Five important things we learned from last night's Celebrity Big Brother
Goodness did we get our arses handed to us during last night's Celebrity Big Brother. It all kicked off.
Shane L performed a devastating rap about the consequences of entertaining climate change deniers and giving them platforms to share their dangerous views, then lit himself on fire whilst chanting 'The climate will put the fire out'. He emerged unharmed, professing himself to be the second coming of Christ.
In reality, it was a standard episode which consisted of some bickering, some bantering and a small amount of boozing.
Here's five things we can all take away from last night's spectacle.
1. India once felt a sexual attraction towards a Dalek on Christmas Day
Rachel, Alma off Coronation Street and India were chatting about India's sex life after her operation, when she revealed she's certain that it all works because of the Doctor Who special on Christmas Day. She was watching the show and felt a 'fluttery twinge' when a Dalek came on screen, much to the amusement of Rachel and Alma.
Doctor Who is responsible for delighting fans worldwide since its arrival in 1963, so it's heartwarming to hear that the show provides joy to all in many ways right up to the present day. It also begs the question, are Daleks capable of love and all that comes with it? *Calls Louis Theroux immediately with a pitch that is guaranteed to define his career*.
2. Jonny off Love Island thinks moonwalking consists of stepping backwards very quickly
In a task that was literally copied and pasted from Would I Lie To You?, the boys were given a statement and each had to prove how it applied specifically to them. On this occasion, someone had a secret talent of being able to dance like Michael Jackson and the boys each needed to convince the girls that it was them.
When it was Jonny's turn to prove his worth, he threw out some disturbing shoulder twitches, followed by taking precisely six steps backwards in quick succession. First he breaks Camilla Thurlow's heart, now he destroys the sanctity of Michael Jackson's moonwalk on national television. The man is trash. We must cancel Jonny Mitchell immediately.
3. Ann Widdicombe hates everything and everyone, and refuses to hide it
Truly, this woman is having the worst experience of her entire life at present. Every time the housemates have a discussion that covers anything other than Disney Princesses, they all openly apologise to Ann for having the audacity to carry out normal adult conversations.
Ann then grimaces, sighs and makes her discomfort known to all. It's impossible to work out why she's gone into the CBB house in the first place if she is a firm detester of anything resembling fun. Aside from the fact that she's reportedly getting £100k to be there, it doesn't make any sense. Actually no, that's a bargain. Case closed.
4. Andrew is somehow a better looking woman than he is a man
Shane J gave Andrew off The Apprentice a makeover and, credit where it's due, he makes a terrific looking woman. He's an attractive man, but once he applies an industrial amount of makeup, 5kg of glitter and a lightly curled platinum blonde wig, Andrew becomes a stunning lady.
The highlight of last night's show was undoubtedly the sound effects that Andrew provided as he was taping and subsequently untaping his junk, which was akin to the noises you're likely to hear on a maternity ward at any given time. Evidently, all of his struggles were worth it as the finished product, known as Becky Swollocks, was a vision to behold.
5. Alma off Coronation Street served us a very accurate depiction of A Bedtime Look
The more senior members of the house had retired to the bedroom and were swiftly joined by Mallika after some ructions kicked off in the living room. Regardless of what was going on outside, Alma was ready for bed, propped upright in an oversized shirt with the collar popped, complete with a toddler's hairstyle and an exhausted expression.
Amidst a sea of expertly make-upped faces, perfectly palatable personalities, specially selected outfits and award winning hairstyles, it was refreshing to see an accurate depiction of every household's inhabitants up and down the country at bedtime. Add several splodges of spot cream and what we've got here is perfection.
All images via Channel 5