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28th February 2018
04:13pm GMT
Look at this shit. Straight off the curb and having a good laugh about it while poor Ricky is left to pick up the pieces. I have no idea who Sherrie Hewson is, but I feel that this is very typical of her. She's on Loose Women, which is a show that screams 'We don't operate luggage trolleys very well', if ever I've heard of one. She's a tyrant.
2. Ricky said he had his first cigarette when he was FIVE
Honestly, that's really impressive. When I was five, I hadn't even had my first unassisted shit yet, so Ricky was leaps and bounds ahead of most kids. Also, the idea of a five year old heading down to the newsagents, buying a packet of smokes and then sparking up on his walk home as he browses The Guardian is maybe the most hilarious thing in the world.
3. This woman is FIFTY EIGHT!!!
Thörbjorg Hafsteinsdóttir is the nutritionist at the clinic where the celebrities are going to achieve eternal youth and honestly they should take everything she says with the utmost sincerity because she is clearly a purveyor of witchcraft. She is two years away from turning sixty and her face has precisely one wrinkle. Yes bitch. Keep it up.
4. Two snails started humping on Dot Cotton's face
As part of their treatment, the celebrities were subjected to having five snails sliming all over the faces. The slime is apparently good for making skin appear younger, but two of the snails on Dot Cotton's face had other ideas. They started humping in broad daylight as Dot sat there respectfully motionless while they went at it. One of the Doctors had to remove the top snail because Britain isn't ready for this kind of pornography just yet.
5. Sherrie looked like this after a treatment and said she was "very pleased" with the results
Respectfully, Sherrie looks 105 years old here. She looks awful. A nice young lady put needles repeatedly into her face and she ended up looking like literal death. There's no way she was legitimately pleased with the result. Either she's insane, or she was doing the typically polite British thing of insisting that you're really happy with your new haircut, despite looking like an extra from No Country For Old Men.
6. Shaun Ryder has a haemorrhoid
Yes, he screamed like a chump throughout his coffee enema, but the most important information to take away from the entire spectacle is that Shaun Ryder from the Happy Mondays has a haemorrhoid. The lady administering the enema confidently declared "You've got a little haemorrhoid there", to which Shaun replied "Yeah, I know", which was basically code for "Thanks a million for sharing that on telly, you bitch".
7. We got to see Roy Walker and Claire King shitting out their coffee enemas in real time
Don't even talk to me until I've had my morning coffee enema, etc. Most of us never thought we'd get to see Claire King and Roy Walker doing their toilet business, but that's where the beauty of 100 Days Younger lies. We got to see two minor celebrities shitting out their coffee enemas that rested in their colons for precisely five minutes. 2018 is going to be a strong year from television, I can feel it.
8. Dot Cotton flashed everyone her little cottons
What a wholesome way to end the show. Dot Cotton flashed everyone as she showed off some yoga poses. Claire and Russell got the brunt of it, but overall, everyone was treated to Cotton's cottons thanks to her strategic positioning. This show has everything. Coffee going up celebrities' butts then being shit out, snails having sex in inappropriate places and Dot Cotton flashing her knickers for everyone to see. Bring on the next episode tbh!
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