Five deeply cringe moments from last night’s Survival of the Fittest

Episode 2.

Folks, it is with a heavy heart I must report that this show isn't getting any better. Last night's episode was more Big Brother than Love Island and neither of those are particularly good options unless they are the exact genuine article. In a nutshell, nothing happened. They just arsed around the villa, two of them went for a drive and then someone got sent home. No tasks took place. No shoulders were injured. If Chris and Kem don't arrive by Thursday, I'm giving up. Here's five cringe moments that I suffered through and now so must you.

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1. Georgia was talking to herself for most of the evening As clearly evidenced in the above image, Georgia was talking to herself for a significant portion of last night's episode of Survival of the Fittest. It was bizarre to see, but we must accept these contestants for who they are, quirks and all. If Georgia chooses to talk and heavily flirt with herself, we must respect it. This show has brought in contestants from all walks of life and that's what makes it an interesting viewing experience. We're here solely to judge these people and make extremely tired jokes about camouflage. Got it? Good.   2. Surprisingly, nobody wanted to lick Callum's nips The gang were gathered around the pool, while some of the manliest men were proving their strength on a makeshift gym setup. Callum expressed some concern about his reluctance to join them in seeing who could pull themselves vertically on a pole for the longest, but the girls reassured him. Mariam told Callum that he had very firm arms, good abs and good nips. As anyone would respond in this situation, Callum then asked Mariam if she would like to lick his nips. Flabbergastingly, she declined the offer, as did Georgie. Poor Callum's unlicked nips.   3. Callum doesn't know what a rhino looks like Now I'm not an animal expert, but that's the wrong colour, shape and size to be a rhinoceros. Callum really let his intelligence, or lack thereof, show during a safari date with the new girl whose name I can't remember because the girls are all the exact same person anyway. Callum perked up and alerted her attention to what he believed was a rhino, but then quickly backtracked after some logic kicked in and he realised that it was closer to being a butternut squash than a rhino. Truly, where do they find these clowns?   4. Lottie thinks that the singular for rhinoceros is 'rhino' and the plural is 'rhinoceros' Callum and Lottie might be the best paired couple of all time. They're both confused about the name and appearance of rhinos and they're both Welsh. That's all it takes for love these days. I foresee marriage, children and a very public divorce with OK! Magazine getting the exclusive side to their story from both of them. It's 2018 and Survival of the Fittest has somehow managed to round up the dumbest people in Britain, we must commend them for finding such peaches as Lottie and Callum.   5. Tia wore a fur coat in 30°C heat and somehow didn't pass out The contestants on this show are covered in sweat all day long, which suggests that either they all have generalised hyperhidrosis, or it's very warm in South Africa at present. Why, in this case, would Tia then inflict the weighty insulation of a fur coat upon herself? Fashion goes clean out the window when you're too warm, that is simply the rule. You get as close to naked as is socially acceptable and just get on with it. Tia was then eliminated after landing herself in the bottom three from the public vote. The boys sent her home and it's reasonable to assume that this rested solely on her moronic decision to wear a fur coat when it's 30°C outside.    

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Images via ITV