Week 10 – Christmas chocolates
The Apprentice entered its tenth week of the series in spectacular fashion, tasking the candidates with producing some Christmas chocolates.
Seems pretty simple, right? Come up with some tasty flavour combinations for a box of chocolates, put some nice branding behind it and job’s a good’un?
Wrong. These are The Apprentice candidates we’re dealing it. A group of individuals gifted with the ability to catastrophically fail at even the simplest of tasks.
It was unbridled chaos from start to finish, which lucky for us, made for some exceptional television.
Here’s eleven moments that we recommend reliving with parental guidance nearby.
1. Camilla answered the door to Lord Sugar wearing a unicorn onesie
In a jazzy and unexpected turn of events, Lord Sugar turned up to the candidates’ house to deliver the terms of their latest task. The house had been decorated in Christmas paraphernalia, which is hysterical when you realise that the series was recorded during the heatwave we had last summer. Camilla drew the short straw of having to answer the door, which she did kitted out in a unicorn onesie, complete with a hood and sparkly horn. She seem shocked to see Lord Sugar standing at the door, almost as if the cameras following her down the stairs to answer it hadn’t been a dead giveaway about what was going to happen.
2. The statue outside the candidates’ house looked suspiciously like Lord Sugar
Tell me I’m wrong. Go on, I dare you. There’s a striking similarity between Lord Sugar and that creepy looking statue and it can’t be a coincidence. Lord Sugar died seven years ago and was turned into a statue. The version we’re seeing on telly is an actor, a guy called Glenn Sutherland. He’s a Dad of five from Norwich and somehow ended up being catapulted to fame after a researcher spotted him on the Instagram explore page. They covered up Lord Sugar’s mysterious death and are making The Apprentice with an imposter filling his role. The statue sits proudly outside the candidates’ house to serve as a reminder of the dangers of being a reality television star. (Legally I must state that this is all a heavy assumption, but also an accurate one).
3. The girl at the chocolate factory was rightfully disgusted by Khadija’s attempt at helping out
Imagine you’ve had the same job for six years, you’ve worked hard and mastered your craft to a level you never even expected. Then some moron from The Apprentice comes into your factory on a little tourist trip into the working world and makes absolute shite of all your machines and chocolate moulds. You’d quit on the spot, vowing to never watch a BBC-produced reality television show again. This woman had the patience of a saint as she stood idly by, allowing Khadija to metaphorically dig her own chocolatey grave. Get rid of all the candidates and let mystery chocolate factory girl be Lord Sugar’s next apprentice. She deserves it more than the rest of them.
4. Sarah necked a load of booze during the chocolate tasting process because she’s a big bloody legend
In Sarah’s defence, she was told to make some delicious chocolates and we all know that the best way to do so is by getting moderately tipsy on the complimentary booze that’s on offer. She “reminded” herself what port tasted like, before swigging a mouthful of bourbon, rum, cider and every other beverage on offer under the guise of quality control and palate cleansing. This is a powerful move from the candidate, as she’s gone into the task with a level head, prioritising being a massive legend over actually doing well for her team. It’s the mark of someone who craves banter at every cost and that deserves the highest commendation available today. Get Sarah a knighthood, stat.
5. Camilla and Daniel requested a “cheeky” yet “super sexy” elf for their branding and this was the result
The graphic designer wept as he had to put in the search terms ‘cheeky sexy elf’ into iStock or whatever subscription service his godforsaken workplaces uses, while two morons off The Apprentice prepared to determine whether it was both cheeky and sexy enough. He drew the short straw on this particular occasion, having to take instructions from two people that legitimately considered calling their chocolates ‘XXXmas Treats’. Give that graphic designer a raise. Give him a promotion. Kiss him on the forehead and swaddle him until he feels better about the world. He’s had a rough time of it.
6. Claude unnecessarily wore a hairnet and styled it into a funky beret shape
At the risk of being unnecessarily savage, it’s worth pointing out that Claude Littner had absolutely no business wearing a hairnet in that chocolate factory. Generally, hairnets are used to prevent hair from getting into food items. Claude, a man who has no hair, wasn’t in any real danger of contaminating the produce. Perhaps he wore it to fit in, perhaps he wore it because the factory staff didn’t want him to feel left out, or perhaps he wore it to be turned into the most fire meme of Q4 in 2018. Claude, if you are reading this, there is no judgement here. The world is garbage, do whatever you want to make yourself feel good, champ.
7. We learned that Santa School is a thing that exists and it is, unsurprisingly, utterly batshit
Ahead of their presentation, Camilla and Daniel went to Santa School to learn how to be elves. The most alarming thing about this entirely batshit scenario is the fact that A) Something called Santa School actually exists and B) One of the rules for being an elf requires you to simply ‘Be-Lieve’ in nothing in particular. Has The Apprentice gotten even more insane this year or are we all just becoming desensitised to its nonsensical tasks? They’re blatantly designed to make the candidates look ridiculous and are in no way reflective of the business world in 2018. Look into Daniel’s cold and lifeless eyes. He’s starting to figure it out. The man knows that he is being punked, but cannot escape it.
8. Sarah was rightfully horrified by Camilla and Daniel’s branding decisions
There is nothing sexy about Christmas. It’s an excuse to gorge yourself on an obscene amount of food, distract yourself from your impending mortality with material possessions and argue with your family as you realise that they are all, every single one of them, absolute nightmares. The branding choices of Camilla and Daniel didn’t quite take that into consideration as they created what appears to be a Christmas-themed box of sex toys. It’s hideous and Sarah’s reaction is incredibly generous. The correct response would’ve been for her to calmly get up out of her seat, pack up her suitcase and get a taxi home, never to return to the same country of residence as these two morons again.
9. Sarah subtly communicated her feelings about the entire process on The Apprentice
In a move that made precisely zero sense, Sarah wore a giant Christmas hat complete with Santa’s legs sticking out the top and the word ‘HELP’ spread across the front of it. Was this a conscious choice? As the episode transpired, it appeared so, yes. She knew that she was part of a sinking ship. When the main selling point of your product is the fact that it is both “sexy” and “Santa” related, there’s only one place you’re heading and it’s straight for the deafening confines of Lord Sugar’s boardroom. Sarah should’ve left the process as soon as she saw the branding for their chocolates. Look into her eyes, there’s nothing behind them. Her soul left this planet a long time ago, now her lifeless body must see this episode through to completion.
10. Daniel and Camilla wore this to their meeting with the retailers
Of course, you’re meeting with some retailers who you’re desperate to convince to invest in your product. The most logical thing to do is to wear pigtails, paint on some rosy red cheeks and buy a double-bodied jumper identifying which of the two of you has been naughty and nice. Camilla and Daniel met with actual clients looking like this, and it wasn’t even their first outfit. They had an outfit change halfway through, right after the communal dance portion of the presentation. Jesus. The Apprentice has been cancelled. I am hereby cancelling it. The lunacy cannot continue any longer. Wrap it up, folks. Show’s over. Goodbye.
11. Karren Brady finally lost her chill. RIP Karren Brady’s chill x
Ten weeks is the new record for how long it took Karren Brady to lose her chill during a series of The Apprentice. Ten weeks in and it was the Christmas chocolate task that sent her over the edge and straight into turmoil. Karren lost it, she no longer remains an impartial onlooker during the tasks. Camilla, Daniel and Sarah’s presentation sent her tumbling over the edge into a dangerous territory where she shall remain until the end of this godforsaken series. She can no longer mask her contempt for these young business professionals’ stupidity. There is no more discretion left in her body. Karren Brady’s chill has passed away. RIP u will live on forever. Cant believe it. I wanna run to u. Really cant believe this. @
Images via BBC
