Week 5 – Lord Sugar’s Birthday.
Last night’s episode was pretty lacklustre in comparison with previous weeks, mostly because a large portion of the task saw the contestants in the back seat of a car making phone calls in between their incessant bickering.
All they had to do was purchase eight items at a reasonable price, then return to the House of Lords by 7pm. It wasn’t difficult.
Regardless, they still somehow managed to make a mess of everything and Lord Sugar was extremely generous to fire only one of them.
Here are eight cringe things that we had to uncomfortably sit through.
1. The contestants all had to squeeze themselves into tiny classroom chairs
In what is sure to be Lord Sugar’s most sinister move to date, he had the teams meet him at his old primary school. After informing the troops that they would be getting a bunch of things for his 70th birthday, Lord Sugar allowed them to disperse into classrooms complete with kid-sized furniture, perfect for any business meeting. The undeniable highlight was seeing Claude Littner shuffling himself into what was very clearly the naughty seat.
2. One of the sub teams went to a Turkish supermarket to find Jewish food
It doesn’t take an expert to work out that a Turkish supermarket is unlikely to be the source of all or any of your Jewish food requirements. 98% of the population of Turkey are Muslims, so the odds are instantly against all morons at this point. But these aren’t just any morons, they’re The Apprentice morons. A special breed of moron. A more morony moron than we’ve ever seen before. To the surprise of nobody, the supermarket was full of Turkish food.
3. James celebrated being right about something by displaying this awkward hand dance
Truly, this is the most cringe thing we’ve seen on The Apprentice for quite some time. The team were debating what ‘rugelach’ meant. When a man on the phone told them that it was indeed a type of Jewish cake, James put on the most unbecoming display of satisfaction, as evidenced above. It’s a cross between someone trying to get a barman’s attention and a teen attempting to dance halfheartedly at their first disco. For this reason alone, James should’ve been fired last night.
4. They went to some Jewish guy’s house and he tried to sell them a scarf for £500
When they were buying some baked goods, James chanced his arm and asked the bakery owner if he had a Tottenham Hotspur scarf. He joked that he had one at home, then they ended their exchange. James later rang that guy, who then directed them to his friend for a scarf and the guy turned out to be a fucking hoot. He showed them the first scarf and demanded £500, the second was £200 and they knocked him from £50 to £30 for the final one. It was glorious to watch a man’s greed dictate the entire situation with three hopeless business people.
5. Charles’ boardroom tie looked like a pixellated Barney
Having never actually been on The Apprentice before, I’m pretty sure the only thing that’s in your control when you enter the boardroom is your appearance. Ideally, you’re going to want to slip under the radar with neutral clothing to avoid getting fired. However, Charles decided to make a bold statement with his tie, subliminally drawing attention to him whether he deserved it or not. If you’re going to look like pixellated Barney, you sure as shit better win the task, Charles.
6. Harrison legitimately used “London is a big place” as an excuse
After learning that they had lost the task, Lord Sugar immediately got to grilling Sajan’s team. As sub team leader, Harrison was in the firing line because he made a complete balls of the few jobs he was given, but then offered up the excuse “London is a big place”, which was met with absolutely no sympathy whatsoever. Yes, Harrison. London is a big place, the sky is blue, ice is cold and Steps should never have broken up. These are all well-known facts. Move on.
7. There was tension between Michaela and Charles because they’re both competing for the title of Ugliest Glasses Owner
Neither outright said it, but you could sense that this was the root of their issues. They were bickering over which one of them had successfully haggled for some Jewish baked goods, but neither was thinking straight. They’ve both spent what looks like tens of pounds on their glasses. They didn’t expect to have competition from anyone else in the quirky glasses department this year. Each turned up on day one to see another person wearing hideous glasses. It’s a bust. They’re at boiling point. They’re going to fight to the death to be crowned Ugliest Glasses Owner.
8. Ross told us that he had the IQ of an official genius, then got fired moments later
It was a real win for dumb people everywhere as we saw a certified genius getting fired after professing his superior intelligence to the nation. If you’ve ever been fired, Ross’ sacking will give you comfort. When you see a literal genius getting the boot, it fills you with reassurance. Your stupid self might not be a genius, but the smartest person that’s ever been on The Apprentice has just been let go, the same way you were from that job in the corner shop. Technically, everyone’s a winner.
Images via BBC
