can just send pictures of their bits to each other for free.
This film might be the origin of single white females doing dumb things in horror movies
Realistically, it's not. But if you ever watched a horror movie and didn't scream 'DON'T DO THAT YOU FUCKING IDIOT WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT DON'T FOLLOW THE NOISE', have you ever really watched a horror movie at all? It's as if the main requirement of a woman in a scary film is to put herself in harm's way, even to this very day. If you hear a noise outside, maybe don't go out alone in the dead of night in your nightwear prime for a good old-fashioned murder. It's like telling your Granny you haven't eaten all day, you're asking for trouble.
Hairstyles have come a long way and we should be very thankful for that
It is an unmitigated crime that the inventor of hair straighteners hasn't been awarded a Nobel Prize yet. All you have to do is look back at this movie and see the injustices which befell hair to respect how far we've come. These hairstyles would've been professionally achieved. A designated person, perhaps two, were employed to complete the results seen above. That's as good as it got at the time. Sure, the movie isn't about hairstyles, but they're distracting and often take away from the other elements of horror that are unfolding.
Fight scenes have also come a long way since 1980
It's hard to decipher in the above image, but that is a decapitated body raising its arms up in disgust. Anatomical logistics aside, this outcome followed a very awkward battle between an elderly woman and an assumed teenage girl. They tried to off each other for the bones of ten minutes, failing to stab each other with a broken oar, hurling frying pans to the head, etc. It was quite clear that both actresses were trying very hard not to injure each other, which is heartwarming but again takes you completely out of the movie. SpoooOOOOOOOooooky consideration for your fellow actor's wellbeing is no longer present in 2017.
The jump scare at the end is some of the finest movie work I have ever seen in my entire life
Sincerely. I didn't see it coming. All was well. The bad lady had been killed and the teen rewarded herself with a quick nap in a canoe until the authorities instinctively arrived even though no one contacted them. They were about to take her to safety, but suddenly a gross little creature popped up out of the water and dragged her down. I jolted. It frightened the life out of me. In 1980, they knew how to scare the shit out of an audience and that's kind of something that's almost been lost now. We're too smart for our own good and always manage to work out that something's going to happen. Mad respect, I was scared.
The second twist was also amazing and I now take back everything bad I said before because Friday The 13th is terrific
She's alive! The girl whose name I didn't bother to learn is alive! She wakes up in the hospital to learn that they didn't find anyone else in the lake. Did she hallucinate being dragged under the water? Did she imagine the whole thing? Is she ever going to let those bangs grow out? I don't know. You're left with a lot of questions at the end of the movie, none of which are 'What the fuck did I just watch?', which is usually a good sign. They knew their way around a good horror movie finale twist in 1980, I'll give them that. Well done Friday The 13th, you were a bit cringe but overall an enjoyable film, even in 2017.
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