Five deeply uncomfortable moments from last night’s Survival of the Fittest

Episode 9.

Sweet divine, how long does this series last? Anything more than four episodes is far too much and we need to look at getting in touch with Ofcom. During last night's instalment of Survival of the Fittest, things really kicked off. Surprisingly, there was bitching, backstabbing and The Whitmore. But what were the most uncomfortable moments?, I hear you asking. Relax, I've broken them down so you don't have to sit through 45 minutes of heartache.

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1. It was revealed that these sick individuals keep their Cheerios in an urn What the hell kind of reality television show is this? They're storing their Cheerios in an urn. An urn that has a little teaser window at the bottom, so its users can have a sneak peek at what's inside. This is a sick design for an urn. Urns typically act as receptacles for cremated corpses, so reading between the lines here, are Cheerios the cremated corpses of the letter 'O'? Survival of the Fittest is a sick television show and I urge you to join me in boycotting it until tomorrow when I have to write about this soul-destroying programme again.   2. Tristan was disproportionately excited to learn that the boys would be heading off for some "boy time" The man pretty much lost his mind after receiving a text on his watch (hello 2018, pleased to meet you). The text informed him that the boys would be spending some precious time together to give the girls a chance to prepare for their upcoming elimination task. Tristan looked utterly demented as he yelped in the kitchen, then danced all the way to the diary room as everyone looked on in amusement. Has he ever received legitimate good news before? Did he shit himself? Because that is the only logical step up from the above display. Calm down, son.   3. The lads instinctively adopted a boyband formation down by the lake Truly they are destined for greatness (a joint appearance on Soccer AM and then nightclub appearances for the next 8 months after their Survival of the Fittest commitments wrap up). Look how they guys in the background have seductively draped themselves over the rockery, keeping one leg bent as a sign of power while the other leg soaks up the South African sun. These gentlemen are what peak performance looks like. It might be uncomfortable to look at, but the above image is what real men look like in 2018.   4. The 'Survival Challenge' was the most boring mechanic we're ever likely to see on our TV screens Lottie and Georgia were fighting FOR THEIR LIVES, just kidding, they were fighting to stay on this godforsaken show. The task involved the girls setting an hourglass, then balancing along a narrow beam and setting another one. The first one that fails to reach their hourglass before it runs out of sand is the loser. What's fun about this mechanic is that it could well have been invented in the 8th Century because that's roughly how long it felt like it lasted. A far better idea would've been to have these girls lip syncing for their lives.   5. David was face painted as half a zebra for the party There was an animal themed party to celebrate Lottie's successful escape from the lodge, but the face paint left a lot to be desired. Most of the contestants had a few leopard prints dotted on their faces, but for some reason, David looked like precisely one half of a zebra. Why didn't they just paint the entire face? Why are his lips black but not connected to any other face painted area? The lodge is in crisis. These people have lost their minds. They're putting Cheerios in urns and using hourglasses for sport. They must be stopped before they do some real harm to the sanctity of British reality television.    

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Images via ITV