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28th Sep 2018

8 hilarious moments from last night’s Celebrity MasterChef

John and Gregg had a heated exchange and it felt like Mummy and Daddy might get a divorce

Ciara Knight

Should’ve just called it MasterChef, tbh

Last night’s instalment of Celebrity MasterChef saw Spencer Matthews, Martin Bayfield, John Partridge and Stef Reid take to the kitchen in a bid to reach the finals, with only three progressing to the final.

It was a whirlwind from start to finish, with the usual mixture of tests and triumphs presenting themselves under the watchful and beady eyes of Gregg and John.

Some funny things happened, as expected. That’s the beauty of reality television, there will always be a reliable supply of occurrences ripe for dissection. The content circle of life is a wonderful and wholesome thing.

Here’s 8 moments that are almost worth revisiting.

1. We learned that No Doubt are ageing wonderfully

Just kidding! Fooled you! That’s actually Martin, Spencer, John and Stef. They’re not No Doubt. But while we’re on the topic, No Doubt are legitimately ageing very gracefully. Gwen Stefani is 48 years old and still looks like she’s in her 20s. There’s only one logical explanation for her eternally youthful appearance, and it’s witchcraft. Gwen Stefani is a purveyor of witchcraft. Pass it on.

2. Gregg Wallace pulled this face when he heard that John was making fruit scones with clotted cream and strawberry jam

Find someone who looks at you the way Gregg Wallace looks at a Celebrity MasterChef contestant who’s just told him they’re making scones. That’s what the face of true love looks like. His pupils are so intensely dilated, it’s frightening. His smile is so wide, it might just dislocate his jaw. That is a man on the brink of climaxing, so furious are his levels of elation. Yes Gregg. Get yours, son.

3. They didn’t raise the worktops for Martin Bayfield so he had to hunch over them again LIKE AN ANIMAL

Martin Bayfield, all 6′ 10″ of him, was forced to slum it with a regular sized worktop again on Celebrity MasterChef because they are heightist. Heightists are everywhere, throwing a judgemental look at tall people, discriminating because of their size, which is completely out of their control. Martin still triumphed despite such adversity and that is because he is a deeply determined man. What is this, a kitchen for ants?

4. The guy from The Hunger Games made an appearance to delicately eat some cakes

It was always going to happen, and finally, it did. A real celebrity turned up on Celebrity MasterChef and he did it for the sole purpose of trying some afternoon tea accompaniments. Viewers were slow to realise that the man in question, allegedly a chef, was actually Seneca Crane from The Hunger Games. His beard may have finally evened out, but his thirst for goods baked by celebrities has not.

5. Tracey MacLeod said “I don’t want to get a mouthful of toenail pairings in my panna cotta”

There’s no real need to give any context here because it’s going to make the statement less funny and that’s not what we’re about here at Tracey is a Toenailist, meaning she does not like toenails, despite being in possession of, presumably, ten of them. If the Celebrity MasterChef contestants want to include toenails in their panna cottas, that is their God-given right. How dare Tracey restrict their creativity like that. How very, very, very dare she.

6. John made an exceptional face as he was carrying his plates out to the judges

The face most commonly referred to as ‘On The Brink Of A New Keepie Uppie High Score’ was produced by John Partridge last night as he carefully carried his plates into the judges. All credit to John, the facial contortions appeared to work as he didn’t spill a crumb on the way in. Try it yourself, give the OTBOANKUHS face a go today!

7. Celebrity MasterChef killed John Partridge 

Upon completing his task, John Partridge took to the Celebrity MasterChef carpet so that he could pass away peacefully into the night. It was the right time for John to go, as he had finally accomplished the overwhelming privilege of getting to cook for Grace Dent. Many people choose to do the same once they finally tick that task off their bucket lists, so John’s actions were honourable and to be expected. He died doing what he loved – sweating profusely in a kitchen all in the name of entertainment.

8. John scolded Gregg by saying “14 years in MasterChef and you don’t like something that’s sticky and brown? What is wrong with you?”

It felt like the nation’s parents were arguing and headed for divorce. Feelings of anxiety developed across Britain as viewers fretted that their parents, John and Gregg, would finally decide to split up after this final heated exchange threatened to break them. Sure, we’d all get to have two Christmasses and twice the amount of presents, but it just wouldn’t feel the same. We’d miss their bickering, undermining each other and bellowing screams of anger on long car journeys when one of them read the map wrong. They seemed to put their differences aside as the show came to a close, but we just can’t seem to shake the niggling feeling that all is not well in the Celebrity MasterChef household. What is wrong with Gregg? Sticky brown things are tight as hell.

Images via BBC