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03rd May 2019

The Sonic director is changing Sonic because he doesn’t look enough like Sonic

Kyle Picknell

Please, whatever you do, don’t give Sonic a dick. Sonic doesn’t need a dick. Or maybe he does. I don’t know

Since the trailer for the Sonic the Hedgehog movie dropped a couple of days ago, his appearance has been under constant scrutiny by fans and critics alike, with the film industry’s demanding and quite frankly absurd body standards now being applied to the blue cartoon hedgehog in running shoes.

Unfortunately for this Sonic, the one that doesn’t look much like Sonic at all and has teeth for some reason, and maybe a slight bulge around the crotch region, his director has now agreed to cave in to the demands of the fans and alter the design of his central character before the film is actually released.

This is the current Sonic, a version of the famous SEGA hedgehog that looks as though he would come out of the forest to help Snow White with her housework:

And this is some fan art of what viewers actually want him to look like, more in line with the pixelated version we remember spluttering gold rings everywhere after accidentally jumping into a robotic crab:

As a result, Jeff Fowler, who is making his DIRECTORIAL DEBUT (!!!) with this Sonic movie, has responded on Twitter and promised fans that the current iteration will be amended accordingly and be made to, er, I don’t know, CONFORM WITH HOLLYWOOD’S OUTDATED, GENTRIFIED RULES OF WHAT IS AND ISN’T BEAUTIFUL.

Exhibit A, ladies and gentlemen, below. Some more fan art. This time, Sonic has been photoshopped to be far shorter, skinnier, and with a larger head and bigger, more masculine hands. What if Sonic likes his slightly chunkier thighs the way they are? Did you ever stop to think about that before you redesigned him, EdwardPun1? Did you? You didn’t, did you? Maybe Sonic just hit a new PB on the leg press and he’s really proud of himself. And now he’s got to shed all that hard-earned muscle mass because he doesn’t align with what you think an animated blue hedgehog from outer space should look like. You. Took. Away. His. Quads. And. Now. Skinny. Sonic. Is. Coming. To. Kill. You.

Exhibit B. This time from a Larry Bundy Jr. If that even is his real name. He says this alteration to Sonic would make him ten times more appealing. 10x. Ten. Times.

Oh, ok then, Larry. Let’s just remove a section of his nasion, right at the lowest point of his frontonasal suture, and join his fucking eyeballs up. And while we’re at it, let’s make the eyeballs themselves twice as big! How would you like it if someone redesigned you like that, Larry? My guess is that you wouldn’t like it at all. You wouldn’t like it one bit. Larry. Subtly brightening up his fur as well, smh. WE CAN’T ALL BE FUCKING GLOWING ALL THE TIME LIKE YOU, LARRY. SORRY.

Exhibit C, and my third and final point. Here is Dr Ivo ‘Eggman’ Robotnik. Come in Doctor. Take a seat. Nice to see you too. You’re looking well.

Now let me show you what Jim Carrey looks like in character as the above.

Is Sonic the real problem here, or do we need Jim Carrey to literally quadruple his entire body mass for this to work? Invest in the role Jim. Remember the Riddler? Well, this could be even better. This is Oscar potential, Jim. Put the hard yards in. It’ll be worth it. We can’t all be svelte, athletic Erinaceidae. Let’s get a real man’s body up there for all the world to see. Let’s change this world for the better, one realistic portrayal of a man’s natural curves at a time.