Five essential things we learned from last night's Celebrity Big Brother
Boy oh boy did we have lift off in the Celebrity Big Brother house last night.
Ann Widdicombe revealed that she had smuggled a large amount of narcotics into the house, so the contestants all gathered round the kitchen table and consumed all of the drugs. There was paracetamol, antihistamines, antibiotics, even cough syrup. Everyone was high as a kite.
Big Brother reprimanded the housemates, forcing them to write 'We will not take drugs in the Big Brother house' 8,000 times each. It was a bloodbath, with more than half of the celebrities getting hand cramps and blisters. In the end, Ofcom intervened and put a stop to it all.
Back on planet reality, it was another standard episode of CBB last night.
Here's five gravely important things we learned.
1. Malika is a terrific liar
Ann was in the bathroom getting her hair cut by Malika when it was revealed to the world that Malika Haqq, best friend of Khloe Kardashian, is an impeccable liar. She was combing through Ann's locks when she declared "you have the perfect hairstyle for you and your face... it looks really good".
Is that a fair assessment to make? Is Ann Widdecombe's hair perfect for her face? I'm inclined to go with no. She could do with freshening things up a bit, maybe adding a couple of multicolour streaks, a few layers, potentially a perm. Things are looking stale and Malika is a liar. Do not trust this woman.
2. Ginuwine's real name is ELGIN LUMPKIN!!!!
If you were tasked with naming a character that is a complete dork, the name Elgin Lumpkin wouldn't even grace your thought process because it is at an unattainable level of perfection that no one on earth is worthy of landing on. Suddenly 'Ginuwine' doesn't seem quite so ridiculous now that we know what life was like for this man before he devised such a brave moniker.
Elgin Lumpkin. An anagram of Elgin Lumpkin is 'Likening plum'. So that's an important thing to keep in mind for the rest of the series every time Ginuwine appears on screen. Elgin Lumpkin. LOL. Forget about your grievances with the man spelling 'genuine' catastrophically incorrectly and focus all your attention on the name Elgin Lumpkin from this moment on.
3. Andrew considers making condom balloons to be a prank
Andrew and Malika were given a secret task which involved manipulating their fellow housemates to see which gender is the best at it. One of the facets of the task involved doing a prank, which Malkia nailed by flirting with Jonny. This is a good prank because nobody in their right mind would ever flirt with Jonny after what he did to sweet, innocent Queen Camilla Thurlow during Love Island.
Andrew, on the other hand, decided to prank nobody in particular by blowing up some condoms with the help of Jonny and Shane J. Truly, this is not it prank. It is a fun afternoon activity and should not be entertained as anything other than that.
4. It's been ten days and Ashley is already washing Ginuwine's knickers
They have known each other for a total of 240 hours and already Ashley is taking it upon herself to see to the washing of Ginuwine's knickers. She was caught scurrying from the pantry through the kitchen and forced to explain herself as the girls caught a glimpse of Ginuwine's smalls in her washing pile.
Ashley offered up a weak excuse involving lies about how the stuff was just resting in the washer, but anyone that's seen Father Ted will know that to be the oldest trick in the book. She ended the discussion by saying "I'm not his wife yet", which obviously resulted in hysterics. One day she well could be Mrs. Elgin Lumpkin and it will be a dream come true.
5. Andrew and Courtney already have a secret handshake, so now they're basically married
To reiterate, we're ten days deep at this stage. Friendships are forming, romances are blossoming and secret handshakes are being devised. Last night, Andrew and Courtney decidedly sat in the bathroom and worked out a secret handshake and were visibly smitten with their efforts.
In the animal kingdom, a handshake is as good as a lifetime commitment to a mate, so applying this to the Celebrity Big Brother house, Andrew and Courtney are basically married now. It's a beautiful thing. They make a gorgeous couple and we wish them the very best for the future.
Images via Channel 5