Sonic has ruined everything
As more images emerge from the upcoming Sonic The Hedgehog movie, things are slowly but determinedly descending into chaos.
Not only is Sonic, by some standards, a little bit too sexy in 2019, he also now has human teeth.
Good morning to absolutely everyone and everything other than live action Sonic the Hedgehog’s creepy human teeth xx pic.twitter.com/yJX6WPW7Li
— Alanah Pearce (@Charalanahzard) April 30, 2019
Whatever your feelings about the plausibility of an anthropomorphic blue hedgehog being capable of running at supersonic speed, we can all agree that this creature should not, under any circumstances, have human teeth as a default setting.
Yet here we are, trying to navigate our way through an unfamiliar world where Sonic the Hedgehog has passed through puberty and emerged more human-like than is comfortable. He doesn’t even seem to floss.
The only natural progression here is to ruin several other animated characters by giving them human teeth as well. If we’re going to destroy our childhoods, we might as well do it all in one fell swoop.
Shrek and Donkey with human teeth look like a couple of door-to-door religious recruiters who would like to tempt you into a life full of joy, happiness, serenity and a £39.99 monthly subscription to their newsletter.
Human-toothed Pikachu looks like a dentist’s assistant who has very clearly availed of the subsidised services available. A bi-monthly aggressive clean has become more of an obsession than a healthy concern. Unless a substantial amount of blood is drawn, Pikachu feels unclean.
Tigger and Winnie the Pooh are the loudest members of a stag do weekend. They’ve descended onto a quiet and secluded hotel resort, intermittently bursting into renditions of ‘Da na na na na, na na na na na, na na na na na’ (Planet Funk – Chase The Sun) and dropping empty beer cans as they please.
Arguably SpongeBob already had human teeth, given that sponges don’t typically grow teeth, but perfect-teethed SpongeBob looks like he’s really into politics and just sort of follows around a local MP to make it seem like he’s involved.
Tweety Bird with human teeth (and a voluptuous set of lips) looks like she’s going to find you the sexiest house available within your price range, as long as you’re willing to double your budget so that she can secure a hefty commission.
Lipless Stuart Little with added human teeth looks like he breathes very heavily and has an unhealthy fascination with gynaecology. He also says weird things in conversation that people just find it easier to ignore rather than question.
Straight-teethed Mufasa looks like he’s going to follow you around the club until you pay attention to his very weak patter which consists of “That’s a silly drink you’re drinking” and “Why don’t you take off your jacket, it’s warm”.
Lisa Simpson (with human teeth) has one of those lisps that’s very wet, it puts you on edge and makes you want to check your glasses for spatter after conversing with her. Also she has four teeth more than the average person, for some reason.
Peppa Pig with human teeth is the stuff of nightmares, frankly. Peppa Pig without human teeth is very much also the stuff of nightmares. She looks like she uses a lot of coupons in the supermarket and parks her car in the parent and child space even though the kids aren’t with her.
Nemo with human teeth looks identical to a girl I went to school with. She was a few years ahead, but every time I saw her I was transfixed by her lack of an upper lip. She just didn’t have one. Then one day I saw her Dad collecting this girl and he also didn’t have a top lip. So that was that.