Perhaps you’re one of those people who goes all out on Halloween.
Maybe you’ll f**k your face up to be Freddy Krueger or put on Edward Scissorhands’ scissor hands so your mate has to pour drink in your mouth, which stops being funny after pint one.
Or, do you prefer to buy a cheap business card holder, stick on a suit and a white shirt and announce to friends when they look disappointed at your lack of effort that you’re actually Patrick Bateman?
As the day of the dead approaches and we’re scuttling around gathering fangs and fake blood, let’s take a moment to think about who we’re likely to clash broomsticks/bob apples with this weekend.
Freakishly good
The ones you look at and instantly get a rush of jealousy thinking ‘why the hell couldn’t I think of that?’ They’ll probably be the comedians of the group, or rich, or unemployed, basically work is minimum in order to have the time to plan something so awesome.
Patrick Bateman
As mentioned, there will be a Patrick Bateman entirely based around a sh*t business card holder.
The offensive
Ian Huntley or Hitler are both likely. Also, look out for the Jimmy Saviles and Bill Cosbys, the latter is likely to be a racist too so I’d give them an extra wide berth. Hitler’s fine to get leathered with on Halloween.
The provocative
There’ll be corsets, cleavage, chokers, latex, suspenders, peep-holes, all at once in some cases. But why not dress slutty? Who cares, it’s Halloween. If this is you (as this will be me) what I would say is think about the temperature; you will sweat inside and freeze out so a coat and waterproof make-up are both essential.
The one where nobody knows what they’re meant to be, even worse than Bateman, like Ross as Spudnik.
Mask-wearing chancers
I overheard a chat between two men on the train the other day. One says: “What are your plans for Halloween?”
His mate answered: “My mate’s having a party. Can’t be bothered with it all though really.”
These are the people who will buy a couple of cheap masks, think that’s enough and drink your house party dry.
At the end of the night, when Frankenstein’s monster finally reveals his true identity, you’ll realise it’s someone you barely even know, and they’ll be smug as anything after a cheap night getting pissed at your expense.
And I’ll always salute Katy Perry for once going dressed as a giant Wotsit
Happy Halloween!
