What’s your name and where do you come from?
Blind Date was a gift that the world has never truly deserved. Saturday nights in the 90s comprised of a very strict routine of Gladiators, then a healthy dose of television dating before bedtime. It was a lorra lorra laughs from start to finish, with Cilla Black firmly cementing herself as a national treasure with each episode.
‘Our Graham’ would introduce us to the most bizarre characters that had willingly volunteered themselves as tragic television singletons. They’d already disgraced themselves from the moment they agreed to go on the show, so most just ran with it and hammed up the cheese once it came to recording. Blind Date was the best part of the 90s and here’s indisputably why.
1. The opening credits were absolutely batshit
Think about the wildest hallucination you’ve ever had under the influence of a cocktail of narcotics. Now double it, triple it and have it directed by M. Night Shyamalan. That’s about half as disturbing as the Blind Date opening credits, in which the accessories of a purple couch, namely the cushions, came to life when there was nobody else in the room.
They flirted with each other, fornicated and eventually formed into a charming little heart shape upon which the Blind Dates logo was placed. Specifically what was the objective of such a rambunctious opening sequence? Are we to believe that cushions are actually sentient beings and striving for love just like the rest of us? No, bullshit. They’re just horny.
2. Cilla Black was a fucking gift
We, as a nation, owe a great debt of our interpersonal skills to Priscilla Black. She taught us how to truly connect with strangers upon first meeting them, with such concise questions as ‘What’s your name?’ and ‘Where do you come from?’ before they’ve even had a chance to say hello. The lady somehow got away with her intrusive nature because she basically invented the Jim Halpert confused look-to-camera.
Not content with learning the contestant’s name and place of origin, Cilla would then dive straight in with the heavy questions, like why they’re so repulsively single and whether they think they’ll die alone. She had zero tact and it was a joy to watch. Cilla was under pressure for time and didn’t particularly have any interest in hearing about your precious dog Polly who died tragically last month. She wanted to know when you last jumped someone’s bones and why you couldn’t hold onto them, you undesirable fuck.
3. The contestants were always unashamedly up for it
I’m not sure what the application process was like for being a contestant on Blind Date, but I’d hazard a guess that there was a form they had to fill in, with one of the questions asking ‘Are you comfortable with ruining your reputation?’, to which all successful applicants answered ‘Oh heck yes, that’s exclusively why I’m here’.
There was an air of lunacy about every Blind Date contestant, as if they were deliberately trying to come across as loose as possible, leaving no doubt in the mind of the viewer that they were there to provide / receive a very decent going over. Nothing short of a neon sign saying ‘I AM HEAR FOR A GOOD TIME NOT FOR A LONG TIME’ was hanging around their necks and the live studio audience bloody loved it.
4. The level of innuendo was always borderline unacceptable
Blind Date is solely responsible for Michael Scott. His ‘that’s what she said’ shtick stemmed from watching countless episodes of BD, I’ve decided. The contestants couldn’t help themselves and would riddle our youthful little ears with all manner of innuendo, most of which thankfully went over our heads at the time.
I’ve spend a large portion of my day rewatching old episodes and let me tell you, the innuendo is RAMPANT. Cilla asked a girl if she’d ever snuck boys home and she said she’s very careful and always uses the back alley. The back alley, FFS. Another contestant was asked if he liked computers, to which he replied ‘I’ll provide the floppy disc, if you can sort out a hard drive’. I’m not religious but felt compelled to say a decade of the Rosary shortly after witnessing such a spectacle.
5. The sliding door was more suspenseful than life itself
Easily the best part of Blind Date was when the sliding door slowly went back to reveal the lucky contestant that would be going on a date. Regardless of their satisfaction with their potential love interest, the contestant who chose the winner would always have a slightly pained smile on their face so as to avoid any potential expression of disappointment from slipping out.
At least twice I week I find my mind wandering into a world where the Blind Date sliding door is a commonplace. It boasts extremely practical everyday uses such as shunning people that disagree with your views on literally anything, it provides additional facilities in the workplace when you don’t want to talk to people and even acts as a statement piece / conversation starter in every household. I’d put one right in the living room so everyone could see it.
6. Cilla always checked in to see if the couples boned
This is the part that sets Blind Date apart from all other dating television shows, both in the 90s and today. They gave the audience exactly what they wanted: The gory and explicit details. Cameras would follow the new pair as they went on a date in Bognor Regis, so we were provided with a perfect selection of edits to over-analyse and concoct our own version of events from.
The seemingly happy couple would return to the show the following week and Cilla would gently approach the big question: DID YOU TWO BONE OR NOT? Obviously she’d do it in a much more subtle way, but we knew what she was asking. The girl would never give away her stance on the question, but the guy always let it slip, like a cheeky little pup that’s just licked his own piss off the ground. Then Cilla would swiftly end proceedings before they got too smutty with a glorious ‘Ta-ra folks!’.
Images via ITV
