Johny Johny. Yes papa? What happened on that goddamn fishing trip?
Excitement is palpably building for the impending commencement of this year’s I’m A Celeb.
As always, the rumour mill has been frantically churning away predicting who’s going to be entering the jungle this time around.
But forget about the usual suspects; a Geordie Shore alumni, a Loose Woman, Dean Gaffney, maybe someone loosely connected to Meghan Markle’s dog groomer.
What we need are some real celebrities. People with a truckload of captivating stories to tell around the campfire as they all slowly starve to death.
We deserve the following lineup and I will stop at nothing to ensure that we get it.
Wonga
YouTube
Very little is known about the guy from the Envirofone advert, other than the fact that he likes to refer to money as ‘Wonga’. His colleagues used such words as “dosh” and “reddies”, but he stole the hearts of the nation with his famous and playful term. Wonga would keep the country entertained with his appetite for banter, calling the fire ‘Wonga’, the dunny ‘Wonga’, even his fellow celebrities will all be nicknamed ‘Wonga’, as it slowly becomes abundantly clear that ‘Wonga’ is the only word that Wonga can actually say. The nation will join together in support for this glorious man, guaranteeing him paid Envirofone advert gigs for the rest of his Wonga-filled life.
Gammon
Having just been shortlisted as one of the Collins Dictionary’s words of the year, now is the perfect time for gammon to strike while the iron is piping hot. People often overlook gammon, both as a concept and a dinner choice. “Just thick ham, innit?”, they foolishly say. But gammon is more than that. Gammon has feelings, just like you and I. Its greatest challenge in the jungle will come when the appetites of the contestants are insatiable. They’ll be tempted to consume Gammon, which is going to expose the true animals of the campsite. As is custom with I’m A Celeb, a human contestant with gammon properties will also be included in the lineup, but consumption of both him and the actual gammon will be prohibited, in line with the show regulations.
Criminal Ross Geller
https://twitter.com/HeartNWNews/status/1054969189084094464
Obviously Blackpool police are still looking for this guy, so he probably needs to have a quick chat with them first, but once everything has been cleared up, let’s get that man into the jungle. First, we’ll get to see that he isn’t actually Ross Geller, but merely a lookalike. He can recount tales of his newfound fame having been catapulted to stardom with his recent virality, whether David Schwimmer got in touch with him to meet up and just generally share stories of his five minutes of notoriety with the nation. Fellow contestants will have to keep an eye on their personal belongings as similar to a pervy uncle, Criminal Ross Geller has been known to pinch a few bits that aren’t his.
Terry from GBBO‘s harrowing self-portrait bake
Channel 4
I have no doubt that this biscuity nightmare is sitting in a skip somewhere behind the GBBO tent to this very day, so why not give it a second lease of life by carefully transporting it all the way to the Australian outback? In terms of entertainment value, imagine the other campers waking up in the middle of the night to see a replication of Terry’s cold dead eyes staring through their souls? This biscuit construction would likely offer up far more stirring conversations than previous years’ contestants have done. It’s a no-brainer. Crown that self-portrait the king of the jungle 2018.
The joint that Elon Musk smoked during a podcast
YouTube
There’s likely to be a substantial remainder of the joint lying about Joe Rogan’s podcast studio given that Elon took precisely one puff and failed to inhale even that. It’s time to hear the joint’s side of the story. Was it embarrassed about what happened? Did the lack of inhalation hurt its feelings? Who rolled? Is Joe Rogan actually a nice guy? Does Elon Musk have insufficiently moist lips? This would be a real snag for the I’m A Celeb crew. Finally, a contestant whose stories the public legitimately want to hear.
Johny Johny’s judgemental Papa
YouTube
His fame really catapulted into the mainstream earlier this year and that’s exactly the kind of character I’m A Celeb needs. Forget about some Geordie Shore alumni or the woman who says ‘Mmm Danone’ in those adverts, this is the type of person the nation deserves to monitor on a daily basis in the Australian jungle. People want to know everything, why he food shames his entire family, how he managed to produce a baby with such a large head, why anyone would call their kid Johny, how he keeps such a perfectly maintained moustache outside November, what’s so wrong with telling lies? Think of the #sponcon opportunities after his stint in the jungle. “Telling lies? Not with Larry’s Lawyers, a no win no fee arrangement that puts you first”.
The guy who stuffed Mini Eggs down his wang
Imgur
It’s been a few years since the story of a lifetime landed right into our laps. We all honour Easter in our own special way, but none more unique than Barry Worthington who put nine Mini Eggs down the shaft on his literal penis. Naturally, the general public will have some questions. Putting him on I’m A Celeb would help to shed some light on the situation, tapping into his psyche and trying to work out what drives a man to carry out such a disturbing act. Perhaps on a quiet evening in the jungle, he could even reenact the event. Britain, there’s been far worse on our television screens.
Scott, the blind guy that Ryan Seacrest tried to high five
YouTube
Ryan Seacrest definitely thinks we’ve all forgotten by now, but we haven’t. Let’s drum up some controversy by tracking down the blind guy he tried to high five and catching up with him over the course of a few weeks in the jungle. He can recall that particular situation and how it impacted his life, or simply get a nice holiday out of the whole thing. Ryan Seacrest will be forced to release a statement during the course of the series, possibly even issue an apology to poor Scott for the long lasting effects of his momentary blunder. Basically Ryan Seacrest needs to fry for what he has done and this is the best way to make that happen.
The hot air balloon from Love Island that had a typo on it
ITV
Finally, a real celebrity could enter the jungle. Remember when Jack and Dani went on a hot air balloon ride together for a romantic date? Remember when the balloon misspelled ‘flights’? Well that balloon is back and it’s ready to share its side of the story. Having the golden number (69) in its phone number was a strong redeeming factor, but overall, the balloon came across poorly during the show. Let’s get it into the jungle so that we can find out how life has had its ups and downs since that spectacular blunder.
A Pret
There’s one on every street corner, so it makes perfect sense to send one into the Australian outback. The main complaint out of the celebrities on the show is that they’re starving, so with the addition of a Pret, there’ll be no shortage of food. Plus, the contestants could shelter from the rain inside the Pret, warming up with a wide selection of hot drinks and daytime-dependent food. Even the wildlife would be queueing at the door for a quick hit of porridge and raspberry compote in the mornings. Vote 4 Pret – the peoples’ champion.
Uncle Bryn
WHAT HAPPENED ON THAT GODDAMN FISHING TRIP? There’s only one way we can find out, we need to get Bryn on a glorified camping trip, pile him with mint Baileys and hope that at some point the truth will escape. Bryn would be impeccable as an I’m A Celeb contestant. He’d lament his Citroen Picasso being all the way back in Barry, but keep fellow contestants entertained with renditions of ‘Goodbye My Lover’ and ‘Islands In The Stream’ among other party pieces. Bryn would win by a landslide, plus another series of Gavin & Stacey would surely follow. Forget the other celebrities. A few weeks of Bryn West in a jungle on his own would be the most spectacular viewer experience the world has ever seen. Make it happen, ITV.
