Five important things we learned from last night's Celebrity Big Brother
In an unprecedented turn of events, last night's Celebrity Big Brother saw the housemates turning the place into a fully functioning butcher shop. They were given some training in rudimentary butchery techniques, then tasked with making a profit off a small selection of various meats.
Much to the surprise of everyone, the housemates had a terrific morning of sales, running out of all their meat supply by midday. Unfortunately, they hadn't broke even with profits, so sacrificed Jonny and slaughtered him, selling his human meat at a reasonable markup. They passed the task, hurrah!
In reality, it was a standard episode of CBB, topped off with some live face-to-face nominations.
Here's five important things we can take away from the spectacle that unfolded.
1. Jonny's choice of sauna hairstyle was a crime against humanity and deserves severe punishment
Jonny, Dapper Laughs and Andrew were relaxing in the sauna, chatting about typical LAD stuff, such as which girl they would most like to bone. Then Jonny, out of nowhere, decided to fashion himself a new hairstyle which consisted of raising his locks to a height of approximately 10cm off his head.
Shortly after the look was debuted, armed forces burst into the sauna, arresting Jonny and sentencing him to a life behind bars for displaying such a disgraceful hairstyle on national television. He's been refused bail and will not appear in court until he undergoes a psychological evaluation.
2. Andrew gave approximately zero shits about Dapper Laughs' new movie
Dapper decided to inform the CBB house that he's got a new comedy horror movie coming out. It's called 'Fanged Up', not that the title was enough to grip Andrew, who was in a deep sleep the entire time during Daniel's painfully detailed explanation.
This left Shane from Boyzone to take the reigns and muster up a small amount of interest to entertain Daniel's story. Even Ginuwine was so bored that he decided to link fingers with Ashley. Dapper kept going, truly believing that he was captivating the room, sharing tales of a movie that will likely go straight to VHS.
3. Shane L's future as a backing singer in Boyzone remains firmly intact
This is a polite way of saying that the man cannot sing for love nor money, but it's important to point out that he's still A Nice Guy. During the talent show portion of last night's CBB, Shane L was first up, and he performed a rousing rendition of the hit song 'No Matter What', with accompanying lyrics printed out because he cannot remember them.
Could he hit the high notes? Heck no. Could he hit the low notes? Heck no. Could he hit anything? No. But he's a good guy so it's absolutely fine. The housemates helped him out, which was a generous act of charity and one we're unlikely to see the likes of again. Taking the positives from the situation, Shane's future is extremely secure as the Louis Tomlinson of Boyzone.
4. Jonny legitimately asked Rachel if she wanted to see his Johnson
Given that Jonny has no discernible talent other than being able to break the heart of Queen Camilla Thurlow, his act involved chatting up Rachel, Maggie and Ann. Things got off to a flying start when Jonny professed "I'm no Boris, but would you like to see my Johnson?".
On a practical level, this quip made no sense since Boris is Rachel's brother, so declaring that he isn't Boris but asking whether she's still interested implies that Rachel would be interested in seeing Boris' Johnson. He then said "I know you're a journalist, it might give you something to worry about". Ironically, it has given me something to write about, so now I need to reevaluate every single one of my life choices :)
5. Ann goaded Malika into roasting her during nominations because she is a savage
In a juicy twist, the girls had to give their nominations face-to-face, live on television. Malika named Ann as her first nominee, citing that she felt everyone was torturing her with their rowdy behaviour. Ann instantly disputed that it was not a valid reason and Big Brother agreed, meaning Malika had to provide further reasoning.
It was reminiscent of a Comedy Central Roast, as Ann sat there goading Malika into destroying her character. There was a glint in her eyes that suggested she wanted blood. Ann Widdecombe hates CBB, so you almost have to admire her determination to spoil it for everyone. Regardless, those in favour of CBB turning into a daily roast, say 'aye'.
Images via Channel 5