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23rd October 2017
02:30pm BST
He was ringing some guy to let him know that he'd be going to judges' houses after another guy had to pull out of the show. Rather than simply bring him along with no explanation because it's not like anyone would've noticed anyway since they all look the same, there was a big dramatic phone call scene where Louis gave away his inability to act. Firstly, nobody uses a landline anymore and secondly, nobody holds the mouthpiece of a phone that far away from their face when they're speaking. Please can they just nip this in the bud and send Louis home before things go any further?
2. There was a really unsubtle plug for 3 Mobile and nobody knew how to react to it
After the girls were disgusted to arrive in Dublin (don't blame them tbh), Louis informed them that they would actually be heading to San Francisco. Out of nowhere, a strange man in a black t-shirt arrived on screen with a phone that had a massive 3 Mobile sticker on the back of it. In the precise tone of voice reserved solely for television adverts, he said "Now that you're going to San Francisco, here's a phone from 3 to call Sharon on when you arrive". It was as fluid as a bout of constipation, except with a bunch of holes in the premise. Why would they need to call Sharon? No one is under the illusion that she's going to physically be carpooling them from the airport herself.
3. Stormzy didn't have any pants on hahahahahahahahapleasekillmehahahaha
Hello, it's me, the most obvious joke to make when someone wears camouflage. This quip might have been funny when it was first invented during Adam and Eve's army phase, but it is no longer a source of humour, I know that. I would like to use this time to make a PSA, which is that camouflage jokes are no longer funny. If you see a camouflage jumper on a hanger in a clothes shop, no need to tweet '£25 for a coat hanger is ridiculous'. It's already been done to death. It's over. Say goodbye. That shitty joke will now RIP in peace.
4. Kelly Osbourne's dog tried to bite her hand off and showed no remorse whatsoever
Kelly and her brother Jack had just pulled up outside Sharon's house in an obnoxiously fancy sports car to an overwhelmingly indifferent response from the contestants. Their desperate efforts to seem cool and accomplished were hampered by Kelly's dog attempting to take a chunk out of her hand, then showing approximately zero remorse for his/her actions. It was a calculated effort and I applaud this valiant dog shedding a light on the falsifications that celebrities try to put out into the world. You don't wear a jazzy kimono every day Kelly, nor do you drive a fancy car everywhere.
5. Simon was wearing an abundance of holiday bracelets because he is a #very #cool #dude
In the ultimate act of 'Dad On Holiday', Simon Cowell decided to debut his wide range of bracelets for all the world to see. His shirt had a couple more buttons open than usual and his hair seemed to be devoid of any styling product. Those bracelets, all 37 of them, show a man at ease. He's in his comfort zone. This is the real Simon Cowell, not the stuffy old moan we're used to seeing at the audition stages of the show. Holiday Simon wears flip flops and Speedos. You'd be forgiven for thinking that this is a seasoned traveling man from the above image. Truly, the coolest of customers.
6. Simon Cowell showed an emotion?
He had just delivered the bad news to these girls that they would be going home. Ever the gentleman, Simon offered them all a stern handshake and conveyed his commiserations, which did little in the way of drying those poor girls' tears. Simon then turned to the camera and provided the expression above, which is a real rarity on The X Factor. It was intense, uncomfortable and deeply unnecessary. Simon wouldn't be able to recall all six of those girls' names today if his life depended on it. He was not heartbroken. This is business.
7. One guy was freaking out because he got to eat dinner with Louis Walsh
Simmer down lad, it's not like he's one of The Jackson 5. Jack here was tripping balls over the fact that he got to break bread with a 65-year-old Mayo man, meanwhile some of his fellow contestants were off taking a safari with Stormzy in their stride. Clearly Jack is being lined up as the novelty act this year who loses the run of himself each time a mediocre celebrity crosses his path. He said that having dinner with Louis Walsh would definitely be going on his CV, which is sure to secure him the job if that job is 'Most Easily Impressed Person Of All Time And Also Very Uncool'.
8. Louis Walsh appeared on a balcony to wave to his loyal subjects because he is the Pope now
Pope Louis XIV delighted crowds in Istanbul when he emerged onto a balcony to give an unnecessarily large wave. That crowd consisted of six people, all of whom he had flown there specifically to meet and sing for him. We're at a critical stage in The X Factor where it's been running for 14 series and they're constantly trying to drum up some scandal to retain viewers' attention. Louis Walsh appointing himself as Pope is a ballsy move, but it will be interesting to see how it pans out. We wish him the best of luck.
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