Elvis has remained in the building.
Since his “death” 40 years ago, there’s been a lot of speculation that The King didn’t actually die at all, with some believing that Elvis faked his own death.
I firmly subscribe to this belief. Elvis Presley is alive and well in the year of our Lord 2017. He never died.
What follows is a collation of definitive proof that The King is still with us. Believe what you will, but this is the truth.
Proof #1: Elvis can’t be dead because he text me last night
Need I even provide further proof than this? Honestly, no, but I’ve a word count to hit. As you can clearly see above, I was messaged by Elvis Presley (complete with a ghost emoji beside his name) last night. He exchanged pleasantries, to which I enquired as to how he was. Plain as day, you’ll see above that he is “Great and definitely alive” followed by a winky face. Those are not the words of a dead man. If he was dead, how could he send text messages? And use the correct contextual emoji? Conspiracy theorists, you have been silenced. Elvis Presley is clearly alive and well.
Proof #2: Elvis told us he was alive during that Kit Kat commercial a few years ago
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tO5Tgn-HBxg
How can a man take part in the recording of a televisual advertisement if he is deceased? It beggars belief. Did he resurrect himself from the afterlife to star in a thirty second cameo for a girthy chocolate bar? Absolutely not. The very much alive King of rock and roll drove himself to set that morning and recorded a stunning piece of advertising. He even tells us during the course of the ad that he isn’t dead. What further proof does the world need? The man is appearing on screen, assuring us that he has not passed away. “I’m not dead, I’m just having a break. Having a Kit Kat”. FFS, there wasn’t this much proof for OJ Simpson.
Proof #3: Elvis has an active Twitter account and is therefore not dead
Who could set up a VERIFIED Twitter account for Elvis Presley, other than Elvis Presley himself? Nobody, that’s who. At the time of writing this, Elvis’ last tweet was twenty hours ago. That means he was alive at least twenty hours ago, and is therefore most likely still kicking it at this very moment in time. Could a dead man post a ‘bit.ly’ link, thereby understanding the necessity for URL shorteners in 2017? Could he fuck. Elvis Presley is alive, well and regularly tweeting. Unfortunately, his DMs are closed (which I’m assuming isn’t a possible thing to do from the afterlife), so I cannot get in touch with him directly to verify the authenticity of the account, but I was texting him last night anyway so he’s clearly alive and well.
Proof #4: Elvis’ pre-“death” lyrics encouraged us to be wary
Elvis clearly sensed that some misleading information about himself would emerge later in his career, so left clues in his lyrics for true fans to decode. Firstly, the song is called ‘Suspicious Minds’, which is a very clear indication that he wants us to be wary of the world. ‘We’re caught in a trap’, perhaps one that suggests that our favourite rock and roll singer has passed away, according to the FAKE NEWS. ‘Why can’t you see what you’re doing to me, when you don’t believe a word I say?’ Doubters of the world, you are destroying this man’s life. He needs you to believe that he is still with us. He predicted such a lack of faith in his words 8 years before these stories of his “death” emerged, and put it in a song. The King is alive, and a genius.
Proof #5: He is still performing live TO THIS VERY DAY
Could a dead person perform a live show five nights a week in Las Vegas to thousands of adoring fans? No. He could not. The clue is in the question, you need to be alive to perform live. Elvis is getting audiences ‘all shook up’ for two hours each night and they are fucking loving it. The inhabitants of Vegas know what’s what. They know he’s alive. How else could the Elvis performance take place? Another man dresses up like Elvis, learns all his songs and then sings them like some kind of imposter? Absolute bollocks. Who would pay to see that? Not I, nor any other Elvis fan. It’s him, he’s real and he’s alive. Elvis Presley is alive.
Proof #6: Elvis is accurately sighted around the world at least twice a week
The above image took approximately 0.29 seconds to find on the internet, and there are thousands more just like it. Someone has spotted Elvis in Times Square and taken a photograph as definitive proof that he is alive. Elvis clearly obliged the fan as he’s got nothing to hide. The King has fallen victim to death rumours, same as dozens of celebrities each year. What’s the alternative to this scenario? People are inventing sightings of a man to keep his spirit and career alive and also with a view to making a quick buck? Bullshit. Nobody has time for that kind of nonsense. All of these sightings are far too concrete to be dismissed as coincidental. People keep spotting Elvis Presley because the man is still alive. Who do you think that is, Billy Ray Cyrus? Get real.
Proof #7: The reported cause of death was a load of shite
Literally. A man simply cannot die whilst having a poo. The explanation to this day, 40 years on, is still extremely hazy. Ask five people how they believe Elvis died and you’ll get four different answers and one non-response because that person turns out to be deaf. Not to worry, you weren’t to know. My point is this: Nobody knows for sure how Elvis allegedly died. We know that a toilet was involved in some way, but can we be certain? Was anyone actually there? No, because the man himself wasn’t even present at the time of this supposed “death”. Where is the photographic evidence? TMZ would’ve been all over that file footage if it actually existed. Something would’ve leaked. Again, for this reason, we must rule his “death” as a load of old hat.
Proof #8: Scouting For Girls told us that Elvis ain’t dead and that’s case closed tbh
Scouting For Girls know what’s what, and that’s why they got into the music industry in the first place. They established a steady fan base and ample platform with the success of their first track, ‘She’s So Lovely’, before unleashing the most important song of the 21st century: ‘Elvis Ain’t Dead’. This is the final piece of the puzzle. A British pop rock band from London has provided the most essential piece of information to successfully silence the naysayers. It reached the dizzying heights of #8 in the 2007 UK music charts for a reason. People liked the melody, but more importantly, they believed the message behind it. Elvis ain’t dead. Scouting For Girls know it, I know it, and now you know it. Uh huh.
