Five deeply important things we learned from last night's CBB
Celebrity Big Brother - Day 28.
Deep breaths, we're almost there.
It's the final week of Celebrity Big Brother and frankly, the finale can't come quick enough.
Last night's episode saw a variety of deeply mundane things happening, such as Shane Lynch revealing that he collects potato peelers from around the world. We'll have more on this breaking news story as we get it.
Meanwhile, here's five vitally important things we learned from last night's CBB.
1. Ashley came up with a poem so bad that it made Malika cry
To be fair, it was a very standard poem. Ashley rhymed words like 'musketeer' and 'here', and the whole thing seemed to be aimed at provoking some sort of emotional response out of Malika. Was Malika crying because the poem was beautiful, or was she crying because it was an incredibly poor piece of work for a 30-year-old woman to produce, having had 28 days to come up with it?
Malika's tears were plentiful and seemed genuine. For the correct answer, we need to look deep inside ourselves. Has a poem ever moved you to tears? I'm talking about a proper poem, written by a poet. If the answer is yes, keep playing. Is it possible, in this case, that a reality television star's poetry could also move you to tears, if you too were a reality television star and legitimate friend of a Kardashian? Would it heck. The poem was garbage.
2. Shane from Boyzone collects potato peelers in his spare time
Boyzone sold over 13 million records in the UK alone, so it's right to assume that the boyz are now living the high life in a comfortable retirement setup. Sure, the days of booze, drugs, strippers and reasonably priced Freddos might be behind them, but that doesn't mean they don't still indulge in a bit of mischief from time to time.
Shane Lynch confirmed all suspicions last night when he revealed that he is now the proud owner of a vast collection of potato peelers. Feeding directly into the Irish stereotype, Shane has potato peelers from all around the world, which he then uses rather than displaying them in some sort of weird fetish act. Rock and roll isn't dead, it's just peeling potatoes with a variety of peelers from around the world.
3. Ann was incredibly excited to see Courtney, as always
Ann Widdecombe welcomed Courtney with open arms, such is the progressive and accepting person that we've all come to know and love. At the first sight of Shane J transforming himself into Courtney Act, Ann jumped out of her seat in support and admiration for this brave display of individuality.
She ensured there was plenty of space for Courtney on the couch, offered to fetch her a cushion for added comfort, fluffed her hair so it was looking flawless, complimented Courtney's makeup and outfit, then settled into an enjoyable evening filled with respectful discussion and acceptance for all. Just kidding, she sighed like a spoiled child and did her utmost to make everyone around feel as uncomfortable as possible because she is a horrible person who has never experienced a genuine human emotion.
4. Ann refused to sing 'Slam your body down and wind it all around'
The soulless wench has gone too far this time. She's caused uproar for everyone in the house since she arrived and now Ann Widdecombe has gone way out of line. She has disrespected the lyrical prowess of The Spice Girls and I, nor anyone else, won't stand for it a moment longer. The practically Shakespearean output of 'Slam your body down and wind it all around' deserves the utmost respect.
Ann Widdecombe is not worthy of allowing such lyrical genius to pass through her mouth. She can protest all she likes, but it's a guaranteed fact that The Spice Girls were doing the same thing in their various mansions around the country. The feeling was very much mutual, Ann. You do not get to sing such meaningful words if you do not show them the respect they deserve. Off you pop. Go sing some hymns if necessary.
5. Destiny's Child have aged poorly
Just kidding guys! If you look very closely, you will see that it's not Destiny's Child at all. It is simply three of this year's Celebrity Big Brother contestants. They don't have the budget for the real Destiny's Child. Hahaha fooled you so hard, you should've seen the look on your face. That is Alma off Coronation Street, a Kardashian's friend and Shane from Boyzone.
You are so gullible, honestly. But while I have you, remember that time a lady just full on threw a cat into a wheelie bin? That was nuts. Anyway, have a nice day and remember, reality television is slowly turning our brains to mush. Also, RIP journalism :)
All images via Channel 5