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27th August 2019
05:02pm BST
It has just been announced that Taylor Swift has won video of the year for 'You Need To Calm Down'. Without having any evidence to back this up whatsoever, you can instinctively tell that John Travolta has never seen that music video in his life, nor listened to the kind of radio station that would play the song. He's busy doing other things, such as practicing Scientology and continuing to dine out on being in two decent movies ever. Taylor Swift exists in a different stratosphere to John Travolta. The Venn Diagram of Taylor Swift and John Travolta is two very large circles that overlap in a minuscule fragment under the category of 'Possibly discovered to be using the same dodgy tax avoidance scheme at some point' or 'Their dogs share a birthday'.
Scene II - First Instance Of Mistaken Identity
While Taylor is continuing to celebrate her win from the comfort of her ease-of-camera-access assigned seat, John Travolta is in business mode. His contract for this presenting gig simply says 'Read the autocue, hand over the award, do not call anyone the wrong name' and he's in the process of completing the final two of those three very specific orders. To his left, John notices that someone has joined him on stage. To us, the clued-in general public, that is a) very clearly not Taylor Swift and b) very clearly RuPaul's Drag Race series five contestant and star of the music video that is being awarded in that exact moment, Jade Jolie. But to John Travolta? This is a faceless being who can help him complete his list of jobs for the night so that he can get paid and go home.
Scene III - Second Instance Of Mistaken Identity
Upon very slowly realising that this Taylor Swift imposter is not going to reach out and accept the moon man because that would be a case of identity theft, John Travolta tries to shrug off his error by offering the moon man to the next person in line, who is also not Taylor Swift. In fact, this person is even less Taylor Swift than the initial mistaken Taylor Swift because her hair is purple. But Travolta is panicked. He can practically smell the memes at this point, heavy under the weight of another awards show appearance besmirched at the hands of Danny Zuko. He has brought great shame upon the Travoltages. 'The wickedly talented one and only Adele Dazeem' starts to play through John's head on a loop. In this very moment, he realises that he has once again, fucked it.
Scene IV - Dispelling Tension
Jade realises what's happening long before John Travolta does. The girl to the left of frame, casually winking into the camera, she has very likely orchestrated this whole thing, but that's going to be very difficult to prove in a court of law, so for legal reasons, I'm going to drop this line of enquiry and continue to pin everything on John Travolta's lack of pop culture knowledge. Jade tries to make it very clear to John that she is indeed not Taylor Swift, nor is the person beside her. How does she do this? By laughing hysterically, as is the only correct way to do so. Jade has earned the right to be on that stage after her stellar performance in the award-winning music video. But has Travolta earned his right to thoroughly fuck another presentation gig after this one? Sadly, only time will tell.
Stage V - Extension Of Olive Branch
Having thoroughly destroyed all relations with these two drag queens who are not Taylor Swift, Travolta goes in for a cordial yet congratulatory back touch with Not Taylor Swift #1 (Jade). In the interest of optics, she accepts his intention, while still having a big old laugh at how ridiculous the situation in which she currently finds herself in is. Not Taylor Swift #2 isn't as easily swayed. There's venom in that stare. She's watching a man completely fuck it in real time. That's a memorable thing to witness. She is currently feeling how viewers felt when Ross said "I take thee Rachel" during his wedding vows to Emily. No one can ever come back from that. Not even Golden Globe and Primetime Emmy award-winning actor John Travolta.
Stage VI - Reluctant Acceptance Of Olive Branch
Ever the peacekeeper, Jade allows John Travolta, a man who has just mistaken her for Taylor Swift, to touch her upper arm. It's a heartfelt gesture and one that was sure to have steadied an already broken man. Did he deserve to touch the arm of RuPaul's Drag Race series five contestant Jade Jolie? Frankly, in that exact moment, he did not. But he was in crisis mode, unlikely to be thinking straight, frantic with unease. Sometimes the tender touch of a familiar face can dispel any tensions. For John Travolta, that familiar person in this case is who he believes to be Taylor Swift. When he finally gets to meet Taylor Swift, all he has to do is carry himself with poise. She's not going to know what has happened just now. Not if everyone agrees to keep it a secret.
Stage VII - Taylor Swift Continues To Milk It, Unaware Of Anything That Has Just Happened
Meanwhile, Taylor Swift is STILL wasting time down in her designated seat, accepting congratulatory hugs from her crew, presumably while the security personnel do a quick sweep of the premises to ensure that Kanye is not an active threat on the already botched proceedings. When she eventually reaches the stage, her allocated acceptance speech time will be next to nothing. John Travolta is sweating by the bucketload, still anxious to meet who he believes, third time lucky, to be Taylor Swift.
It's important to note that Queen Latifah is nowhere to be seen during any of this. She turned up and did her job correctly. This is Travolta's war to fight alone. When Taylor finally reaches the stage, John Travolta will bow at her feet, visibly sweating. "Beyoncé, it is a true honour to present you with this Academy Award. I have always been a huge fan of your movies. Please send my regards to your husband, Ryan Reynolds. Congratulations".
END SCENE > CUT TO AUDIENCE REACTION > CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM MUSIC STARTS PLAYING > FADE TO BLACK.
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