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24th May 2018

7 things that always happen during a Nigella cookery show

Nigella will add slightly more than the recommended amount of an indulgent ingredient because she's "feeling naughty"

Ciara Knight

*extremely Nigella voice* Hello there.

Regardless of the format, if you’ve ever watched one of Nigella’s cookery shows, you’ve likely become accustomed to the various quirks that she likes to add into proceedings.

If we could somehow combine the expert narration skills of David Attenborough with the comforting dependability of a Nigella cookery show, we will finally have it. We will have created the most perfect television show in existence. The Big Bang Theory could never compete. They’ll have to scrap it, at long, long last.

Anyway, here’s seven things that happen every time Nigella gets cookin’.

1. Nigella will concoct an unnecessarily specific reason as to why she’s cooking certain things

“My old schoolfriend is coming over and her middle name is Fondue. While that was a fun joke we had among our peers during school, it also became the very foundation for our friendship. When I learned that Linda’s middle name was Fondue, I chuckled because my middle name is Party. Together, our middle names make ‘Fondue Party’. It was such fun at the time and proved to be the basis for an everlasting close friendship between Linda and I. Tonight, to rekindle our youth, I’m going to make some fondue so that we can have our very own little Linda and Nigella Fondue Party. I love cheese. Yummy, yummy, naughty cheese”.

2. Nigella will add slightly more than the recommended amount of an indulgent ingredient because she’s “feeling naughty”

“Now, the recipe says 220ml of cream, but there’s only 250ml in the pot so there’s no use in letting it go to waste. It’s like I always say ‘More cream, feeling lean. Less cream, wana scream’. Sometimes it’s alright to let your naughty side out, especially when you’re baking. It’s all about indulgence from time to time. If you’re trying to bake something healthy, stop watching my fucking show immediately you insufferable piece of shit. This is a safe zone. We’re preparing a treat. I want this to be so decadent that Jamie Oliver tries to get it banned from ever being served to schoolchildren. Now, for the next step you’ll need 1kg of sugar and a triple bypass surgeon on standby…”

3. Nigella will subtly shade anyone that uses pre-made ingredients, basically labelling them as scum

“SOME people rely on ready-made puff pastry for their pies, but those people are downright scum. I always make my own pastry, even the ingredients are homegrown. For the water, I manually extract vapour from a cloud, the flour I graze myself from wheat and the butter comes out of my pet cow Jennifer. Sure, you can use store-bought pastry for convenience, but on judgement day, you will suffer the harsh consequences of your laziness. Look. I’m Nigella Lawson, I’m not here to tell you how to live your life. But there are right and wrong ways of doing things and you are firmly in the wrong camp if you can’t make a godforsaken bit of puff pastry you ignorant swine”.

4. Nigella always throws in a questionable anecdote about one of the kitchen utensils she’s using

“See this knife? This is actually my great grandmother. She died in on the Titanic and I went scuba diving down into the wreckage to collect her remains. When I found her, she had one last breath to take. With that breath, she whispered ‘Nige (she always called me that), you must turn me into a knife’ and so I did. Great nana was cremated and I had her ashes mixed with stainless steel to make this exceptional cheese knife. Every time I cut a slice of cheese, I think of her. If you listen very closely to the sea on a windy day, you can actually hear her whispering ‘Knife, knife, knife KNIFE’. Hahaha, just kidding. I got it in Tesco for £5. It’s even dishwasher safe”.

5. Nigella will say something unnecessarily sexual because that is her God-given right 

“Once the creaming has reached its climax, there’s nothing left for my guests to do but suitably prime themselves for a ruddy good stuffing and the flavour explosion of their lifetimes. Meanwhile, I’ll tend to the pudding to ensure it gets a good stiff rise to pair with the plump baps. A couple of minutes of rigid beating should result in a satisfactory finish, if I play my cards right. Basically I am saying sexy things and eyeing up the camera, please buy my cookbooks, thank you. If you already have them then buy a second copy for your loved ones or even just to have as spares”.

6. Nigella will break one of her own rules by casually adding something store-bought into her bake

“You should make everything from scratch because if you don’t, you’re a lazy and disgusting pig”

*4 minutes later*

“Simply get the jam from the fridge, store-bought is fine, and slather it over the cheesecake as a final addition”.

One moment please, Nigella. You’re breaking your own rules here by using something that hasn’t been prepared exclusively by your fine self. This is a breach of protocol. You are a liar and a cheat. Get out of my sight. This isn’t a cookery show, it’s Supermarket Sweep.

7. Nigella excitedly tucks into the food that she’s just made and has no qualms whatsoever in praising herself to death

“Wow. Absolutely delicious. As if it has been crafted by angels from Heaven above, then carefully transported down to earth for me, silly old Nigella Lawson, to try it. I am honoured to be gifted this indulgent and sexy little meal. Whomever made it deserves a large amount of praise. Perhaps they should get an OBE and a six-figure book deal? Perhaps they should be Prime Minister? Goodness, no. What a silly statement to make. Still though, if someone was to start a GoFundMe I’m sure we could scrape something together hehe wink wink”.

Images via BBC