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10th May 2017

Leaked: Donald Trump’s shortlist of potential replacements for FBI Director

Our sources aren't just credible, they're incredible

Ciara Knight

James and the Giant Impeach.

Donald Trump has made the very rational and sensible decision to fire the director of the FBI, James Comey.

It makes perfect sense. If someone is about to uncover your illegal activities and you have the power to fire that person, you should definitely fire them.

Trump is now tasked with filling the role of FBI Director, but luckily he’s had a shortlist drafted up for weeks. Panicked? Absolutely fucking not. This man is both large and in charge.

We’ve been anonymously sent Donald Trump’s genuine list of potential suitors, and are taking it as 100% factual and genuine, as any responsible publisher would.

Sandra Bullock

Experience: Played an undercover FBI agent in Miss Congeniality and Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous. She is an American, has been to space and seems like a nice lady. Can fight crime and subsequently go on to win beauty pageants. Obliterated the competition on the swimsuit round, showed great promise at using glasses of water to make music.

Shortcomings: Her character in Miss Congeniality was entered as ‘Gracie Lou Freebush’ for the beauty pageant. ‘Bush’ is a former POTUS, could potentially detract attention from Trump. ‘Lou’ is another word for toilet, which may result in unsavoury headlines regarding presidential efforts. Also, zero real-life FBI experience.

Bonus Points: Trump had a cameo in Two Weeks Notice, alongside Hugh Grant, so it’s likely he and Sandra Bullock may have met on set and had a strong emotional connection. Trump has also appeared on the cover of The New Yorker as Miss Congeniality in the past.

Stipulations: If successful, Sandra must stay in her Miss Congeniality character at all times. Cannot interact with co-star Regina King as she was very angry and brought negative energy to the screen. Will be required to repeat swimsuit parade from time to time for an audience of one.


A Slice Of Ham

Experience: No stranger to being roasted, poked, prodded and held in both high and low regard. Can handle pressure (cookers) and heat from all angles. Media training, well-liked. Strong connections to America’s sweetheart, Jon Hamm. Has had roles in the Toy Story franchise and Babe 2: Pig In The City.

Shortcomings: Zero experience in dealing with Muslims, will not help POTUS’ cabinet’s public image in this regard. Short shelf life, has the tendency to go bad after a while. Will need replacing every week or so. Similar to the President, is insentient. Leaves a slightly dewey residue on hands after handshake. Again, zero FBI experience.

Bonus Points: Very slim, looks good on camera. Trump has had personal dealings with Ham Slice before, most recently at lunchtime yesterday. Dependable, has tested well with the public. Will confuse those that the FBI is investigating due to appearance and smell.

Stipulations: Must be sandwiched between two officials at all times to prevent assassination attempts. Gender must be decided. POTUS cannot be left alone with Mr. Slice at any time.


David Spade

Experience: Has definitely worn an ‘FBI – Female Body Inspector’ t-shirt on more than one occasion. Was in the sitcom ‘Just Shoot Me!’ so will likely take a bullet for POTUS if necessary. Spade was also in Grown Ups and Grown Ups 2, and is therefore deeply respected in the world of politics.

Shortcomings: Has better hair than Mr. Trump, may result in jealousy and subsequent termination of contract. Doesn’t appear to know much about the FBI or the law itself. Is involved in a lot of charity work, which is a warning sign of being a) another Saville or b) a decent person, neither of which is desirable in government.

Bonus Points: Was an SNL cast member, so is likely to have Lorne Michaels’ phone number, giving the President a direct line to air his dissatisfaction with the very bad and failing show. Spade is a comedian so can provide laughter in tough times, such as when America is taken over by Russia.

Stipulations: If hired, Spade must wear a hat at all times to hide his superior hair from the President. Ideally, he will concoct a story about having light-sensitive eyes, therefore citing the hat as a medical necessity to preserve his sight. He must take this secret to the grave.


Steven Spielberg

Experience: Has directed over 50 movies, so he will direct the FBI with great ease. Has won four Oscars so is definitely not a loser. In one of his movies, Catch Me If You Can, there is an FBI bank fraud agent (played by Tom Hanks). Obviously a man that has directed a man playing an FBI agent can direct the entire FBI. It’s called logic. You should try it sometime.

Shortcomings: Spielberg has literally zero real-life experience with the FBI, at least that we know of. He is a film director. He directs films, not a team of secret agents, unless they are in a movie.

Bonus Points: People really like him. Trump has previously endorsed him as ‘a great filmmaker’. He directed Lincoln, which is about some loser President that nobody has really heard of, but it means he knows what a President is, which is a key part of this role.

Stipulations: Steven cannot make a movie about Trump’s White House goings-on when he finishes his ten years of service with the FBI, even if Leonardo DiCaprio wants to get involved. He has to sit and watch Finding Nemo twice a day with POTUS and explain in great detail why Nemo failed to truly find himself in the end.


Bladimir Gluten

Experience: Relatively unknown applicant. Last minute suggestion from POTUS. Believed to be from Indianapolis, studied FBI conduct at UCLA and has much experience in tapping into the US legal system. Trump has suggested that Gluten would be a ‘terrific’ fit for the FBI Director position.

Shortcomings: Nobody in the FBI has ever heard of Mr. Gluten, nor does any of his information match up with any of UCLA’s records. Eastern European accent, difficult to understand at times. A simple Google search suggests that the user has mistyped the President of Russia’s name, Vladimir Putin. Although we are repeatedly assured he has no ties with Russia, speculation will likely ensue.

Bonus Points: Close friends with President Trump, intensely interested in the domestic intelligence and security services of the United States of America. Fully versed in how the US legal system can be adhered to and also avoided. Has no hesitation interfering in anything.

Stipulations: Cannot be in the same room as Russian President Vladimir Putin at any time due to religious beliefs. Will not remove prescription glasses even for showering. Speaks only in a whisper to nearest member of Secret Service, who will then inform the masses of his wishes. Must have total control of the FBI and USA.